SPOONS & BALLOONS

365 +

2011-10-23T20:17:00.004-06:00

The passing of another year has whisped right past my eyes. A year filled with a roller-coaster ride packed with emotions of the extreme. Relief, sadness, devastation, happiness, anger, confusion, disbelief and being lost and found, once again.

I remember at this time last year seeing nothing but black. The train ride we were on with Chad had finally hit a cement wall like no other. I felt like I had been smothered in a cloud of thick smoke with the train on top of my chest and no idea how too find my way out. I remember sitting on my front porch the days following "T's" death questioning who Chad really was. Did Chad have all of us fooled for all our years growing up as too who he really was? I asked myself silently over and over if I ever really knew Chad or was it all just make believe, and if so, how crazy it was to think that somebody can play charade's as well as he did for that many years. Who was he? Who was this person that I called my brother and where did he come from? My brain was so strained with agony that I had no idea what I was thinking at times. All I knew was he had committed the very worst he could have, murder, and I don't know anymore details than what I did, 365 + days ago.

I have convinced myself to believe that on or about September 29th, 2010, Chad was either out of his mind high or having a bad come down on heroin. Something happened and he snapped, doing something he knew would put him away for the rest of his life. I've seen Chad many times but I don't care to ask for details that I might regret having asked him for. I don't even know if he remembers much. And even if he does, what's the point anyways? It changes nothing for today, tomorrow and the future.

For several years now, I have seen the saying Live, Laugh, and Love. Sometimes you can't even go to the bathroom without seeing those words posted SOMEWHERE! And I have to admit, I have two plaques in my house with the same saying & trust me, there won't be a third. But in those three "L" words lies the true definition of life, at least for me. It seems as if our society has lost value in the meaning of living life to it's fullest, laughing until you damn near pee your panties, and really loving as we should. It's all about technology, speed, money, drugs, and politics. We live in a cut-throat world and we are losing everything that really meant something. I have faced lots of ups and downs in my life but it was Chad's drug addiction and the train wreck it caused for me to sit back and seriously Live, Laugh, and Love.

I have always cared for my family and friends the very best I could. But now, everything and everybody means more. I cannot say enough how short life really is. In the blink of an eye, two families were destroyed. Mine and "T's". An angel was given her wings sooner than anticipated and the demon of heroin that lived inside my brother, finally put him where he is today, prison for a lifetime. With life being as short as it is, we have all made it so much harder than it needs to be. I guess what I'm saying is we should all keep a little simplicity in our lives and look at life the way so many such as Chad couldn't.....that it's beautiful. If you feel like breaking out in a dance in the middle of the store aisle, do it. If you want to build a pyramid with girls or guys between the ages of 12 and 60, do it. If you want to go to heaven with the intentions of sliding in head first, than by all means DO IT because I sure the hell am. You don't always have to be your serious self. Laughing and loving is part of life and life is laughing and living. Don't wait for something so tragic to happen, as it did with my family, to finally let loose and give in a little bit. Realize it now with the very breath you take.

Chad has been sober (as far as I know) for 365 + days. Our family hasn't had to worry about the state Chad is in for 365 + days now. And for 365 + days, I haven't been scared or drained out of my mind figuring out what was too come. My heart beats as it should, I'm not grasping for air and I'm not walking in hell's haze. I'm finally seeing color again!!!

Friday, July 1, 2011

2011-07-11T13:14:00.010-06:00

It's been 268 days. Has it really been that long? It's almost been a year???? It's almost been 365 since I got Chad's P.O.'s call telling me my brother was a suspect in a homicide. One of the very worst days of my existance. Just when I thought my life had all but ended, it has continued to move on, go forward. Some days are kind, others not so much, but I have done "ok" so far and can only hope it continues.

But today, the first day of July, in a whole new year, I was forced to face what I have avoided these last 268 days. I had to face the fact that today was the day I would HAVE to clean out Chad's belongings. It was time to clean out his room and make way for our little brother "B" to make his entrance. I would have put this day off for many more days, months, maybe even another year or so if I could have, but it was the only room I had to offer "B" so the day of reckoning was finally on my shoulders and there was no getting out of it. Not this time.

I made a trip to Wal-Mart to buy some bins for his belongings. I was pretty confident and sure of myself that I would be just fine doing this. It's been a very busy sprummer (spring and summer mixed) and I have been filled with things to do, girls night's out, yard work, spring cleaning, and the everyday hustle and bustle of my at times completely overwhelming life. I have seen Chad, talked to Chad, and spoke of him & "her name" nightly in my prayers, and with all of that, I have been able to mend in some ways. I'm not over it, nor will I ever will be over it...but I'm functioning and I'm understanding more and more. His voice, his hugs and seeing him as a "recovering" addict is what stitches my heart together, little by little.

My boyfriend was home with me today so I didn't have to face what I have put off for so long....alone. He never leaves me alone to deal with the hard shit that comes into my life, unless I want him too. When I did think about having to go through Chad's belongings, I had convinced myself that being solo while doing so would be the very best way for me to do it. But something told me, that gut instinct said, "not today, not with this will you be solo."

So home from Wal-Mart, in the house, and into Chad's room I went with the bins. I looked around memorizing once again the way his room looked, the way his room smelled and what was where before I packed it all up. Where do I even start? Asking myself that question, "where do I start" was my way of holding off just a few more minutes, stalling and slacking a bit longer on doing the unbearable. But I had too this time, it wasn't a choice to procrastinate anymore.

I started from the left and worked myself to the right. Chad was such an organized freak of nature, lol, much like myself but even more so than me. His shirts were perfectly aligned by color and sleeve length. His closet started with the short sleeved T-shirts and vaguely made their way to long his long sleeved sweaters. I handled them softly, laying them in the bins, occasionally holding a shirt up to my face breathing in the smell of laundry soap, softener, and of course...Chad. I didn't make any attempt to rush through the process. After all, this would be it. This was all I had left, besides this story, and I wanted to cherish the emotions no matter what my heart held.

He had shirts and sweaters in there from Abercrombie, Old Navy, American Eagle, Polo, Nautica, and so on. He was not a frugal dresser by any means. Chad always dressed to the nines and did so with pride... when his body wasn't pumping heroin. I guess I can take that back because even during the nights of going to his addict classes or the family bar-b-q's, he always tried to maintain his composure of perfect hair, perfect creases and perfect manicures. He knew how to take very good care of himself when he could.

I packed up everything I possibly could in the bins and the suitcase he had in his closet. And once that was done, I had to clean out yet ANOTHER room in my house, the storage room..downstairs. "D" continued to help me and make it as easy as possible. Ha...ya right. A storage room that has had every body's crap just thrown in it for three years. Easy???? I didn't think it was possible but with his help, much to my dismay, it was.

Chad's belongings would fit right under the staircase and that's where I planned for them to go. "D" has a friend living with us who puts his bike in the storage room and in doing so, I suppose he unconsciously shoved my never been used by me Christmas tree under the staircase that WAS taped up in it's box so it wouldn't fall out. It was given to me last year after Christmas so I haven't used it yet.

I was getting hot and tired. It was humid outside and workin my nerves inside. I tried putting the Christmas tree away the right way but it wasn't working, I was just making the mess of it worse. I was frustrated and erked. I mean really, could he not have just done it right in the first place? Did he really have to just shove my tree under the staircase letting every piece of masking tape that was holding it together break apart while different parts of the tree ended up hanging out and all over the place? DAMN IT!!!!

"D" looked at me and said "are you ok" and of course I told him I was fine. My famous line..."I'm fine." I looked at him and he said "are you sure because if you want to be alone I will let you be." I looked up at him and THAT'S when the "confidence and sureness" that I would be ok while

packing Chad's belonging's quickly crumbled and once again, I lost it. The tears poured out of my eyes and before I knew it, my face was buried in D's chest with his arms embracing me and I sobbed like a little girl who lost her best friend. In a way, I did. I lost more than my best friend. I lost my brother to his gosh damn heroin addiction. I had promised myself I wasn't going to cry and I even told "D" "I don't want to cry...... no I'm not going to do this" as I'm drying my tears......"I'm not going to cry anymore!!!" He looked at me and reminded me how stubborn I was and tears just kept making their way through. Right outta my heart and down my cheeks, dropping on my shirt, the floor and whatever else would catch them.

I soon realized I wasn't even mad at "B" as I pretended to be over my Christmas tree and it being treated unwell. Good God...seriously Mindy, get OVER it. It's a fake Christmas tree for hell sake. I was really just using it as the excuse to be mad so I wouldn't cry at the very thought that the life of my brother, all I physically had left with me, in my house, what HE wore, his scent, his shoes, certain pants I can see him wearing as if he were standing right in front of me, had been put into two 45 gallon bins and one little suitcase and are now the residents of my dark, cold, and hardly ever visited storage room in the basement of my home. Pathetic, heart-breaking, and I couldn't wait for the task to be over!!!!

"D" put the bins in my storage room in an area that should I ever want to revisit the clothes that hugged Chad, I could do it easily without creating a mess or having to shift everything around just to get to them. They are right there as you walk in, nicely stacked against a wall. I don't know if Chad will ever have the chance to open those bins. I guess they would almost be like time capsules. Something exciting for him to see, remember what he had if he is ever given the chance to once again visit a life he once had. Oh Chad, I miss and love you like crazy and damn you for all of this. Damn that heroin, damn the O.C's, damn your drug addiction. Just damn it all.

Some Thursday Truth!

2011-05-26T13:01:00.007-06:00

Some days I find myself so wrapped up in Chad that I forget about....me. Things about me....the good, the bad, and the ugly. The silly, corky, off the wall and funny stuff. The little things, the simple things.... about ME. So today, I'm giving a little "Thursday Truth" about Mindy and will try to remember to do so on a frequent basis. Here it goes:

I LOVE baby feet. Those precious, perfect, tiny little body parts that grow to a size fit too our own and will hold us up or let us fall in this thing we call life. For me, they are the sweetest feature on a newborn baby.

I use entirely too much bath and dish soap. What can I say, I like bubbles. LOTS of bubbles and the more bubbles there are, the cleaner the object is.

I refuse to walk on grass bare-foot. I know, call me weird. It's one of my "corky" truths. But since I'm speaking of the truth...I see no tranquility, nothing relaxing, and certainly nothing exciting about walking on or rubbing my feet through each bristle where animals AND humans tend to dispose of their waste no matter how soft it may be! It boggles my mind to hear people say "how good it feels". I guess if you like stepping in shit, on accident or not, or stepping in areas where pee, vomit or anything else might lie within the grass and its roots than gooooo for it, and ENJOY.

I am highly addicted to cuticle oil. It's to my nails what Dr. Pepper is to my sanity.....IMPERATIVE. Not to mention it does wonders for my nails.

I once went to a club only to come home and find out that I had a HUGE hole in my very favoritist pants. At least 8-10 inches long. Who KNOWS how long I walked around not having the slightest idea that my right ass cheek was open for public display. And while I was in shock that I actually didn't realize it until I made it home that night, I was more upset about those pants that at the time were my very favorite. Completely unfixable.

Well there you have it for today. My blog is very sad and probably not the routine for somebodys daily reading, that is, if anybody reads this. So hopefully these little truths might have made you smile....or laugh...or think damn this girl is crazy! It's a bonus if you got all three.

Happy 61...or so I thought.

2011-05-23T11:41:00.020-06:00

It was dads birthday yesterday. Sweet 61 he turned, but it wasn't too sweet of a day for him. I called him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday, but he didn't answer. So I left a message telling him so and that I loved him. I went on to get me and his presents ready for the day.

Dad's oldest brother passed away this last summer. The last time he was here, somebody took a great picture of them all together as brothers and sisters, minus my dad's baby brother who died 15 years earlier of suicide. I thought it would be awesome to enlarge the photo and put it in a nice frame for dad to hang in his newly finished basement. And then of course, there was a bag of Raisinets, his FAVORITE! I highly disagree on the taste of them. Chocolate covered peanuts, you have me, but raisins? No way!!

As a few hours went by, dad never returned my call. I wondered if we were still on for dinner and couldn't get a hold of anybody to find out. I called dad again, no answer. I called his wife, no answer. Totally out of character for my dad to not answer his phone or return the missed calls. So I made one more attempt to dad's wife's daughter. Dinner was still on according to her but I didn't want to just show up since I hadn't heard anymore about it from her mom. Dad's wife called. Dinner was still on, but dad woke up in a not so good mood. He wasn't answering his phone, he didn't want to talk to anybody, he didn't do his weekend grocery shopping routine with her, he was mad that she planned anything for his birthday and had invited the family to celebrate. He was just pissed.

He was so different last year. We all went to Vegas for his 60th birthday and HAD A RIOT. I suppose with all that has happened in the last year with Chad, dad is living with a broken heart and sees nothing remotely happy about celebrating his day. For him, it's just another day, another day closer to death.

I was pretty devastated to hear how grouchy he was. After all, I was excited to see him and give him his present and just be with everybody. AND...actually get to go outside with the nice weather. But I questioned whether we should even go or not. Does he want us there to celebrate his birthday? Than again, my oldest is leaving Saturday, so I of course wanted him to see his grandpa before he left for who knows how long again. I just wasn't sure what to do.

I went. Walked into dads house and there he was, in his spot, on the couch. I was hesitant to say too much, not knowing what I would get back. I gave him his present and said happy birthday. He loved the picture! "D" sat on the couch with him and I figured it would be a good thing for dad to have some "manly" bonding time. Maybe that would relax him, so I hung out in the kitchen with the girls.

As family showed up and hours went by, dad loosened up a little. He even smiled when he blew his birthday candles out. We had a GREAT dinner. Steak, baked potato's, cooked carrots (HIT OF THE DAY I must say), salad and Better Than Sex cake (HIT #2). Chattering going on every which way, the boys outside playing catch, and some family time that sadly for me, doesn't happen very often.

Chad had called earlier in the day but I missed his call. I knew, that he knew, it was dad's birthday and we would be at his house, so I knew he would call back. I stayed for as long as I could, hoping Chad wouldn't forget to call since I'm the only one who can talk with him by phone. Nobody else has set their phones up or their numbers have been denied for whatever reason. It's quite the process getting approved for anything where an inmate is concerned. Right as I was getting ready to leave, the call came in. Dad got to talk to his boy on his birthday and "T" and "B" got to talk to their brother who they haven't spoken to since at least last summer, before everything happened.

I was so happy Chad called, just in the knick of time. Dad got to actually hear the words "Happy Birthday" in Chad's voice. I hope it mended dad's heart for just a minute or two. I know my dad is hurting. I know he carries an unexplainable amount of guilt as far as Chad is concerned. Chad is one of his own, the one who is in prison for the rest of his life for taking another's life. The one who was plagued with drug addiction. The one who had so many opportunities, so much going for him, and let it all go because he was addicted to drugs.

The reality of who Chad could have been and what he could have done vs. who he is now and what he did, has changed dad for the rest of his life. It eats him alive. I try as much as I can to let him know how much I love him and how grateful I am that he is the one I call dad. But I also know his heart has been torn apart, not just by Chad, but by many things over the years. He's fed up. He's tired and I know at times he would much rather be gone than have to deal with the in and outs of everyday.

I enjoyed my Sunday afternoon/evening with my dad and the rest of the family but I cried myself to sleep, wishing he wasn't so hurt over so many things. Thinking of how things might be different today, the here and now, had life's downfall's in the past not unraveled what we all knew and were accustomed too as children. Hoping that having the rest of us there meant just as much to him as if Chad would have been there. Sometimes I feel like even though he still has 4 other kids besides Chad, it's just not enough for him. I don't doubt my dads love for me. But he's broken and he's bitter. He's 61 and had enough.

I understand dad's pain. I know the hurt....the anger....the disbelief and frustration Chad's addiction has caused him. I know what I feel as his big sister. But I am also a parent. And as the mom to my two boys, I know how powerful the love of is for your own. I want my boys to be happy and enjoy life. Be who they can be and follow their dreams. I want nothing more than for each of them to reach for the sky and earn all they deserve. Just like my dad wanted for Chad along with the rest of us. So it's no wonder the cuts remain open for my dad when he is faced everyday with the fact that his son, Chad, was a heroin addict who has been convicted of armed robberies and homicide, and is now spending the rest of his life in the prison system.

Regardless of how dad was feeling on his much deserved celebration of life day...his birthday, I love him with all I have. He has contributed beyond belief to the woman I am today. He has been my rock when at times I had nothing else to hold me up. He is who I call when I'm in the dumps or simply just to say "hi dad". So for every ounce of hurt or anger he had in him yesterday, I still hope he had a "Happy Birthday" and knows how much his first born, me, loves her daddy.

Road trips!

2011-05-20T14:28:00.015-06:00

Spring has FINALLY sprung in my region of the world and we have hardly gone without a day of rain. It's been a challenge trying to get certain projects done like doing my back yard. Most of the time it's to wet to get the tiller out and going. Some days it's so nice and then the days of rainy downpours begin for days on end. I'm really not complaining. It's nice not having to water the lawn or run the swamp cooler and pay for those luxuries when I can get them for free with the cool breeze's that whisp around and the raindrops that drop from the heavens. Summer will be here soon enough and I know I will than be wishing for winter once again.

This is my fruitless plum I planted on the side of my home. Yes I need too and WILL be working on this part of my yard soon enough, so for now, ignore the weeds por favor. I love the pink flowers that blossom every spring and the hint of sweetness it gives away. But most of all I love the story behind this tree of mine.

It was April of 2008 when I purchased this tree. It was the very first tree I bought for my yard since moving in eight months earlier, and I was filled with excitement to play in the dirt and start accessorizing my front yard with trees, plants, and flowers. It was also the month that Chad was to be released "any day" after spending 2 years in the county jail for the pharmacy robberies he committed.

On my way home from buying my tree, which by the way was hanging from the trunk of my eclipse, an unknown number rang my cell phone. "Hello." "Come get me." It was my Chad calling. He was out!!! He had finally been released to freedom once again and oh how I was so excited to see him, face to face, without glass separating us. The day had finally come!!

Instead of taking my tree home, I turned my car around and it made the journey with me. I kept telling my tree to just hang in there as it was being whipped by the wind while I travel to the destination of jail, 30 minutes away, 75 miles an hour. I kept thinking my tree was going to die from either the wind or from the trunk bouncing on it from the bumps in the road, but it would have to be strong because I was on a mission. The mission I had long awaited for.

I pulled into the gas station where he said he would be. I remember looking all over the place for him and then in a quick blink, there he was, lying on the grass in a pair of clothes that didn't belong to him. Not even parking my car, I jumped out and ran to him. He scooped me up and whirled me through the air as he hugged me in his typical fashion. Talk about Kool-Aid smiles. I remember Chad saying, "take me home so I can get out of these wrinkled clothes." Off we went. Homeward bound we were, me, him and my tree.

It was the first time Chad saw my new home. He loved it and loved having his very own room. Sadly, not many inmates leave jail to a nice home with a room they can call their own. Chad had it so good so many times, if he could have only realized. After showing off my little brick house, he went through some things in his room. He came across the obituary I had saved for him. It belonged to a friend who had died earlier of an overdose. Tears streamed down his face at the heartbreak of losing his friend and never being able to say good-bye. I let him be to absorb his pain and adjust to the outside life he was facing to live in.

My little tree was a trooper and made it. I got her planted and slowly she progresses with growth every year. She blooms more each spring and seems to be prettier and prettier every time. It's a constant reminder of the small road trip we both endured and happiness I had on that April day.

I haven't seen Chad in about a month. The last weekend I planned to see him, the prisons were put on lock down. There were three violent incidents at one of the other prisons in the state, one leading to the fatality of another. Because of the rise in violence, the prisons were locked down and all visitation was cancelled until further notice. It's finally been lifted and I will plan another road trip once again. I have spoken with him though and he's doing well!!!!!

Life has been extremely busy. My oldest has completed his second year of college. I cannot believe he has already done two years of college. Time is flying by quicker than I want it too. I made the trip to pick him up but unlike last year, I did it alone this time. Driving through the canyons and over the hill tops I laughed and cried over the memories from the last trip doing the very same thing......only with my dad and Chad.

That morning started with Chad and I sitting on the front porch waiting for pops. He is ALWAYS on time but wasn't this morning. I was almost ready to call him for the "status of his location"....lol....when suddenly he came rolling around the corner. Both Chad and I laughed as we tapped on our wrists pretending as if we had a watch because he was TEN minutes late. He rolled his window down and we both said laughingly "you're late". He smiled back at us and said "oh whatever, get in the truck".

Dad had packed us cookies, muffins and Gatorade's just like he used to pack snacks for us when we would go fishing in our early days. I by far have the best dad one could ever wish for. My heart holds such a special place for this man I call dad. Chad took the front seat with dad and I took the back. It was surely going to be a day of laughs and bugging because I was going to make it that way. It was almost like I knew there would come a day when I couldn't make memories with the three of us together again so I was gonna make it worth my while and I did.

We both love the movie "Step Brothers" so I wanted to do to Chad what Dale and Brennen did to each other. Pick pick and pick. So the road trip turned into giving Chad wet willy's, pulling his hair, tickling his ears, putting my feet in his face and ears. Yes, I was the pestering sister that wanted nothing more than to make us laugh and do things that we hadn't done to each other since we were little kids. Dad referred to us as children of the corn, LOL. He laughed at the two of us instigating the other and wondering how he's made it all these years with his crazy kids and the things they did and still do to each other, even at 27 and 38. I'm sure by the time dad dropped us home that night he was more than happy to get rid of us. My plan was accomplished!!!!!

It was a very quiet trip this time around. Just me, once again, on the same road to pick my twenty year old up. The lake is still frozen, snow still packs the mountains and the rivers and streams are rushing for time as the run-off fills their beds. I'll be sure to insert pictures soon.

I thought about both of my boys and pray so much that they will never dabble with drugs. I'm truly frightened beyond repair I think. I know how I've raised them, I know the mother I am to them and I know the values I've tried to instill in them. But I can't be there with them every minute of the day. I can't be there to say NO or please don't when and if the opportunity of hell comes to their lap. I can only keep praying and keep talking to them in hopes that the choices they make will be the right ones and that they will never fall victim to a drug addiction.

There were two more major drug busts this last week in different counties of the state. Counties very close by mine. Twenty three people arrested in one encounter, three in the other. How sad and angry I feel for those as they are guided by law enforcement in hand-cuffs. They are so lost and so controlled by the money and highs heroin or any drug provides. It's honestly just sickening. I remember when I was a little girl.... if you used heroin, you were doing the BIG stuff. It was hard to get, expensive, and seemed to be the "extreme" if you were using it.

These days, it's nothing to get a balloon and it's CHEAP. It's everywhere! Buying heroin is as easy as buying ice-cream from the ice-cream truck. I can walk down the street in my neighborhood and find it just like I could in the ghettos of town. Heroin is not prejudice in who it picks. It goes after anybody and anyone that is willing to use it. It takes the soul out of its shell and slowly chisels it's way through the hearts of families as they watch their addict dwindle away too nothing but a junkie. It pisses me off honestly.

In other news, Lacey has figured out that the bed we bought her for Christmas is exactly that, her bed. She has always slept with us, fault of my own, and it has definitely been a challenge working out the sleeping arrangements. But the switch has turned on and she is now sleeping in her own bed, Lacey's bed. I guess I owe a thanks too Grizz and Odie, my nephews dogs. By bringing them here for visits and them plopping themselves in her bed when they're all tuckered out, might just have been the wake up call for Lacey to realize what the definition of a bed is. I must admit I miss having her cuddled up at my feet or in the bend of my knees but it's also been wonderful not wrestling for space and her winning every time.

Life is good and I'm moving forward. Enjoying the days of spring and rain. I'm a busy girl with lots on my plate but I'm taking it for what it is, one breath at a time, one day at a time and being grateful for it all. I will be taking another road trip next weekend to Grand Junction, Colorado where I will be dropping my college boy off as he embarks on another chapter in his life. Working and summer college classes in Denver. He is a free spirit and not afraid to take on new beginnings. Spring has definitely sprung. New life, new beginnings.

Triggers!!

2011-05-09T12:40:00.006-06:00

I suppose for the rest of my life I will have what I refer to as "triggers". I explain them as things that trigger memories of Chad. Some of them hit me harder than others. Like for instance, last week on the news a story broke of a "39 year old female found dead in her apartment". I was on my couch looking at my phone when I heard the reporter say that sentence and it hit all too close to my heart. Those were the same words I read on the news's website I frequent on October 4 of last year. The day "her name" was found in her apartment dead. I know my heart stopped beating when I heard that sentence again. My mind went back in time too that day, 7 months ago, when my life was hit with the hardest reality check I'd had in a long time, if ever!

I could only say to myself inside how glad I was the manhunt wasn't on for my brother this time but oh how I know what her family is getting ready to face and the heartache that will fill their lives from the moment of notice onward. I hope God will help each family and heal them the best they can be healed with a tragedy such as this.

I'm triggered every single day I look to the north of my home. There sits another home, a drug house that met Chad with open arms when he was released from jail the first go around. They are all pill poppers and heroin addicts themselves. One brother used so much acid back in the day that his brain is fried. Another brother is the drug dealer in the home, doing his drug deals at night. I refer to him as a hermit because he NEVER comes out. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him and when he does come out he is grossly pale from no outside light. He looks like powder. It is now my understanding that he himself is using much more than he used too. So much so that he's paranoid and walks around the house with a gun around his waist. And guess what could end up in his crossfire should he ever go off? MY HOUSE! Not to mention that Chad was able to get pills from him and never paid him so if he really wanted to get crazy (which I hope he doesn't) he could do something ridiculously stupid and aim at me or my home.

Then there is the little sister who refers to herself as a "hood rat". This happened to come out late Saturday night as she mozeed to my house and stood outside talking with my boyfriend and his friend while drinking a beer. She is also a heroin addict who has supposedly been clean for 4 months. 20 years old with an almost 2 year old baby boy. Man is locked up, she is scared of her gun strapping brother, she informed my boyfriend of things she supposedly "let Chad do to her" (she is damn lucky I was asleep), and told my boyfriend he has sexy lips. I had to laugh about it all and think how sad for her and her son. What a life to be proud of at 20 years old.

I planted a magnolia tree up against the fence that separates our homes in hopes of it growing so big I don't have too see that house as often as I do right now. It is beyond me why the house has yet to be raided by police officers and taken down. Just beyond me. The drug dealing is so obvious and with summer right around the porch steps, things are certainly going to heat up for some summer "high times".

Then there was the story this weekend of a huge heroin bust resulting in the arrest of 8 people, $80,000, and HUNDREDS of balloons filled with heroin ready to distribute. Our heroin problem in this state is FAR out of control. It's easy money and a beautiful high too many. It's so devastating to hear the statistics our state faces along with the number of lives and sadness this demonic drug has control of. It's horrifying and what I wouldn't give to put MY hands around the throats of the dealers and take the very breath out of them as they have the millions of families who has had to endure the pain of a loved one's addiction.

Forgiveness

2011-04-14T12:14:00.002-06:00

Definition: the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Pretty powerful I think, and one of the hardest things to do. I remember growing up and hearing people say "forgive and forget" or my grandma or mom saying "Mindy, you need to learn to let go and forgive." For many years as a young, naive girl, I didn't believe in forgiving or forgetting or even letting go. That was ABSURD. How do you forget the pain one has caused you? Ridiculous I thought. If you wronged me, you wronged me and that was it. I was never a fighter when I was younger. When I say fighter I mean a "physical" fighter. But I had a knack for holding onto words, emotions, and hurt feelings and that was my way of fighting back to those that caused those things in me. Slingin mud and throwing back in another's face what they did to me was my way of fighting. This hasn't just happened when I was a "young girl", but even as recently as 2 years ago.

But as the years have passed and the trials I have faced have come and gone, I have grown-up } in a sense { and maturity grew within me. I have realized how short life really is. I don't want to be remembered as a crass, mean girl who could never forgive anybody for anything. I learned in my life's ups and downs that forgiveness is really the only way to move forward. It doesn't mean that I forgot the issue at hand that I forgave, it just means I have learned to live without it stopping ME from living. It's a VERY hard task to accomplish but when I did it, my soul was free from that pain in a way.

We ALL make mistakes. Some are little, some are HUGE. We all carry skeletons in our closets. We all have regrets. But holding onto what we've done bad in our past will only hold us down in our future if we don't consciously forgive. And forgiving is not just about forgiving the one who wronged you, it's about forgiving yourself when you have wronged as well.

I forgive Chad for all he put me through. I forgive Chad for what he's done to land him where he is today. I just plain forgive Chad. And as hard as it is, I am trying to forgive myself for what I should have done but didn't in situations with Chad. I don't necessarily know what I really should have done, but if I didn't do it right, I'm slowly forgiving myself for it.

No I will never forget what the last 10 years have been like with him. I will never forget the call I got on October 4th from his probation officer. I will never forget the look in his eyes the last time I saw him outside of the corrections department. There are LOTS of never forgets I will live with for the rest of my life. But when I am reflecting on the times of disparity with Chad, I won't do so in an angry or cold fashion because I have forgiven him.

My heart will always be broken over my brother Chad and his slavery to drug addiction. My heart will always be broken for "her name" and her family. All I can do is move forward and hope that one day, Chad will forgive himself and that God will forgive him too.

There is no such thing as "Forgive and Forget". I still think that's an absurd saying. But you can forgive and rather than forget, remember why you forgave.

BOSTON

2011-04-11T11:52:00.021-06:00

Boston by Augustana. A song that reminds me of the many times I just wanted to pick up and run away. Far, far away where nobody would know me, nobody would know my name. I didn't care how far away it was, just as long as I was far enough from my brother's addiction and the turmoil it flooded my heart with.

I have to say there were times, LOTS of times, when I was so SICK of his disease and the evil things it did and caused him to do, that I didn't want to hear about him ONE - MORE - TIME, unless I had a funeral to go too. And that was the damn truth. I didn't want to hear his crackly voice, I didn't want to see the pathetic look on his manipulative face, I didn't want to stare in his hollow puddles of heroin high (his eyes) and I didn't want to be around him for another breath of mine.

Those were the times of anger. Those were times when I had nothing left in me to hold onto. I didn't have one more ounce of energy to keep my brother alive. Times when I would get home and just throw my body on my bed and crunch my pillow into my soul asking myself and God, "what's next." Morning's when I would wake and wish I hadn't. Times when I would gasp for air from being so overwhelmed with Chad. I wanted to scream in his face GET OVER IT. STOP already!!! Quit killing yourself, me, and the rest of our damn family you selfish prick!! His body was withering away little by little but it wasn't fast enough anymore for me. He didn't care so why did I have to care so much? If he wasn't going to go, than I wanted too!!!! I wanted to run away.

Chad did wear the chains as mentioned in this song, the chains of an addict. But I wore chains too. And every chance Chad had, it seemed as if he pulled them a little tighter around my heart. I just wanted a break. I wanted freedom from those chains that held us both down. I wanted to run away and never look back and start all over from scratch. I didn't care if I worked in a little store, or even a bakery making dimes to live. If it were even remotely possible for me to do, me breaking those chains that had such a heavy hold on me would have been worth it all.

I had dreamt many times, sleeping and awake, that if I were able to do something like this, I would cut all ties for a while with everybody! Family and all. I wanted time for me, Mindy. I wanted to learn to breathe normally again. I wanted a normal heartbeat. Not one the stopped beating everytime something happened with him. I wanted to get out of the grind Chad's addiction reeled on me and let everything go...piece by piece.....just for a while. I wanted to be in a place where nobody knew ME or where I came from, who I was, or what I had been going through with my family and brother. I wanted to start over! I wanted to leave everything I knew behind and just be free. I simply wanted peace.

Snapping back into reality hurt. Knowing I couldn't just pack up me, myself and I and some belongings and head somewhere I didn't know. But gratefully I had a family that I adored and still do, children who are my absolute reason for breathing, and a pain in the ass brother who still needed me and crazily (not a word, I know but I liked it), I needed him too.

Maybe those dreams helped me get through some of the hardest times I had with Chad. Hearing this song and escaping in its words sure did. It would be so easy to just get up and run away in times of hardship. I mean shit, Chad did. He ran from reality and stuck a needle in his arm full of brown, sticky liquid to do it. But our chains, both his and mine, weren't so easy to be broken after all. Chains are made of links. He was the weak link and as much as I HATED it most times, I had to be the strong link when his was breaking apart.

So while I was having to be that strong link in the chains we wore together, and couldn't just pick up and go to Boston or anywhere else for that matter, my run away was to the words of songs, like this one. Music was my only way of starting over!

Should I....should I not???

2011-03-31T12:13:00.009-06:00

It was a year ago at this time Chad was being released from jail. He had spent another 8 months for shoplifting and violating his probation. My dad was working with a case worker from the county jail trying to get him into an apartment. There is some type of program that helps inmates when they get out of jail/prison for pennies on the dollar compared to what the law-abiding citizens pay for rent or mortgages. It was a slow process and we were told that Chad would need to stay at the mission for the first few days he was out until they could get his apartment for him. Chad had made it clear to our sister that he was not staying at the mission. So being I was the only one in the family that would remotely think of taking him back, I was asked if I would let him stay with me until he could move into his own apartment. I did so but made it a point that I would only do it for a few days, until he got his own place. He wasn't too sure about my offer since we hadn't spoken in quite some time when I kicked him out for relapsing (regret)! But with the other option Chad was facing, he didn't have too much of a choice. I asked myself over and over and over again, should I do this or should I not? Should I let him back in my home, even if it is for a few days? Should I take another chance with him? Should I open myself and home to the risk it is having an addict living with me? What could a few days hurt? I got the call from my dad Chad was out. Dad dropped him off at the mall and I picked him up later that day when I got off work. I was anxious yet nervous to see him. It had been over a year since we spoke, since I last saw him. He walked out of the mall and I walked to him and just took him in my arms, as he did me. He was exhausted and looked it. He was a little apprehensive at first, cold...distant, but I knew it would take time for both of us. We went to TGIF for some dinner. Some REAL food I guess you could say. He kept telling me he wasn't hungry and not to worry about it but my stubborn self did it anyways. He had watched movies all day at the mall until I picked him up. I could tell in his face...his eyes...that he just wanted to lay down and get some sleep. On our way home I had decided all in about a matter of seconds that I was keeping my brother with me, for as long as it took. I wasn't going to let him go into an apartment by himself, with nobody to talk too. I felt as if he were too fragile to leave alone and the best thing would be for him to be with and around those who loved him. So all bets were off and I didn't care, he was staying with me and that was final. I was working two jobs to help support us. I had been working two jobs before Chad came home and continued to do so until he was able to get a job. He bonded immediately with my dog, Lacey. She was head over heels for her Chadly as he was her. It was so good to have her there because she kept him busy, kept him occupied and she gave him something to do. It was almost as if she were his therapy while home all the time.

Thanks to Chad, Lacey is now a HUGE fan of peanut butter. She can eat it by the spoonfuls. And she loves popsicle's.....thanks again to Chad. I sent a picture of Lacey to him. He wrote back saying how much he misses her. She was so good for him. There are many who come out of the system with absolutely nowhere to go but the rescue mission.....or the streets. I was asked by his P.O. why I took him back. My answer..."because he's my brother and I felt that if I would have let him go on the streets or to the mission, I might as well have just put the needle in his arm myself." Maybe I shouldn't have taken him back. Maybe the streets or the mission is where he needed to be. Lots of addicts go that route and it becomes their darkest moment, their rock bottom, their way out of their addiction if it's TRULY not where they want to be. I'll never know if Chad would have turned his life around and remained sober if I would have turned him away. I did what I did because it's what felt right to me. Yes it was a risk, yes it was difficult, yes it may have been the absolute wrong thing to do, but I did it and even though he didn't make it with his sobriety, I have no regrets with my decision. I got six more months with him. Six more months of memories, good and bad. Six more months of laughs, tears, hugs, pranks, foot-steps, breath, and "time" with my brother. It went by all to fast. Maybe the instinct I had when I decided so quickly to keep him with me was God's way of saying this is your last shot. I don't know, not sure if God had anything to do with it. But I'm grateful for the little bit of time I had left with him on the outside and THAT is something I thank the good Lord above for.

A great ending to a not so good week.

2011-03-28T12:27:00.004-06:00

Last week I was with a group of people. We were in a meeting and the topic of inmates came up and their medical treatment. It wasn't a long conversation but just enough was said to rattle my cage I guess you could say. It all boiled down to how scary inmates are when they are shackled up and isn't it nice to know where our tax dollars are going. Everybody laughed in on the conversation while I just kept my head down. It certainly struck a nerve and I found nothing funny about their comments. My taxes are going right along with theirs to fund everything from the state correctional facility, to the politicians salary, to the programs that assist the illegal immigrants and so forth. I would much rather keep that money that I bust my back for and spend it on what I choose too, but thanks to the laws of our land and the idiots who see over it, I'm not at the freedom to do so without severe penalty. Yes, I'm more sensitive now and I think the others would be too if any of them were in the situation I and my family are in. I'm not blind to the fact of where my brother is nor am I naive about who pays for him to be where he is. I'm just his heartbroken sister who has feelings and a more fragile heart than I have in the past. Although many are in the same boat as me, I would never wish this on anybody to go through. When I woke up Saturday morning, I wasn't my normal self. I was quiet, sustained and kept to myself. It was quiet in my house. Everybody was sleeping but me. I sat down on my couch with my cup of coffee reflecting on the dream I had the night before. The dream that put me in "her name"s house. I remember in my dream I had walked to her home but I wasn't able to get to the front door because construction was being done in her house. Her neighbor said I would have to take the detour all the way around the block and up the hill and enter through the back side. It seemed like such a hike to get their. It was dark and I don't even know what I was doing there in the first place. I could see her house as plain as day. Just like it looked in the news reports. I went through the back door and somebody had already moved in. A man lived there but wasn't home when I walked in. I remember walking slowly through the apartment looking at his bed, looking around at the walls and wondering where exactly did this all happen in her old home? What happened that caused Chad to do what he did? What could have possibly made him take her life? Right then I woke up. My first thought was why in the world did my dreams take me to her home? Why would I even dream of such a thing? My day was a little off the norm for me and I felt SO tired. Bags under my eyes, fatigued, and felt just like a puddle of sludge. I went to see Chad with my dad yesterday. This was our second visit and of course, it was snowing!!! It was my turn to drive and I kept praying that God would watch over my dad and I and make sure we made it safely. Driving in the snow is one thing, driving in it with your dad as the passenger?????? Well that's another thing. I felt like my dad's life was in my hands and it's usually always the other way around. After breakfast at McDonald's we were on our way. And before I knew it I was taking another detour. A bridge was being moved so we had to get off the freeway and go into town and go all the way around to get back on the freeway. How coincidental that I had to take a detour in my dream to get to her home and I was now taking another detour to visit my brother. I almost didn't get to see Chad because I was wearing all white. The inmates wear all white so you have to dress in other colors so the guards can tell the difference between the visitor and the inmate should something happen. It's so obvious my brain doesn't function well in the early morning. I had forgotten that I can't wear an underwire bra and remembered just as I was getting ready to walk out the door so I had to change, but the all white thing went completely over my head. Looks like I will be buying an outfit specifically for my visits with Chad so I don't have to think so hard on those morning's if what I'm wearing is prison appropriate. Chad is doing SO good! He looks amazing just like before and was in good spirits. He is taking a current events class that he likes and staying busy with his time. He is completely bald and looks so good. He's tired of dealing with his hair. He had this pink patch on the side of his head and I asked him what it was. When he was in R&O, they only give them one razor but it's not enough to shave his head. So he was able to get some of that hair removal cream like Nair. So he applied it the first time and it didn't take all the hair off. You aren't supposed to rub that stuff into your skin but he did and it started to bleed a little but the hair on that part of his head didn't come off. So he completely defied the instructions where it says NOT TO USE more than once in a 24 hour time period and put it back on his head. BURN BURN BURN!!!!! Buuuuuuuuuuuurn. LOL...he said he woke up a couple days later and saw something on the side of his head. He went to touch it and it was a BLISTER that had formed on his head that peeled right off his head when he pulled it. Ew gross!!!!!! But I was laughing so hard when he told me about it and so was he. His head got burned in THREE DIFFERENT PLACES. It was an awesome visit. But the very, VERY best part of it all was it was a CONTACT VISIT. So that hug I thought I would never have again or would possibly have to wait for YEARS to get, I got yesterday. The hug that swallows me into his chest and I have to stand on my tip-toes so I can reach air, I got yesterday. The hug that squeezes me so tight that my back pops, I got yesterday. Twice!!! Once at hello, the other at see-ya. The next time you hug somebody, hug them as if it will be the very last time you will do it. Mean it!!! Don't be afraid to squeeze a little harder than the time before. Don't be afraid to put your arms around somebody and let them know how much they mean to you or how much you love them. Hugs are simple and they ROCK. Hugs are comforting!!!! They have the power to give so much and can make all the difference in sombody's world. I can't wait for my brother Chad to once again swoosh me into his arms and be able to do the same in return. XOXOXO

As a matter of numbers!

2011-03-21T12:39:00.001-06:00

#2.......the number of balloons of heroin Chad said he took for the day whenever I would ask. Even when I knew it was so much more than that.

12x8......the size of his cell he shares with another.

500 South.......the street "her name" lived on. I passed it this weekend, not her home, but the
street as I made my way up North. It's a pit in the stomach kind of feeling when
I see that street name.

2034.....the year Chad will be eligible for parole. TWENTY THIRTY FOUR!! While I was
already made aware of this through Chad, I'd once again like to thank our media, the
tribune this time, for once again putting this horrible story on display.

90.....the number of pieces of evidence taken from the crime scene.

#5.....the gas pump I last saw my brother freely walk outside without barriors. Little did I know
that my brother had already committed the crime that would forever change two families
lives....for good!

15 to life.....nothing much to be said here.

440.....the dollar amount he took from my bank account in less than 24 hours to get high.

5600 W. 4100 So......the intersection I last saw Chad....at pump #5.

5.....the amount of gas I put in "her name" car....at pump #5.

3.....all it took was Chad to have these three things and I knew a relapse was coming. Job, cell
phone, and wheels!!! RELAPSE!

27.....the age of Chad when he entered the penal system for what may be the rest of his life.

62.....the age I will be when Chad is eligible to face the parole board.

2:00.....the time I got the phone call telling me they found Chad and he was alive and "ok".

176264.....I know him as Chad, but he is now a number to the state.

10/4/2010.....the exact date my life was rocked upside down and two families lives were ripped
to shreds. It was also the day Chad's heroin addiction came to a screeching halt
for which I hope is for good.

Numbers have never been my thing. But it's funny how so many I can relate to Chad. He called last night and he is still doing really well. I have had a harsh case of blogitis. So many things going on and such little time. I've been thinking of Chad more at night again lately, when I lay my head on my pillow and look out my bedroom window. I've been a little depressed about him. I guess it's just part of the cycle and I take it as it comes. But the good thing is, I will be visiting him this weekend and that is something so good to look forward too.

Callings in life.

2011-02-22T11:13:00.007-07:00

FLOORED! AMAZED!!! SHOCKED!!!!!!!!! RELIEVED!!! ECSTATIC!!!!ASTONISHED! SPEECHLESS!!!!!

These are just some of the adjectives that described how I felt the moment my brother Chad, turned the corner as he entered the room --separated by glass-- as my dad and I sat there waiting to see him. I don't know about my dad but I was nearly crawling out of my skin waiting for him to arrive. And when he did, my breath was taken right from me. WOWWWZA!

The difference is BEYOND night and day. Unbelievable!!! I wanted so badly too ask the guard if I could somehow take a picture of my brother, but that is a BIG no no. His transformation is incredible. It is the very best Chad has looked in NINE years. It was almost as if he has been reborn. He looked better Sunday than he did the day he graduated from high school. If I could show a picture of him on Sunday morning and compare it to the pictures of him shown through the media, I swear you would second guess yourself. There is NO comparison what-so-ever, but Chad would make the perfect poster child for a before and after drug abuse campaign.

His head was completely bald. He bic's it all the way down so he doesn't have to deal with the whole "hair" thing. His face has been kissed by the sun just a tad. He isn't gray or pale anymore, the look of death is what I mean. He has a glow to his skin. His eyes have LIFE in them. They are not completely dilated and dark. His skin is smooth. All in all, he is maintained. He is my brother once again. The Chad I remember from years ago, before his drug addiction dismantled his life.

We were able to visit for an hour and a half. So worth the drive. SO WORTH IT! He is doing better than I ever believed he could do. He smiled bigger than I have seen him smile in years. They were sincere smiles, not the pretend smiles he would give to make you believe he was ok when he really wasn't. He is taking college classes, reading, working out, and seeing his case worker. He is taking his medication daily and making it through without struggle. He is finally living!!!!

Chad's darkest hours I firmly believe are behind him, once and for all. He is no longer struggling to make it day by day on the outside. He is no longer struggling to stay sober. He is no longer deteriorating from drug rot. He is no longer slowly taking his own life with spoons and balloons. It is the craziest thing for me to grapple but it's true, Chad is better in prison than he is home with me, or anybody else. Chad is home. He is in a structured environment where he is in so much more control of himself and his life. He is no longer a danger to himself or anybody else. It seems as though he has finally found his place, his calling in life.

We all have callings. Some we miss, others we ride to the fullest. How odd must it sound to hear that Chad's calling in life may very well be in a prison system where he will be for the rest of his life? But I believe that Chad will be far more productive, more motivated and respect himself more where he is than he would or ever could on the outside of the barriers that surround him.

He is "ok" where he is. He is "ok" with his life now. It's unrecognizable for me but it's the same for Chad looking at us and our lives. He can't recognize it, he can't do it. I remember one morning driving him to work. Chad burst into tears and said "how do you do it? Why do you do it sis? How do you go through everyday doing what you do?" I gave him my reasons, my boys. Chad has no kids so he couldn't relate but it was very clear (frustrating too) that what I do everyday, which seems so simple because it's habit, is much too far out of his reach to do and do so with a clear mind.

Anybody can take it as him making excuses and that's ok. I did too. But after the many years of going through this with him, I know Chad. And for those that don't know him, they don't know, let alone understand his mentality. I struggle with it too but it is what it is. Chad is who he is. Many people can make it with "life", many people can't, and Chad is one who can't.

Chad's drug addiction took a very hard toll on us all. It was a very long nine years of destruction. Many tears, many disagreements, many fights.....many nights awake wondering where he was. Many times when I wished he would have just died. But he didn't. He is alive, he is happy and he is FUNCTIONING. He is clean, he is sober and he is the Chad I didn't believe could ever exist again.

He will have to live with what he has done for the rest of his life, like the rest of us. But I have no reason nor any right to persecute him for what he's done. That is between him and God. One of the Ten Commandments reads, thou shall not kill. Chad committed a heinous crime, but I believe we have a very loving Heavenly Father who will be open to see the whole situation at hand as far as Chad goes. The very good he was and the very bad he was. I believe Chad can and will be forgiven. I pray always for that but it's not it my hands. Chad must ask for forgiveness in his own way.

Many people break the commandments. They steal, they commit adultery, they don't honor their parents or whatever they may break. I am not innocent by any means. But if you believe, if you have faith, and if you ask for forgiveness, I believe it can happen. I believe that you can make it to heaven after you have committed the very worst of the worst.

I left with great comfort after my visit with my brother. I truly know, without questioning anything, that Chad is fine. And while I still ache over the circumstances I wasn't able to change then or can change now, it's time for ME too just go with it and be happy that my brother may now be doing what he is supposed to be doing...living his calling in life!

Check, Check, Check Check

2011-02-18T12:32:00.009-07:00

This weekend I will be seeing Chad for the very first time since November 2010. Excited is an understatement. I'm so anxious to visit with him and see for myself how "good" he really is doing. He called me last Sunday. I was in the middle of putting shish-ka-bobs together when his ring tone went off. And damn it, my phone being the fancy touch screen phone that I SOOOO had to have, got stuck when I tried to accept his call and rather than accepting the call, it ENDED the call! FOR THE LOVE OF.......!!!!! But 5 minutes later, Chad called back and my fingers and touch screen went hand in hand, like they should have the first time.

He is doing really well. He is enrolled in a couple of college classes and will be taking more as they become available. He does a lot of reading and goes into the yard. They aren't allowed to do "nothing". They have to be busy and productive and that is something that helps Chad tremendously with his time. It makes it go by fast he says. It's amazing to hear from him. It's so relieving as well.

I have said before how confused I am when I hear his voice and hear how happy he is. It's SO difficult for me to comprehend just like it was so hard for him to comprehend living on the outside. Then the light bulb went on. Duh Mindy, he sounds SO good because his mind and body are dry from heroin. He isn't self-destructing. He isn't destroying himself bit by bit, or should I say hit by hit?. He is clean, he is sober, he is free from his drug addiction. There are two very different Chad's. The sober Chad vs. the high Chad. The person he is now, is the brother I can relate too. All because of two words, drug free!

And here I am, in my kitchen, hearing the happiness in our conversation and thinking to myself how "her name"'s family can NEVER do this again. If they read my words they would probably be furious that I dare speak of the happiness I have when I talk to my brother or read his letters or how excited I am that I get to see him. They will NEVER be able to do this with her again. They can visit her, but it's at a cemetery. They can speak to her, through the air. They will never have the opportunities with her that I have with Chad because she is gone. Chad still walks, breathes and most of all, he lives, even though he lives in prison. She does not. So I feel so selfish for being happy to hear his voice. I feel as if it is the ULTIMATE betrayal to a family I know nothing about except that my brother took one of theirs. But he is my brother and I still love him unconditionally. I would totally understand their animosity, anger and hurt knowing that what I can do with him (while limited), they can't do with "her name".............because of Chad.

So I will be hitting the road for what will be my first ever visit to a prison and I'm not afraid. This is my life and it's something I must do and even if I were afraid, I'd have to get over that pretty quick. I have a lot of visiting to do in a building made of cinder block walls, fences with razor wire, and guard towers not to mention guards with loaded guns and rattling equipment they carry on themselves.. Check-list for my visit:

All 5 earrings OUT---check

Belly button ring OUT---check

Wireless bra ON---check, check

I don't recall tattoos sounding off security alarms, and I don't think mine contain any type of metal, I sure in the hell hope they don't, so I think I might just make it through.

The best part of it all will be making the trip with my dad. Oh what a man he is and I hope he knows how much his oldest daughter, being me, loves him and does so with all her heart. These are not necessarily the memories you want to make with loved ones, memories of this magnitude, but it's where we are in this thing we call life and like everything else, I'm going to ride with it and take it all in the very best I can.

A letter to heaven.

2011-02-11T08:38:00.002-07:00

Dear God;

There is an angel up there in the heavens with you. She was delivered to you on or about September 29th, 2010. You and I both know how she entered through the thrones of heaven and I ask that you deliver this letter to her.

"Her name",

Hi, this is Mindy. I'm Chad's oldest sister. I never had the chance to meet you but I would like to say some things to you. First of all I must start by saying thank you. Thank you for taking my brother Chad in December of 2008, the month I pushed him out because I had finally confirmed his relapse when I found his needles, my spoons and the blood stained gauze from the holes in his arms. I regretfully gave up and had enough and you opened your home to him. You, being the sweet soul you were, took my drug addicted brother into your home and provided a safety net for him. You attempted to help him although he was so unwilling to help himself. At that point I don't think he was capable of helping himself. He was so far gone.

Second of all, I am so sorry!!! I know that must sound so simple considering the circumstances that took your life. I don't know what else to say or how to say it in a way that you and your family could understand the true sincerity of those words. Our families, yours and mine, have been devastated by this tragic and unnecessary event and I'm slowly trying to sew my heart back together, thread by thread.

I don't know what happened at that moment when your life became entangled at the hands of Chad. I don't want to know. It's enough knowing what I do know and it's all I can take. I do know however, that you didn't deserve this. While I can only imagine how heavenly your place of residence is, I know your family would much rather have you here with them. Your father and brother said such sweet words about you. Even my dad who had the honor of meeting you while you both awaited at the jail to see Chad, said what a very nice woman you were and how much you cared for Chad. -Once again, thank you.

This is not the right thing to wish or say, but I'd rather it have been me than you. My family had already been through a number of heartbreaking years with Chad and his addiction. It should have been kept within the family and not included another. Another's life should not have been taken, your life should not have been taken. Nobody else should have or deserved to suffer!

While you and I didn't know each other personally, I hope you know I think of you as well as your family all the time. I drive past the building everyday where you and Chad were employed and the reason you two met. It's eery but I am getting used to it. Knowing that two people, both gone, once worked right there. Your footsteps walked those floors, your breath filled the air and you two were very like by all who knew you there.

I hope to one day get involved with groups, families, and children regarding drug addiction and the horror it leaves behind. I don't want you to have died in vain. We did everything we could possibly do to help Chad. Once he relapsed, his addiction spiraled out of control and all we could do was hold our breath.

The phone call I had long awaited for was not the phone call I expected to get. Never did I imagine or once think my brother would do a life sentence in prison for taking a life. NEVER. I was mortified, shattered, and absolutely devastated. I STILL have trouble believing it. It just shouldn't have happened and I know in my heart my brother wouldn't have ever done something so brutal had he not taken the path of life he followed for so many years.

Chad is paying the price for the years of drug abuse that ultimately led to him snap. He is where he should be and you are not. But it is what it is and there is nothing that can change where our two families are today although if given the chance, I would change it all in the blink of an eye.

I hope you are using your wings to comfort your loved ones. There's nothing more soothing than knowing sombody in heaven is watching over you. Angel kisses are the best.

A new season is approaching, thankfully. The time when new life unveils itself through the flowers, the trees and all else that blooms in spring and through summer. The bee's and dragonflies will soon be buzzing all over my yard. I know you will be part of that because all good things come from heaven.

Love from a stranger,

Mindy...XOXO

BLAH!

2011-02-10T12:31:00.002-07:00

That's how I feel today. It's how I've felt the last couple of weeks. Just blah. I have so many things to get done, so many tasks to do, so many "I need to do this and I want to do that's" but I have no "umph" to get to any of them. I just feel like one big sludgy puddle of mud. I'm sure it has a great deal to do with the cold weather and I'm so over it already. It's time to take on another season...spring. Yes spring, that will put some bounce back in my steps, I'm sure of it.

I haven't spoken with Chad again since the afternoon of January 27th. I dropped a letter in the mailbox last Friday and hope I get a letter sometime this week. Good news is though......I am heading his way in two weeks to visit him. I actually get to see him, in his flesh, for the first time since November of last year when he stood in front of the judge, admitted his guilt to his crime and we all listened as he was sentenced to his fate. I'm sure my visitation will be a much needed remedy for my melancholy.

It's been 5 months since all hell broke loose. Five very short months when you really think about it. Three months since he was sentenced. Two weeks since he's been transferred. The realization of it all I still struggle with. It's SO unbelievable to comprehend Chad....prison, Chad....life sentence, Chad....and what he did. I sometimes just shake my head because I still am overwhelmed and SO mind boggled over the fact that it's true. I'm confused when I hear the happiness in his voice. I haven't heard Chad so happy in a number of years and yet he's serving a life sentence for a homicide. He's in prison but he's doing "good". Believe me, I'm given great relief to hear the "up" in his voice, I would be scared to death if I heard anything different but it's strange. How can prison make anybody sound happy?

I laid in bed the other night and was immediately thinking of Chad's foot steps. Memories that triggered my mind out of the complete blue. Chad was a HEAVY walker and as I laid my head on my pillow, I could hear his footsteps through my head. While at times it was annoying at how heavy of a walker he was, I would trade where we are today to hear him walk once again.

Him being gone has taken a chunk from my heart. I miss my brother so much!! There is no other way to describe it, I just miss him. I miss the Chad before these drugs ruined his life, I miss the Chad when he was clean from his addiction, I even miss seeing my brother on the couch sound asleep full well knowing he was in a high that I couldn't even come close to relate too. He was there, in my presence. I could see, hear and feel him breathing. I could brisk his hair with my fingers...rub my hand on his arm.

Still haven't put his belongings together. The door is still closed. I go in there as little as possible because his clothes are still on the floor, his shoes are still in the closet. It bugs me to know those are my brothers clothes. They are empty assortments of shirts, pants, socks, jackets, hats and everything else he owned that I can see him wearing. I know it's getting time for me to pull myself together and do what I need to do but I just haven't made it there yet. All that is Chad, is in that room. It's all that is left that I have of Chad and I can't let go.

There is one thing that's for sure. Yes I'm in a funk right now and everything is just there. BLAH!!! But it doesn't stop me from thinking of all the wonderful Chad was. It doesn't stop me from remembering all the shit I've traveled through with him because of his drug addiction. It doesn't stop me from hoping "her name" is safely in heaven pouring her radiant spirit over her family. I have good memories, I have awful memories but they are exactly what they are, memories and gratefully, NOBODY can take those away from me.

Running on empty.

2011-01-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

Since Wednesday, 1-26, my life has been anything but calm and collective. It's been an absolute rat race. I had been anxiously waiting for Chad to call me back all afternoon. I got a call alright, but it wasn't the call I was waiting for and it wasn't Chad. Let me give you a run down!!

*3:15-the boyfriend calls and says "babe, meet me at the hospital, I think I cut my finger off." Because he's such a joker I didn't believe him so I said"ya right." "No babe, I'm serious, here talk to "J" (co-worker)." Sure enough, they were taking him to the emergency room.

*3:45-I arrived at the emergency room. There he was....tears gently falling from his eyes when he saw me. Finger had been numbed with whatever that stuff is...Lidocaine maybe?

*Taken for x-rays.

*Surgeon comes in, looks at his finger. I had to remove myself from the room to prevent myself from fainting. Some things I can handle but not a table saw injury. EW!

*Form signed for surgery, (it's gonna be a long night). E.R. staff comes in and says it's time to get you prepped for surgery.

*Phone rings. It was a 435 number so I almost didn't answer thinking it might have been work, but I did anyways. IT WAS MY CHAD!!! :):):)

*Left the room to talk to my brother who's voice I haven't heard in 2 months besides earlier today when I heard him say his name. He is doing wonderful. He has been transferred to another facility. He sounded so, so good. He said he is doing good, he's fine, no problems and much to my surprise, he sounded "happy." He was happy, he is happy. Sigh. It seems like such an oxymoron to me....prison...happy. We talked for over 20 minutes. He loves us all, he thinks of us and hello to you all from Chad.

*O.R. nurse comes to get me. I walk with her to the O.R. I kissed him, I told him I loved him and I'll be waiting when he's done.

*5:45 in the waiting room. Phone is almost dead. Here comes "D's" brother and kids. Kinda nice to have somebody to talk too. He showed me the picture of "D"s finger that he sent to him thinking I had already seen it. NOT!!!! So pukingly gross!

*8:00 phone is completely dead. Surgeon comes to tell me what he did. The blade of the saw went all the way through his bone longitudely, from the tip of his finger all the way through the top and hit the knuckle on his hand. Bone graft, tendon & ligament repair, 2 pins and about 20 stitches on the outside (not counting those on the inside.) Thankfully it was a new blade on the saw and and a dull one. A dull one could have ripped his finger apart rather than the nice cut he got from the new blade. Icing on the cake is this day full of this traumatic event was also my loves birthday. :( NOT a happy birthday for "D" at all.

*8:45 in his room. Sick from anesthesia he was. Pin sticking out of his finger and his arm in a spongebob looking apparatus.

*7:00 am, 1-27, waking up. I shouldn't stay that since I never really slept and neither did "D" for that matter.

*9:00 am, visit from the surgeon. Discharged from the hospital and off to his work to make the accident report AND take a drug test. Uhhh just a little worrisome being that he underwent emergency surgery and of course has pain medication going through his system. Assured he will be ok.

*Off to get the drug test. Back to work to drop off the copy of the drug test request and proof it was done. And of course everybody wants to talk to him and see how he is which I so understand but hello people, I am tired, I am hungry...I have had nothing to eat since yesterday at lunch...I am running on NOTHING and it is not a pretty sight to see me without sleep or food so please let us go home so he and I can both get some rest AND FOOD in our bellies. I mean the two of us have only been up since 5:30 the morning before. Ya and of course it's all about me. I know that's what is sounds like but I was really thinking for both of us haha.

*Stopped at the store. Went STRAIGHT to the bakery for a good ol' fashioned donut. Reams are the BEST! I love the crunch as you bite into it. Yummmmmmy!

*On our way home. Dropped him off. SWALLOWED my donut. Off to get prescriptions filled. Man I am so tired. I just want to lay down.

*45 minutes later back home. Pills popped, in my jammies and on the couch. Yippy, so I thought. Lacey was having nothing to do with letting me relax. She wanted to play. No no no no no no. And how could I be mean to her? She hasn't seen us at all for many hours. How could I expect her to just let me lay down after all I've been doing. Headache kicks in.

*Try to take a nap. Not happening. Lord it's going to be another long night.

*Chad called again. Had a good 20 minute conversation, not so rushed this time. He was getting ready to go to the yard. Things are on the up & up for him which I still just can't grasp. Prison...happy. Hmmmm. BUT, I'm easing with less hurt I guess you could say. Maybe not. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

*Dinner cooked. Laundry in. "D" is fed. The night is settling and I will soon be to sleep.

*9:00 done for the night. It's time to finally, FINALLY go to bed. "D" is set up downstairs so Miss. Lacey doesn't jump all over him. Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.

*4:30 this morning, phone rings. It's "D" asking for some water. Oh how I feel so bad for him and damn I am still so tired. I can't wait for it to be Saturday morning so I can sleep in. Water taken, pills popped, bathroom run, and back on the couch he went.

*Back in bed for me. Alarm goes off 30 minutes later and I hit snooze for the next hour. It's going to be a long day.

CRAP, just my luck!

2011-01-26T12:17:00.004-07:00

Seven o'clock this morning I got a call from a 1-800 number. I get a ton of solicitation calls on my cell, EVEN after I have put my number on the "do not call list" so as usual, I hit the REEEEJECT button.

When I got to work I called the number back. It was to the company that sets up accounts for inmates and those of on the outside to receive collect calls on our cell phones since none of us have land lines anymore. A representative must have been trying to reach me from the company to get my account up and going. I went ahead and set up the account on the website but left my debit card at home so I couldn't put any money on it.

A couple hours later, another call from the same number but when I answered, it sounded like the connection didn't go through. I didn't call back because it's an automated system. I am so busy at work so I figured if they call back again, I will get it taken care.

Ring....Ring.....here it comes again, that same number. I answered it and the recording says "you have a collect call from".......CHAD!!!!!! Gasp! But I couldn't accept the call because I didn't have money yet on my stupid account that I set up online this morning to receive these calls. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!! It was the first time I have heard my brothers actual voice in over two months. It's the first time in two weeks for communication and I was NOT prepared and ON TOP of things and because of my slacking, I missed his call. Not just one call but all four of them....didn't answer the first two, the third one didn't connect and the fourth one, where I heard him say his name, couldn't be accepted because of the almighty $. Hopefully he heard me say on the other end of the line I would put money on the account for him to call me, I doubt it though. Did I say CRAP!!!

I scurried to call my dad. I asked him for his debit card information so if Chad called back, I would get the call. He hasn't written in two weeks and I KNOW he's been moved to general population so I have too do this. As usual my dad comes through and all I keep saying to myself is "call back.....ring.....Chad....call back....please call me back." My phone will NOT be out of my sight for sure now.

It will be just my luck that there is now money on the account to accept his call and he won't call again today. ~My head has just hit my desk with such disappoinment with myself and nausea in my gut.~

Pleeeeeeease Chad, please please please call me back.....today. Please!!!!!

Aren't they beautiful?

2011-01-24T12:48:00.006-07:00

Monday mornings are hardly my favorite! I hate having to detach myself from my warm, comfy pillows and blankets, away from the man I love and my sweet, but very heavy dog who somehow finds a way too wiggle her way through both of our bodies in the dead of night.

But THIS Monday morning was different than the rest because I got a call from my sissy at 7:02 a.m., which is 6:02 a.m. her time. It was strange to see her calling so early. Early morning communication is a rarity with the two of us, especially on a weekday morning. It has been a super, duper long time since I have had pillow talk with "M". Usually I would tell her I'd call her back so I could get on my way to work but not this time. Nope. I put all aside and lived with her in the moment, 450 miles away, laughing as if we were in the same room with each other. It was precious.

She and I both have dogs, however hers is a "rental" without having to pay, and my dog is actually mine. I say rental because the dog she has, Grrr is her name, actually belongs to her old neighbors. Because of the economy, they had to find another place to live and sadly weren't able to take Grrr with them....at the time. So my sister and brother-in-law volunteered to take Grrr until they could find another home where she would be able to stay. It's been 3 months and I am told it will be soon when Grrr will go back with her original owners. :( Oh how I'm glad I won't be there to witness that farewell. Terrible it will be.....just terrible!!

These dogs of ours are quite clever and VERY smart. They know just where they fit in the household. For instance, my Lacey has learned how to open the dish-towel drawer in the kitchen and pull one out, running off with it in her mouth. I was STUNNED when I realized what she had done. Lord help me. Before I know it she will be opening the front door and making a beeline for the streets. YIKES! My Lacey also knows how to twist off the caps to the plastic bottles that contain our water, soda-pop, and any other drink we carry around. She hides her raw-hide bone when she's tired of chewing it.....like she did in one of my plant's. I couldn't understand for the life of me WHY she kept messing with that plant. Little did I know she had planted her own plant, her bone, in my plant. I had NO idea until I re-potted the damn thing and found the end piece of her bone in the dirt. No wonder she kept digging in it.

If she sees that you are watching you her "hide her bone", she removes it and finds another safe place for it. REALLY Lacey? Like we are really going to gnaw on her soggy, dirty, gross bone the very minute you are tired of it. El wrongo!

It was an amusing conversation with my sissy. Great to laugh so early in the morning. She told me to check my email when I got to work. She sent me pictures of Grrr.

Look at those faces. Are these two girls beautiful or WHAT? Yes, Grrr sleeps with "M" and my brother-in-law as well, even under the covers. "M" informed me during our comical phone conversation that Grrr "spoons her". See what I mean when I say how terrible it will be to let her go? I mean look at the smile on that dogs face. I have never wanted to breed Lacey. I don't want to bother with it and I don't want to deal with squealing puppies once again. I might just have to face the music and do it so "M" can have a new puppy she can call her own. I don't know...that's a LOT of music to face. Maybe I'll just let her rent Lacey for a short, very short, period of time.

What an amazing way to start my work week. I hope the rest of the week goes as great as this morning did. Thanks "M". You are the best sister one could ever have and I'm proud and so honored to say you are my baby sister. I heart you like crazy and miss you tremendously!!!! I can't wait to laugh with you face to face.

I haven't heard from Chad now in 2 weeks. I was sure I would get a letter from him last week but I didn't. I'm thinking...more like reeling, that he has been put in general population. I so hope, if he has, he is ok and "adapting" to the situation. And I also hope he knows how very much he is loved by me and the rest of us, no matter the circumstances.

"B" is doing much better. I visited with him yesterday and the swelling and redness on the outside are gone. He is starting to eat solid foods and able to talk better. They haven't caught the guy who did this and "B" is leaving it in the hands of the detectives. He's a pretty amazing kid! It was so good having time with him, laughing with him, and being sister and brother. Kindred moments they are. I'm blessed!!

SNUFF

2011-01-21T08:02:00.026-07:00

It's Friday, the last day of the work week. The last day I will have to drive this way until next week. Listening to the radio as I always do came a song that Chad and I both love and one that explains just what my, Chad's and probably my siblings feelings were at different times while enduring the trenches of Chad's drug addiction and you guessed it, the tears began to flow.

It's a song by Slipknot titled Snuff and here's the lyrics. You can also listen to the actual song since it's in my play list at the very bottom of the page. Just click on the title.

~~~~~
Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins.

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.

So if you love me let me go

And run away before I know.

My heart is just to dark to care

I can't destroy what isn't there.

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate.

I don't deserve to have you

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

If I can change I hope I never know.

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss.

I couldn't face a life without your light

But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.

So save your breath, I will not care

I think I made it very clear.

You couldn't hate enough to love

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend

Then I could hurt you in the end.

I never claimed to be a saint

Ooh, my own was banished long ago

It took the death of hope to let you go.

So break yourself against my stones

And spit your pity in my soul.

You never needed any help

You sold me out to save yourself.

And I won't listen to your shame

You ran away, you're all the same.

Angels lie to keep control

Ooh, my love was punished long ago.

If you still care don't ever let me now

I can reflect back on many memories the words of this song bring to my mind. Memories of being so fed up that I didn't want to hear anymore of what Chad had to say. I didn't want to listen to his shame. At times I felt like he was punishing me when he used or relapsed for loving him so much because I would do anything to keep him clean, to save him. He and I, and "M" and him, had several one-on-one, heart to heart talks. There are things she knows about him, his pain, his anger that I don't know and vice verse. Sacred secrets buried in our skin. And on days when I want to hear his voice, I read his letters, some years old, and press them to my lips. When his body was soaked with heroin, his heart was dark and he didn't care. He ran rather than faced who he had become. Chad refused to fight! I did sell Chad out. I would call his probation officer at any hint of a relapse when he lived with me in 2008 after doing 2 years in the county jail for the robberies. But while I was selling him out, he out-witted me because he knew that I knew he was using again. He was always able to pull a fast one when he was called in to test. He would always pass.

I even wished MANY times he wasn't my friend...my brother. It would have been so much easier for me to hurt him if I didn't love him so damn much.

Until one can realize addiction is a disease, and it took me a LONG time too realize, it's easy too judge, too hate, too deny, too run and too ignore. I did them all. I thought Chad could just get over it. I felt like he was using it as an excuse, a crutch so he didn't have to do right, a reason for him to not be responsible or be accountable for his sins. I was wrong. VERY wrong.

On another note, my little brother "B" is very sore but hanging in there. I saw him Wednesday night after work. I got more of the story from him and after hearing what I heard, I believe he was set up.

When "B" told the girl not to come over, she said well we're going to anyways and they did. She came in with 2 of her girlfriends. "B" said he asked her why she came over and he had to go to bed and because so everybody was leaving. She said they wanted to come over and hang out for a while. There was another knock at the door. He answered it and it was 2 males that he had never seen or met. One of them, (the idiot who punched him) was the boyfriend to one of the girls that was there. When he walked in he introduced himself as "Snoop". "B" said he had told everybody nicely he needed them to leave. They kept telling him to relax and chill they wanted to hang out. "B" was getting irritated and becoming more insistent they leave. I guess when they finally gave in, they all walked to the door and that's when the "B" was hit and the guy ran out of his apartment yelling crip love.

"B" and I believe it was a set up because he has only known this twit (who by the way has a warrant herself) for a little over a month. She has come to his place a couple times hanging out with friends and he has been at his friends hanging out and she has been there. She had plenty of time to "case" "B's" place. She calls "B", asks to come over and when she's told no, she shows up anyways. Hint #1. And rather than all of them coming in together, the guys come about 5 minutes later, "B" was not expecting anybody else, let alone anybody that he didn't know to show up. Hint #2. When "B" kept telling them they had to leave, they were telling HIM to chill, to relax...they just wanted to hang out. Hint #3. That's why I think he was set up.

"B" doesn't have a lot but what he does have he has paid a lot of money for. Overtime, he has bought expensive household items and it would definitely not be easy for him to replace those items. I will be talking to my little brother about obtaining renter's insurance and I'll pay it to make sure he's covered!! There will be no debating that issue.

He is in pain and it took him over an hour to eat a bowl of c

cereal yesterday but he's part of our bloodline and with that comes strength. Just to prove his strength, he got up early this morning to take his care to get the emissions so he can get his registration. Honestly. As time heals his broken mouth, he's gonna come out shinin all over again.

Below is a picture of "B's" mouth. WARNING: it's gross.

So much for enough.

2011-01-19T11:53:00.004-07:00

God must really think our family can carry a LOT of weight on our shoulders. Things keep happening and we have no choice but to face it, in other words we're FORCED too, ugh!

I missed a call from my dad this morning while on my way to work. Not only did I miss his call but he left a message, which I didn't bother to listen too, instead I just called him back. Right away.....something was wrong and I knew it. His voice is a dead give away and for once it didn't involve Chad but did involve my youngest brother "B".

Dad says, "I'm over at "B's" house there was an incident here last night and he has been in the hospital all night." Yep....like I said, so much for enough and my bitch alarm has JUST GONE OFF!!!

This is the scoop:

"B" had a couple friends over last night at his place. He received a call from a girl whom he met a few weeks ago through other friends. She wanted to go to "B's" house but he told her no, he didn't want anybody else coming over. SHE SHOWED UP ANYWAY, with two male friends that my brother doesn't know. According to my dad, "B" kept telling them he wanted them to leave, he had to go to bed because he had to go to work. They wouldn't leave after he kept telling them.....really.....who does that?

I guess they finally gave in so one of the "punks" who was with this girl, walked up to my brother to give him a high five and instead of doing so, cold-cocked him right in the face.

By 10:30 in the evening, "B" was in the emergency room. Thankfully the friend who was at his house with him was smart, thoughtful and caring enough to ONE, make sure "B" got to the hospital and TWO, make sure our dad was notified.

Here are the results of this idiots fist....ONE PUNCH by the way:

*Surgery...had a bridge put in his mouth.

*Broken bones in his jaw area.

*Two (I think) teeth knocked out.

*SEVERAL stitches.

*Swollen lips about 10 times the size they should be.

There is extensive damage but they don't know how extensive yet and won't know until the swelling goes down. BUT it is extensive enough that the surgeon kind of thinks the punk had something in his hand such as brass knuckles or an object of some sort to create that type of damage with one hit. "B" doesn't know if he had anything or not...he wasn't expecting THIS!

The police were called and since "B" had her phone number, they are going to trace the cell number and hopefully be able to find her. She however, must be willing to cooperate and give his information so he can be found, arrested and charged with assault. This punk is apparently gang affiliated and has a street name as well. When you're labeled gang affiliated you have been in trouble with the law. So hopefully this piece of shit has outstanding warrants and is an easy catch.

Dad and "B" got back to his apartment around 5 this morning. Several hours later, I got another call from dad. He had taken "B" to back to the hospital because he's bleeding profusely and can't get it to stop.

Can I just say that yes my emotion level is extremely high right now and I would love to get a hold of this girl, who just SHOWED UP after being told no ANNNNND brought two guys to my brothers house he didn't know who ended up bashing my brother's face in, and "mop her ass up!!!!!!" As you can imagine, his 2 older sisters and older brother "T" are just a tad impossible to tame right now. All hell could potentially break loose. YOU DON'T MESS WITH OUR FAMILY and for most families, I think the same applies to them as well!!!

"B" is a really good kid who has his own apartment, his own car, works 2 jobs and just lives life as it goes day by day. He is the "cork" in our family, Chad gave him that nick-name. He is hysterical, comical, UNBELIEVABLY independent, and just an all around loving and FUN kid. Doesn't take much seriously just rolls with the punches. Ew...that's not a good analogy considering the latest....sorry "B". I will be visiting with him tonight and taking Friday off to watch him and take him to the surgeon's office.

Well Dear God, if you're listening. I know you have given me and the rest of my family really strong shoulders to carry situation's such as this (along with so much else). And while I can't speak for the others, I'm really kind of getting tired of the weight. I'm kind of tired of the emotional roller-coaster I've been on this week. Sometimes it's just unbearable and I'm kindly asking for a break some time in the really near future. So while I trust you will work on that for me as well as hit the "be nice" button on my bitch alarm, please help my brother get better, please put your hand on mine and everybody else's "STRONG" shoulders and keep us from dishing out too those that hurt our little man "B" what they so rightfully deserve :). ~Amen~

My own relapse!

2011-01-17T15:58:00.004-07:00

In my last post I mentioned that my heart is beginning to ease. No sooner did I say that and I myself, relapsed into a puddle of hurt feelings all over again. And it was happy news that triggered my hurt and even stirred up a little anger. Now mind you, I have yet to experience any feelings of anger at this point. I guess for all intensive purposes, my emotional roller-coaster has fired up.

I know you must be wondering "what was the happiest news" that got my pot boiling. I got a text last night while making dinner. It was from a friend of Chad's who he himself, has struggled with addiction. He and Chad were in the CATS program at the county jail and became REALLY good friends. They had so much in common besides their drug addictions. And while they were not supposed to be in contact with one another when they were released from jail, a stipulation of their probation, they broke that rule and did so anyways. It was a "good" friendship these two had and they both tried hard to support the other one through their road to sobriety.

Well his friend has had his own issues fighting sobriety after Chad went away and was consequently jailed. So in his text last night, he put my curiosity to rest and told me he was jailed until a spot opened at a local rehab here in the city. That spot opened and he was released.

Of course I was elated for him. I was happy to hear he was "being set up for SUCCESS", not failure, and he's happy. A word that is hard for an addict to admit..."happy". Support is imperative and easy IF you're willing. They can't do it alone and certainly can't do so without support, so I definitely want to be there for those facing this uphill battle. He promised he would keep me informed of his progress and I look forward to good news from him. Then suddenly, I crashed. My feelings started to whirl-wind. I again found myself smiling.... for him.... and crying inside for my brother.

WHY was my brother not given the chance at rehab? WHY did the system put him through the same program, TWICE, when it was obvious he needed SO MUCH MORE? WHY were we, his family, told when we called hospitals, rehabs and detox centers over the years they wouldn't take my brother because he had no insurance, no job, and wanted THOUSANDS of dollars to enter him into a program that might not even prevail to his benefit? Drug addicts for the most part don't have insurance or money because they don't have a job!! They can't hold a job!! And a drug addict certainly doesn't have thousands of dollars stuffed away for when they decide, if ever, that they want to enter rehab and get clean....once and for all.

Chad was put through the CATS program in the county jail as I said, twice. It's a 6 month program that teaches substance abusers life skills and I don't know what else. And when Chad's most recent relapse began to reak havoc, when he took the money from my checking account to get high, I called his p.o. in a panic and he PROMISED me he would get Chad help, he would put him through the CATS program again. Well sorry to inform you....but CATS was NOT enough for Chad. He didn't just need to be rehabilitated, he needed serious and intense counseling. He needed to receive extremely intense treatment for a raging drug addiction to a drug that is one of the hardest to overcome, heroin!

I'm not solely blaming the system for Chad's failure, I'm just simply asking why! I hear of so many people who are court-ordered to a treatment facility that is "inpatient" for their abuse, whether it's alcohol or drug or whatever the addiction may be. Naturally they have the option to walk out, and if they do, they may risk going to prison for doing so if it's because of drugs that got them there. But Chad was NEVER even given the opportunity. NEVER given the chance!!!

I can't say that had he be given those chances at an INTENSE rehab program or felony drug court (that seems to be very popular and successful) that he wouldn't have relapsed once again, but why was he never placed in these successful programs like so many others are to at least try? Please don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to hear the success stories of those who are able to overcome their addictions and live sober lives. Staying sober is a very difficult task to achieve, so it's ALWAYS good to hear the Cinderella stories. Addiction is the disease, sobriety is the fight, and it's a fight they must face everyday for the rest of their lives so when they succeed, they deserve a standing ovation like no other for making it through the hell this disease dishes out. I guess I'm just super envious and maybe even jealous of those families who are able to see their addicts recover and stay recovered. Sigh!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I found myself looking through my haven again, my bedroom window, asking myself over.... and over.... and over again....WHY? Why was his addiction not worthy of what others seems to be? What would it have taken to get him into an intensive treatment program? Would my brother have been able to overcome the need to live high and receive his standing ovation? All those words that begin with the letter "W", why, what, where, when, would that ask my questions. Questions I will never have the answer too and I'm struggling to understand.

Hand to Hand

2011-01-10T14:36:00.009-07:00

I am beginning to get frequent updates from my Chadly now. Phew!!! Seems as though I get a letter at least once a week and each one is just as heart stopping for me as the very first one. I still drop EVERYTHING to unseal the envelope and hear his voice speak the words he has written to me. My heart is easing!

It was a rather short letter. He is in the progress of writing a more detailed one, but wrote and sent this one as fast as he could just to say happy birthday. My brother remembered my birthday. I'm not saying this in a way to belittle his gesture at all and if he did forget it, I would have been completely okay with that. With all he has done, all he has put himself through and all he faces daily and will continue to do so for many more years of his life to come, he went out of his way to make sure me, his big sister, got a happy birthday wish from him. And on top of all that, my birthday is still a week away.

With his letter was his version of a "high five". It was his hand, outlined. My heart ached and smiled at the same time. I was holding my brother's hand right in the palm of my very own. I remember when he was in jail a few years back I had done the very same thing for him. I wanted him to know that anytime he needed a hand, mine was right there for him, whenever he needed it.

I put my hand inside his. My brother really is a caring and sensitive person. He is kind hearted, even if he's dying slowly inside. Yesterday, this day, and tomorrow, my brother Chad is as I know him, sober. A COMPLETELY different person than the one who's existence was fueled by heroin.

Am I selfish I ask, to be happy I get these letters. Is it totally selfish for me to be happy that I, still in a way, have my brother and "her name" family doesn't have her. Is it wrong for me to even be talking about him because of what he did? He still exists, she does not. He can write, he can talk, he can love, he can interact, he can still live...she cannot. And it was him, my brother, who took her soul away.

I know we are in for a very, very long road. I know it is not going to be easy. I know there will be days of what feels like an emotional roller-coaster for many of us. I know there will be days ahead of me where I will be so angry and torn because this should have NEVER happened, it didn't HAVE to happen this way.

Once again, I know what he has done and I'm facing it the very best I can, as I'm sure he is. And I know Chad and I will get through this....a world apart but together....hand to hand.

Needless to say.......

2011-01-04T11:22:00.009-07:00

I thought being off for two weeks over the holidays would be just what I needed to catch up on some "home projects" that I have repeatedly failed to do and keep my blog updated. Obviously neither happened, hence the three weeks it's been since I've blogged. Trust me, it's not because I have nothing pouring from my heart. In fact, there is so much bottled up inside me, sometimes there isn't enough paper to etch my feelings on. I just couldn't bring myself to do much of anything during my holiday break and I think rather than a "hinder", it was a "remedy" for my over exhausted self. There was no guilt sleeping in until after 9 some mornings and staying up way late in the evenings. I welcomed the change.

My oldest made it home for his winter break as they call it in college. Man is he handsome and growing so much. Not just in height but as a person in general. I wish my little one were here this year but as a typical divorce goes, I have to share. Next year he'll be here though and it's something I look forward too.

I got a BEAUTIFUL Christmas card from Chad. Can I just say when I saw the odd but very familiar and typical card shaped envelope I was stumped? I say odd shaped and stumped because I was hardly expecting to receive an actual Christmas card from my brother. At the very least, I thought if he found it in his heart to send anything in regards to a holiday that he pretty much despises, it would be a picture of something he drew or a home-made card. I was surprised to see otherwise and I hold it so close to my heart. It is a very special card for me and one to be cherished for a lifetime!

Christmas Eve held the traditional festivities at dad's house. He and his wife always have the family from both sides over. Home-made chicken noodle soup in bread bowls is the menu for the evening with LOTS of dishes and trays full of chips, dips, and sweet stuff. I learned how to play a new card game with the girls called Blitz and I loved it. It was something new for me to do with the other girls in the family, dad's wife's side of the family that is. You see, the relationship with us kids and dad's wife has been nothing to rave about in any sense of the word. Yes they have been married now for 9 years but it wasn't an easy transition for ANY of us, including her. It's been a rocky and difficult road to travel and one that had something to do with Chad's destruction. But, as time has gone and experience has slapped me here and there, I have learned it is what it is and for me, for myself, for my heart and my peace of mind, I need to make every situation the very best it can possibly be and be happy with it. Life is way to short, to fragile and changes drastically in the blink of an eye to take ANYTHING for granted. What was there today, may very well not be there tomorrow.

So I opened myself up and played the fun game of cards and laughed myself silly along with the others in the family. Grand kids were running around, sometimes 15 different conversations took place amongst us all and the guys watched football. It was good to laugh, to hug, to smile and BE A FAMILY. Yes there was hollowness in my heart wishing Chad was there with us. I find myself internally whispering that I shouldn't be at these family gatherings because of the guilt I carry for him but on the other hand I know he would want me to be there for both of us.

Christmas morning we all slept in. It tears me to a point realizing I no longer have "little" boys waking me up at the crack of dawn with big eyes and ear to ear smiles with unexplainable excitement to see what Santa Clause delivered to their sweet souls. I guess I should be grateful for the additional sleep I get at this time in my life. One day I will be a "Nana" and it will start all over for me with my grand babies. Of course those are days I can wait for but when they do come there will be no such thing as cloud 9. Can you say cloud 12, or 13 and on and on.

When we finally decided it was time to meet the day, we opened our presents. Everybody was happy with what the old, round man in the red suit brought us. Even Lacey, the dog, got presents. Bones, bones and bones. She acted like a kid in a candy store. We visited more family throughout the day and evening as we usually do. It was good to see everybody and talk to those not so close to us geographically.

Love is important and while I have always tried to let everybody in my family know how much I love them and how much each and everyone of them mean to me, I tried even harder this holiday season and will carry on doing so. I hugged tighter, I smiled bigger, and I enjoyed more! A bitter lesson that 2010 handed me. If there is such a thing as loving too much or loving too hard, I'm guilty in the third degree and will gladly face my own sentence for this conviction.

I have yet to receive notice that I have been cleared to visit Chad. I'm waiting patiently as I tap my fingers on any surface they touch. He wrote me after he sent his card and he is doing well. He should be moved into population this month...eek. I'm a little nervous about that but again, I have to believe when Chad says he is okay, he really is. Otherwise I'm going to drive myself insane thinking about all the "what ifs". Realizing I can no longer be there to help him is quite daunting and not an easy pill to swallow. He is doing a lot of reading to pass the time and asks for me to tell you all hello.

Going back to work wasn't exciting nor a simple task, however, while I will miss the morning show, Good Things Utah I became so fond of, I know whole heartily staying home is not an option for me. Two weeks was wonderful but was also enough. It's apparent I get more done out of my home than I do in it. So the list of "home projects" continues too idle for now. Yes I will get my bedroom painted, yes I will get my laundry room organized and yes I will get my storage room cleaned out. And while I have not yet been able to bring myself to packing Chad's belongings and securing them in a safe place, I will also do that...one day...in due time.

When I walked outside this morning to warm my car up, tiny pieces of ice flakes were fluttering in the freezing, dark air. The kind that glisten.....twinkle....as they gracefully fall from above. "Her name" instantly came to mind. There she was, with all the other spirits, casting her sweetness on the new day as it was ready to open. I hope and pray her family were well for the holidays and the new year too come will give them happiness and peace, as I also wish for my family.

Paper chess.

2010-12-15T12:31:00.006-07:00

Got another letter from Chad yesterday. It wasn't long but I got out of it what I always want to know and that is....he's fine. He doesn't write often because he is "adjusting". He was moved from one unit to another but is still in R&O which means 23 hour lock down but now he has a window to look out. I know he is getting closer to being released into general population so I wonder if that's why he was moved.

He and his celly have a lot in common and play a lot of chess during the day. They made their pieces out of toilet paper. Wow....creative and I'm sure he will become much more creative as time goes on. I have never been fond of chess, I have to use my brain waaaaay too much for that game. Give me some checkers, go fish or Yahtzee and I'm down but I'm not about intense strategy so chess is out!

With his letter he sent me a bird he made...origami style. I LOVE IT!! I of course felt it too see if it was also made of toilet paper. It' wasn't. When you pull the back part of it, the wings flap. I will post a picture later. There is a joke behind it of course. For years now, I have always sang a portion of The Carpenters song "Close to You" around my brothers and sister. It drives them ALL crazy because once they hear it, it's stuck in their brain along with little birds fluttering around and that's all they hear for a day or two. ;) I have left them voice mails of me singing the lyrics, texted them the lyrics, snuck up on them while they're sleeping and sang it to them....ANY way I could find to get to them, I do. So Chad sent me my origami bird with part of the lyrics to that lovely song which by the way, I can't hit a note on to save mine or anybody else's life if it depended on it!! So a word of advice, don't count on me to sing if your in dire need, you won't make it and I will yet have another package of guilt lying upon my heart.

He went to court on December 9th in West Jordan. I guess that was because of violating his probation on the charges he had in that jurisdiction. He didn't say anything more than they moved it to another date in January. Weird.

That was about the jist of his letter. He had chess to win so he had to go. I know this time of year is the pits for Chad but I would give anything to have him home for Christmas. It's almost time for my Christmas baking I do every year. Cookies, candy, fudge....this year I'm adding cupcakes, and I know my brother would be right over my shoulder trying to sneak bites of the sweet stuff my kitchen has to offer.

I have thought much of "her name" family. I'm hoping their hearts are healing and they are finding happiness in this time of year. I hope "her name" is looking down on them, comforting them with her angel wings as they go about their daily lives. I pray if they are suffering, God will lead them through his grace and give them the strength and will to continue on for "her name" sake. Oh how I hope they are all ok at least and I hope they all have a very Merry Christmas and a much happier and better new year!

So until my next post....here's my little jingle that cause's a stir of craziness in the siblings. Enjoy!!!

Why do birds suddenly appear?

Every time...you are near?

Just like me, they long to be

close to you.

Please write dad a letter Chad!

2010-12-14T10:44:00.004-07:00

Still no mail for my dad from Chad. It's been three weeks since the last one and it's causing my dad major stress and concern. I haven't gotten another one either but my sister "M" did last week. Chad said he's doing good. He's met some interesting people and some not so interesting people. He was moved into another cell but is still in the R&O unit. Still locked up for 23 hours a day but he's getting used to it. He said it's not as bad as it was in jail since he has a celly to talk with. "M" said he sounded like he's doing good.

Dad called me yesterday morning and you could hear the distress in his voice. It breaks my heart hearing my dad hurt the way his voice gives away but he will NEVER admit it out loud. He's hanging by a thread and that's the best way I can put it. Dad asked me if I would make a call to the prison and see if I could talk to Chad's case worker just to make sure he's okay. I didn't think it would be possible but turns out you can talk with their case worker and that's just what I did.

Good news to deliver to my dad. Chad is fine!!!! His case worker said he doesn't seem to be under any stress, he isn't having any problems with anybody and reminded me they have medical and mental care 24/7 there for the inmates. I explained that we went to the orientation and learned so much that night but my dad is struggling with this and he just wants to know his son is okay. Chad's case-worker will tell him I called on behalf of our dad and ask him to write a letter to our dad.

I relayed the information to my dad and it seemed to relieve some of the uncertainty he's feeling with the "not knowing." I really don't know why Chad isn't writing as much as he has in the past. It's like I said to my dad, maybe he doesn't have much to say, maybe he is trying to come to terms with this, maybe he is trying to find himself and realizing how the drugs have unraveled his life...I don't know!! But we have to be patient and believe that when Chad says he is fine, he really is. That, besides my little white pill, is the only thing that is getting me through right now...simply banking on his words when he says he will be alright.

F.O.- Family Orientation.

2010-12-08T12:23:00.003-07:00

It's been a very long time since I have gone through any type of "orientation". I've been at my current place of employment for almost 7 years, I haven't been pregnant in over 15 years and I haven't enrolled in educational programs so there hasn't been a need. Yep, my life has been pretty uneventful up until the last few months but my years of not participating in an orientation ended last night.

I got a letter in the mail about a week and a half ago, on behalf of Chad, inviting me and other family members and friends with valid ID and no outstanding warrants to attend a family orientation the prison conducts the first Tuesday of every month. Dad and I felt it was important to go so we did.

The meeting wasn't held at the prison itself but rather across the freeway on the mountain across from the prison. In the building there were pictures of the prison, inside and out. I started at the picture of the cells reading the footnote explaining the context of the picture. Inmates are housed in a 12x8 cell, two inmates that is. The cell has a 2 bed bunk, a toilet, TV outlet and a 5 inch window. God I can't imagine or believe my brother's life, by his choice somewhat, has resorted to a 12x8 space for a 15 to life sentence. I cannot for the life of me wrap myself around the thought that anybody gets used to living like that. TWELVE BY EIGHT.........12x8!!!!! Sounds like the epitome of hell to me.

I had NO idea there would be so many people there. I was surprised quite frankly. We all ranged in age, some of us quite young to middle aged to the elderly. Parents, siblings, friends...you name it, and we were all there on behalf of a loved one who has just entered the Utah State Prison for one reason or another. I couldn't help but ask myself as I looked around in this room filled with people if they were going through the same hell I and my family were. What exactly have they gone through with their loved one? How many nights have they been awake fearing the worst? How many of them risked everything they had and lost it all helping their loved one who has now become an inmate in the prison system. You start wondering what their inmate is in for. Is it their first time? Are they as scared as I am at times? All of us are a relative of a person who did something bad enough or enough times that jail was no longer an option so prison bound they were.

The meeting went over general information about commissary, visitation, mail, medical, education and religion, IPP (Inmate Placement Program) and the Board of Parole & Pardons. There was a representative from each of those departments there to give us information regarding their particular area and answer questions any of us might have had. WOW...what a run down! Visitation is a MAJOR puzzle of confusion. The officer was a woman, gorgeous by the way, who presented the rules of visitation that even confuse her and she has been doing this for YEARS. Hard ass in an understatement in regards to her. She was VERY informative, very nice but hard as nails as I'm sure she needs to be in her line of work. A tall but slender lady she was but those are the one's you should worry about. After all, dynamite comes in small packages and she portrayed herself with a "put's up with no shit" mentality. I guess you would have too after seeing the things she does and has in her career and the loops a person will jump through to make it into the prison. I wonder if getting into Fort Knox is this entailed.

My dad and I were blown away over the amount of information provided and the answers to questions that were asked not to mention learning a whole new vocabulary or set of terms that are referred too in the system.

While each individual and their area in the prison was interesting, the one who relieved me the most was the chaplain. He discussed the educational, work and religious opportunities offered to each inmate. But what caught my attention the most and eased my heart was when he said "don't look at this as the end but rather a 2nd chance." Of course nobody says "hey let's go hang out at the prison for a day, that sounds fun" he went onto say. He reiterated that this time in the inmates life is a time for them put the pieces back together IF they want too and get involved in programs whether it's spiritual, educational or work, that can help them become better people so they when they leave, they don't return. Again it is all in the hands of the inmate when they get out of R&O and what is offered to them in their areas of general population whether or not they want give themselves that "2nd chance" to do on the inside what they couldn't on the outside.

The rules are STRICT and rigid but necessary to secure the safety of everybody involved. Some seemed a little out there and others made sense but I understood and understand why they are the way they are. After all, we are dealing with a population of thousands of people that have indulged themselves in the game of crime that finally caught up with them. Some might be high crime, others petty crime, some are violent, others are not, but when it comes down to it, it's all the same and it landed them in the big house. The only difference is the length of time an inmate will do for their criminal activity.

In regards to parole, a first degree felony offender, as in Chad, normally doesn't see the board for a minimum of 3 years however, because there are so many offenders, they are trying to now spread that out to 7 years. It will be at that first parole hearing if Chad is denied, that the board will decide the next time he will face them. It could be 6 months, a year or twenty years. Once you enter the prison system, your life is now in the hands of the board. THEY decide your fate and when you will be "walking to the gate". That's one of the new terms I learned last night and means when you walk out of prison and into freedom.

I'm glad I went and I'm glad my dad went with me. We have to stick together and do as much as we can in this particular situation as a family. It's the only way we might get through this. It was pitch black outside when we left. The meeting was almost 2 hours. As I said earlier, the building was up on the mountain so as we were walking to my car I could see the whole valley. A valley with thousands of moving cars, millions of flashing lights, and life in general going on with a well lit, razor fenced community of buildings housing a population of criminals right in the middle of it all. Life continues to go on right around these barriers and somewhere in one of those many buildings is my brother. My brother who I miss so much and love with every bit of my soul.

These people mean EVERYTHING to me!!

2010-12-06T12:11:00.010-07:00

Our hearts our broken into a million little pieces but I think we might make it. One second, one minute, one hour, ONE breath.....one day at at time.

I GOT MAIL!!!

2010-12-03T09:24:00.006-07:00

I FINALLY got a letter from Chad last night. I was SO excited to open it that bringing anything in the house from my car, ie; coffee cup, dishes, purse or anything else meant very little in my moment of happiness. All I wanted to do was rip the sticky seal and read my brothers words. We have all been on edge not hearing from him, especially my dad, so this would be good news to deliver to him, that a letter has arrived.

I could tell a form was in the envelope. I knew it would the form I would need to fill out to begin the process of a background check to approve my visitations. The envelope wasn't thick so I was kind of wondering if the form was all he sent and nothing else and thinking how disappointed I would be if that was it. But it wasn't. Inside the form was a letter from my Chadly. He is doing very well. In reading the letter, I was actually able to hear his voice saying the words to me. He is still in lock down 23 hours a day but he's not secluded like he was in jail. He is able to talk to people and it's helps make the time go by fast. The food is "ten times better and all around the situation is much easier to handle than being secluded."

He was the only one who was able to order this week so I'm guessing that's why it took some time for him to write. He's being treated good and told me not to worry, he's gonna be alright!!!!!! He asked about Thanksgiving. They all had a standard but good Thanksgiving dinner at the prison with a pumpkin pie thing that he described as "the bomb." He also was able to eat a PB&J sandwich and LOVED it. LOL.

He wants me to tell you all hello , he is well and he is working on writing everyone. He said thanks to all who have written and put money on his books. The letters help tremendously.

I feel like 10 pounds was lifted off my shoulders after reading his letter. I know my brother loves me with all of his heart. He reminded me to smile because it makes everything better. Oh how I miss him terribly.

It's funny how we go through life doing our normal routines and getting so caught up in the day and it's offerings that we forget how much we really take for granted. The small things like a PB&J that is really nothing big to any of us that can go right to our kitchens and make, but for my brother and the population he's with, it's a privilege to have something so little taste SO GOOD! Another example are the hugs Chad would give me. Chad didn't need a reason to hug anybody, he did it just because he wanted too. I knew in my mind and heart every time he hugged me that it would possibly be the last hug I would get from him. The last squeeeeeeze me so tight hug that I'd feel my back pop. Chad is quite a bit taller than me so I'd have to stand on my toes and hold my head back or else he'd smother me in his chest and I couldn't breathe, LOL. So when I got a hug, I tried to hug him back just as hard knowing that might just be the very last time I'd feel his arms wrapped around me.

Me and Chad, April 2010

I remember the last hug I got from him and I don't know when I will get another one. There is a matrix chart the prison goes by to determine the security level, privileges and type and number of visitations you get. It's done by the alphabet and I believe you have to get to the letter "R" or "S" before you can have contact visits. So sadly, it will be a very long time, if ever, that I get to hug my brother.

So realize that while it's in our daily routines to do what we do and we don't mean to take the little things for granted like a PB&J or a hug from somebody, be happy and grateful FOR those little things and cherish them because you just never know when you won't have them again.

Property pick-up & you've got "NO" mail!

2010-12-01T19:33:00.008-07:00

I got a call Monday morning from a Deputy at the Davis county jail. He said Chad had listed me as the person to pick his property up and I could do so Monday through Friday from 10 to 3 in the afternoon. I kept meaning to contact the jail and find out how to go about doing this but as I explained before, I'm forgetting a lot of things and this is one of them. Thank goodness Chad took care of it before he was transported.

So today was the day I once again took a ride to the jail. I do a lot of thinking in my car just like I do in my bed. Yes cars are whizzing by, the heater's going and I've got the music up but it's my time to JUST THINK!!! I always try to put music in that Chad and I both loved when I'm alone in my car. Some of it makes me sad because so many of the songs are in relation to an overdose or somebody dying of their drug abuse. Just because you overdose doesn't mean you always die. Chad has overdosed several times. So many of the songs are that of a person who struggles or suffers and just can't find their way in this world just as Chad couldn't. Chad was able to relate to so much of this music as if those lyrics were written just for him.

I feel closer to him through the music and sometimes I will just belt out a lyric of the song because that's what used to make him laugh. Ya, I'm nut, I know. But I also love to do off the wall things like that just to make somebody laugh.

The property pick-up was just across the way from the court, the place I last I saw my brother. As I was walking towards building, I looked over at the court and saw in my mind the media van that was parked right outside those doors with one reporter and the camera man waiting to interview whomever they could the day Chad was sentenced. I saw the memory of my family coming out of those doors broken and dismantled. I thought that would be the last day I would be at this building but turns out maybe today is.

There always seems to be SOMEBODY around when I am doing these types of things. Like picking up property or making a visit or putting money on Chad's books. You always have to announce his name and your relation to him so I always wonder if those people around me remember who he is and what he's done and if so, what are they thinking. Are they afraid of me? Are they judging me? Are they whispering to anybody they are with "hey that's that guys sister that was all over the news. Remember the one who was involved in that homicide?" Homicide probably isn't the word they would use but I can't bring myself to say the "M" or "K" word. I KNOW what Chad did and I am facing it the best I can but those words are entirely to harsh for me to roll off my tongue. No you don't have to be afraid of me, I don't care what you're judgment might be and the answer is "Yes, I AM Chad's sister and yes he did do it."

I sat down waiting for Chad's property to come. My dad called me. He seemed in good spirits and wanted to know if I have received a letter from Chad. Unfortunately I haven't. The last letter I got from Chad was the one he wrote me the night he was sentenced. Dad got one letter from Chad that came from the prison but that's it. It's been a week since dad got that letter and naturally he's beginning to worry as am I.

His letter to dad said he was doing well. The food is a LOT better and he's happy about that. He was transported to the prison Friday, November 19th, 2010, the day after sentencing. I was shocked how fast he was transferred. I thought it would be a day or two, maybe even a week but it wasn't. It was the very next morning. He was transported with Wanda Barzee. Because she is doing federal time for her part in the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping, she was held at the Davis county jail because it's a federal holding jail. Chad said they had to drop her off at the federal courthouse and the media was EVERYWHERE. From there he was taken to Bluffdale where the prison is. He got there that morning and did not get into his cell until 10:00 that night. He had to go through administration, see a dentist and a doctor so it was an all day process. He said it's not where he wants to be but knows it for the best. UGH!!!! He also said he is thinking of us all and loves us and to make sure everybody knows he's doing fine.

An officer came out with a plastic bag of Chad's stuff. He asked for my I.D. and gave me what was in the bag. All I got were the letters that have been sent to him from all of us while he was in jail. "What about his wallet and his clothes?" Geezus, really Mindy, you're asking for his clothes??? He said Chad wore the clothes he had when he was transported to prison and there wasn't a wallet. He double checked and came back out and said the only things that were inventoried the morning he arrived were the clothes he had on and a set of earrings, no wallet. So I wonder if the Bountiful Police Department, which is where they took Chad for questioning the morning of his arrest, has it and it's in an evidence bag. Another call to make IF I can remember to do it.

On my way home from work I got a call from my sister "M". I wish I could squeeze her street and my street together. Right now, everything that separates our roads from crossing means nothing. I would give anything to have her that close to me right now or vice verse. She is struggling. She sobbed to me and of course my tears began to fall. I wish I could have just held her in my arms and rocked her to betterness. Is that even a word? She's alone with nobody to talk too. Yes she has her children..amazing they are, yes she has her husband and yes she has her mother-in-law, but this situation is so massive in pain and none of them besides the kids have a direct relation to Chad so feeling what she does or what we as a family do is impossible. And while the kids are a blood line of Chad and "M" has been very open with the 2 oldest, it is still difficult for them to comprehend the impact and tragedy this really is for their mom.

I love you sissy!!!!

So I talked to her for a few minutes and tried to calm her down. The only way I knew how to do so was just tell her that Chad doesn't want any of us to STOP living because of him. He wants us to keep going, he wants us to be happy. He wants us to be everything he couldn't be. And the most important thing I could tell her is how much I LOVE HER. She is the only sissy I have and I cannot lose her!!! Somehow, even with 450 miles of separation, she and I have got to get through this just as much as my family that is within a 25 mile radius here has too. I can't say that any of us will be okay. I can't say any of us will return to the way we used to be. The pain we have carried everyday for the last 10 years watching Chad suffer as a drug addict and what it ultimately succumbed him too eats at us and there is just no way to tell if we will recover from it. Yes time may heal our hearts but the sting is always present, at least it is for me.

I got home from work and went to the mailbox. Still no letter from Chad. It's disheartening and worrisome. As much as I would like too it's not like I can pick up the phone and call the prison and ask if he's ok. He's an adult and he's in a correctional facility housing thousands of men. It's not like jail. Maybe he doesn't know he has money on his books yet to order envelopes and paper. There are usually only certain days you can order commissary and maybe it takes a while for them to get what they've ordered. Not to mention the prison reads their mail. I'm not sure if they ready every piece of outgoing mail. I'm sure they do if there is probable cause but if they do have to read it, that's a LOT of mail to read and process so maybe it's just taking longer than we are used too. And maybe Chad simply hasn't written anybody yet. He could be tied up with other things going on out there, getting used to the system, maybe trying to come to terms with his reality. I don't know why none of us have received anything but there isn't anything I can do about it either. I just keep writing him in hopes for a letter one of these days.

Dazing through my bedroom window with the starlight, moonlight & sunlight

2010-11-30T17:13:00.009-07:00

The window in my bedroom has been somewhat of a haven for me these days and nights. It's a big window and sits on my East wall right in the middle of the room. When I get in bed, I always start off laying on my left side which faces the window, cuddled up in the quilt my mom made me. That's when I seem to have the most peaceful time to think before I fall asleep. I lye there looking at the star and moonlight reflecting off the snow that seems to bounce enough light off my blinds to see outside. It's been so comforting and safe for me and my thoughts; very peaceful. I just lay there and think, pray, wonder and daze off into the light.

So many things go through my mind. I wonder if Chad is sleeping and if not, what is he doing. Is he okay? I wonder if I will get a letter from him tomorrow. I hope and pray to God that I will not find myself down this road with my own children and addiction. I fear that more than ANYTHING right now and it's a REAL fear that truly scares the breath out of me. All it will take is ONE person, ONE event, ONE time to come into their lives and completely destroy and take away all I as their mother have worked for and busted my ass to do and rob me and them of the life I have sometimes bled, sweat, cried and struggled to give them. Just ONE!!
I think about the afternoon Chad was sentenced. The words "15 years to life" are etched in me like an epiphany on a headstone. An eery feeling comes across me when I hear those words in my mind when it's so quite. It's when I really think what the true meaning of that phrase is. When I think of the "15", I associate it with not being so long and he'll be back before I know it but then when I hear the words "to life", it's almost like my heart stops beating for a minute, I get a cold feeling and I'm quickly reminded of the reality that life will more than likely be the actual time frame Chad will do if he holds on and makes it. LIFE! That's a really long time and I might not be alive if ever gets the chance to walk out of prison. So needless to say, I'm not coming to terms with the "life" part of it very well at all. Not yet anyway.
I hope and wonder about "her name" and her family. Hoping they are doing as well as they can and hoping her dad was able to read my letter. I include them in my prayers and hope nothing but the best for them. I ask God to bless each and every one of them with what they need and that he is healing their hearts as much as they can be.
I ask myself over and over what will my next entry be about? Is this blog even making sense? Is it helping me get through the hard times and face what my brother has become? Is it helping me forgive myself and not hold the tremendous guilt I do for his demise. There is 10 years of addiction and a lifetime before that of issues leading up to his addiction. That's a lot too remember, but if anybody can, I guess it would be me. For hell sake I remember things that happened when I was a little, little girl that people can't believe I'm able to remember because they don't until I remind them of it.
There's only a portion of my life I don't remember much about and that's when I was married to my first ex-husband (there are two). I was beat and abused for 6 years, the length of my marriage, and because of the abuse I suffered, I'm not able to remember most of the time I lived in Vegas which was 9 years. I guess it's a good thing I don't remember much of that time. It's a blank, a blur, and it takes a deep conversation with somebody or with my family for me to start remembering a certain memory they are trying to remind me of. I figure God doesn't want me to dwell on it because of how terrible it really was. I made it out alive and that's what I asked for so there is no need to worry myself and continue to think of that ugly time. Plus, I've been able to forgive my ex-husband for what he did to me and I am SO much stronger than I have ever been in my life. Even stronger than my ex-husband.
I would NEVER wish anybody to experience domestic violence in any way. I was lucky to get out alive but in a sick kind of way I'm thankful for what I went through because I know I will NEVER let that happen to me again and it made me unbelievably strong and a survivor!!!!
There are mornings I open my eyes and see the sunlight through my window. These are usually the weekend mornings because it's still dark when I get up during the week. Chad and his "time" are the first thing on my mind. Some days it still doesn't feel real and I'm in total disarray. On mornings like that, I just lay in my bed absorbing what I can. Staring at the walls just thinking and thinking and thinking. Some mornings take longer than others for me to get out of bed and some days open with a tear drop or two but I know I can't let this stop me from living. Chad wouldn't want this for me so I end up forcing myself up to begin the day. I'm not going to lie, it's hard, it's EXTREMELY hard but I have to do it.

A letter to you all.

2010-11-29T12:04:00.013-07:00

I wasn't sure if we, Chad's family, would be able to say anything to the court, her family or Chad. But just in case, this is what I wrote the morning of his hearing and what I would have said if I was given the chance to do so.
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It has taken me quite some time to write this letter. It has not been an easy task by any means and one I never thought I'd find myself doing. I can't tell you how many times I have gone back and read it, taking things out, putting them back in, fearing I might say the wrong thing or hurt somebody's feelings which is my very last intention. We have all been beyond hurt through this ordeal, if the word "hurt" is even appropriate. Shattered, derailed and empty all better describe my heart and feelings in the most horrible tragedy I have ever had to face in my lifetime.

There are many here that don't know Chad other than what you have heard in the media. Most of you know nothing about him before his addiction to drugs. Drugs have ruined Chad's life ten fold and it has been a complete blow to our family of the events that have taken place. If you knew Chad and the person he really is or was prior to his drug use, you would all know exactly what I'm talking about and understand why we are so blind sided by this. Nowhere ever was this in his character. Not one of his friends or family members EVER believed it would come to this. Not in a million years did I ever think my brother was capable of this. Not a single person that knows Chad and our family would ever tell you they say this coming or that he did it. Not even in a million years did anybody ever believe Chad would become a drug addict. I never thought this would be our life, that this would happen to us but it is, it has and it is something we will all have to face and live with.

I would first like to address the "their last name" family. I am SO sorry for your loss. There isn't a SINGLE thing I can say to any of you that will even make the tiniest difference in regards to your loss or about my brother Chad, nor do I expect it too. But I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. No this wasn't my crime, no I did not do this, but Chad is my brother and while I along with other family members have battled uphill Chad's addiction with him, I feel it is my responsibility to apologize to you. Please know there hasn't been a day that has passed that "her name" or any of you weren't thought of by me. Please know that there have been so many times I along with my dad have wanted to reach out to you but refused to do so through the media and we were told not to comment because the investigation was ongoing. I hope you don't feel that we are a cold hearted family with no console for any of you and your loss because that is simply just not the case by any means. you have not been forgotten and neither has "her name".

Both of our families have been shattered beyond repair because of a drug addiction. There are two fathers in this room, "her name"'s dad and Chad's dad who have both lost a child. I don't know what happened that morning, afternoon, or evening that "her name" passed but the fact is, she lost her life at the hands of my brother. I, nor my dad even knew Chad had reconnected with "her name" before her death until October 4th when we were both called into AP&P and notified of what had happened.

I did not know "her name" but I know that when Chad lived with her a couple of years back, she knew he was an addict and tried to help. It wasn't her problem and one Chad should have never put her in, but she tried to help him. Something all of us have tried to do to no avail. I am forever grateful for "her name" kind heart to Chad but forever devastated that it cost her her life. I hope and pray for healing to you all and hope that maybe one day you will find it in your hearts to forgive only for the fact that forgiving aids in moving forward in your lives. But if you aren't able too forgive, which is probably a lot for me to ask, I completely understand and hold no blame to any of you for not being able too.

My dad lost his son as well. No it is not the way Mr. "his last name" lost "her name" but it is still a loss. He lost Chad to a rampant heroin addiction that caused him to do the unthinkable and because of that, he will now be gone for a very long time. Please know that my dad, the sweetest man in the world to me, tirelessly tried with as much as he had to save Chad and help him and he is sick, devastated and heartbroken over your loss, his loss and the actions of his son, Chad.

I hope you will continuously reflect and remember the wonderful person "her name" was and know that while it's not enough, there are holes in the floor of heaven and I'm sure she is looking down on all of you, protecting and loving you all. I know you would much rather have "her name" here and I wish I could change what has happened and give that to you. I wish it were me instead of "her name". Only so the pain would stay within my family and somebody whose problem this was not, as in "her name" case, would not have lost her life and another family wouldn't be broken and suffering a pain that nobody can take away. God bless you all in your lives from this day forward.

To my brother Chad. I am so sorry to you as well. You have a very long and difficult road ahead of you. I am sorry these drugs have done what they have to you. I am so sorry that this disease took your life and you felt there was nothing you could do no matter how hard you tried. You did try harder than you ever have in the past this last time you came home and I am very proud of you for making the effort you made. But I am also saddened for you. I am saddened that you haven't felt for years you were worth enough to live a life as the rest of us do. I know you haven't been happy for a very long time and while there are many reasons for that, some I'm sure of, others maybe I don't know, I wish they would have been dealt with in another manner instead of getting high to numb you from your hurt.

I hope you know Chad that I love you with every breath I take. You are my brother and you have made some monumental, senseless and life changing mistakes, but I still love you like I always have. I hope and pray that as you face your punishment, as you should, you will find the help you desperately need. I hope you will be honest, strong and true to yourself. I hope that one day you will realize whole heartedly what you meant to me and the rest of your family. I hope that you will also forgive yourself. Yes this is something you will live with every second of every day for the rest of your life. But I hope if you are allowed, you will find the courage to teach others what addiction leads too and it isn't a life one wants to be caught in.

I have told you on numerous occasions that you had two choices when you relapsed. Prison or death. I believe a part of you died many years ago. The last time I saw you at the gas station you were a lifeless shell. Knowing you had so many friends that died from this very disease and seeing their obituaries in the paper, I prepared myself over and over again for that dreadful phone call that you had passed and I often wondered what picture we would use of you in yours. What would we say about you? It's a terrible, terrible feeling to have in your gut knowing this is the road a loved one is going down.

But instead, you will go to prison. You will face punishment and are taking responsibility for your actions. So be that as it may, I beg of you to dig deep within your soul and get help. Don't be afraid to face what eats you up inside. We all fear the unknown but you can do this and I hope that you will, for your own sake.

Your addiction just wasn't yours, it became all of ours and I tried to do all I could as well to help you and I carry an extreme amount of guilt for it turning out the way it did. I know I shouldn't and you have told me not too, but I do and it is something I will try and work through. I know I must remain strong and carry on. I know it's what you want me to do and I know I have my boys, sister, 2 other brothers and dad to take care of and be strong for, something else you want me to do.

As I bring this to close I will say again, I am sorry. SO sorry for every single one of us here today and for those that are not, for the loss of life and role Chad's addiction has played in our lives. I have been tremendously sickened over this and some days I am not sure how I will get through the day. But I will because somehow, while our hearts remain heavy, we continue to go on the best we can. While none of us will ever forget the reason we are here today, I hope "her name" family will keep her kindness alive and focus on all the good she was as I will remember the amazing person Chad was before his addiction took his life over.

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Because I wasn't in the victim's family, I was not able to read this in court. But after all was said and done and we were outside by our vehicles, "her name" best friend approached us. I gave this letter to her and asked if she would give it to "her name" dad and make sure the media didn't get a hold of it. I hope he got it and hope he was ok if he read it. It's been 11 days since Chad was sentenced and I still think of them all daily. All I can do is pray they are holding on the best they know how and finding her twinkle in the sky at night.

Thanksgiving and a little black Friday shopping.

2010-11-26T18:51:00.012-07:00

Once again Thanksgiving came. Time for family and friends to come together for a FEAST of food and some good football. Both of my boys were home with their mama this year and that is enough for me to be thankful for. Thanksgiving has been at my house for the last three years so I welcomed the change for it to be at anothers. Didn't have to clean and cook and then clean up again, another reason to be thankful.

Truly I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and I don't just remember my blessings on Thanksgiving. I recognize everyday how blessed I really am and pray I continue to receive them from the good Lord above. I know there are many others that are so much worse off than I am and would love my life if it were offered to them. I know there are many that might not ever have what I do for whatever reason it may be so what I do have in my life and who I have in my life I cherish and hold close to my heart and soul.

Anyways, my body goes into a "no eat" zone when Thanksgiving comes around. Weird, I know but it's been that way for years. As the season changes from fall to winter and the holidays approach, I can taste the turkey melting on my tongue with all the fixins that go with it and I get so excited for the big event, but when the actual day comes along, I am only able to eat one serving of everything. There is a TON of food and I put what I can on my plate and once it's gone, that's it. No going back for seconds or thirds. Not sure if that's unheard of or not but oh well, I guess I don't have a TON to work off because the pants of "tightened" up.

This Thanksgiving has been exceptionally cold. Colder than I remembered it in a LONG time. I've been home for 11 years now and I have never had to keep my faucets dripping a little so they don't freeze up and explode. My dad and I went to lunch Wednesday. We had a blizzard coming in that night so my sweet dad told me everything I needed to do to prepare and be ready for. This was the list of "to do's by dad":

Flashlights= check

Candles= check

Extra batteries= not so check

Outside faucet covers ("they're only a buck and a half at Lowe's")=check

Blankets= check

Stay off the roads as much as possible= check

I was ready for it. I'm so grateful my dad has the concern he does for his kids to make sure we are ok in situations like this. He's the best dad a family could EVER have and I'm proud to say he's my daddy!!!!!

My dad...detective John McClane..aka..Bruce Willis :)

My sister "M" called me today just crying and barely able to speak. She of course was had a heavy heart today for Chad. We all did. Chad isn't one for the holidays anymore. Ever since the divorce between our dad and his mom they have never been the same for him and it seems to be a time of year when he gets pretty depressed. I prayed for him hoping he was ok and in good spirits. I got one letter from him since he was sentenced. He actually wrote it the night he was sentenced. He was transported the following morning after sentencing, Friday, November 19th to the prison. I run to the mailbox everyday but nothing yet. I know he hasn't forgotten me and he's thinking of us all. I miss him terribly but respect his feelings during this time as well. I know he's with us all, he's in my heart and always will be.

Thanksgiving 2008 - Our last Thanksgiving together

I didn't sleep well after 4:00 this morning. Sleep is still a luxury right now. I tossed and turned and looked into space thinking of all those crazy shoppers out there tearing up the stores and possibly but hopefully not, each other, trying to get the last item on sale. I've shopped Black Friday in the past but value my life to much at this point to risk having to hurt somebody if they dared snatch something out of my basket or hands. So instead, I pulled myself out of bed and put the movie EAT PRAY LOVE in and became a couch potato. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it through the whole movie without dozing off but I did and what a great movie. I laughed, I cried, and was memorized by her courage to stop and leave everything in her life to find herself once again. So inspiring and something I would love to do, once my kids are grown of course.

I decided I would do a little shopping. I've started early this year so it's not as hectic and it's working out awesome. Old Navy and Target it was and I made a little head-way. I worked retail at this time last year and looking at the mess those poor workers had to clean up once the store closed, I felt no envy for any of them. I did feel sorry for them and if I decided against an item I picked up, I tried my best to put it right back where it went. It's a habit I've taken on since working retail. If people would only put stuff back where it belongs things would be so much easier. Ya know people, retail workers have a life too and DON'T get paid an ounce of their worth. Seriously, it's pathetic so just a friendly reminder, remember their lives aren't lived in the stores and they, just like you, want to go home after work. They aren't your parents, they aren't your maids, they aren't your housekeepers and they aren't your babysitters. So while you shop anytime of the year, especially during the holiday season, be nice and keep them all in mind and put stuff back where it belongs!!! Okay now I'm done with my little rant and rave.

I wanted to put my Christmas trees and decorations up tonight. Not happening. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Sunday or maybe next weekend. I'll get around to it but for now, I'm going to enjoy the time with my boys and the rest of my week off. Maybe watch "A Christmas Story".

I hope you all had a very Happy Thanksgiving and wish you all the blessings in the world.

A surprise for the media, forgiveness from a father and a plea & request from Chad.

2010-11-18T09:22:00.010-07:00

After returning home from court yesterday, my sister and I decided we would do some Christmas shopping together. It's been YEARS, maybe 11, since the two of us have Christmas shopped together. We were both pretty burned out mentally and she is going back home for good this weekend so it was the perfect opportunity to share some "sister time" that we rarely get. So off we went. Jordan Landing was our destination. I got some fab deals on pajamas for 3 of my nephews for the holiday and bought a few things for myself as well at Old Navy. Love that store!!!!!! AND I found an awesome rice cooker for my oldest nephew for his birthday. Yes my 18 soon to be 19 year old nephew LOVES rice and wanted a rice maker for his birthday. I could think of other things a 18 year old wants besides a rice cooker but OK. They had red ones and since my sister's kitchen is red, I thought it would be perfect but I was ordered NOT to get a red one because my nephew's dad won't let him take it if he ever moves out. Lord have mercy REALLLLLLLLLY? My brother-in-law is a freak, plain and simple. So a black and stainless steel one I settled for but hey, it will get the job done and oh by the way, it makes up to 14 cups of rice at a time. My nephew will be in H-E-A-V-E-N!!! Mission accomplished.

So we packed up our shopping bags and headed home. My sister was exhausted but I was so thankful she gave in and we had this time together. It means so much on a normal day but even more with the circumstances we face. No sooner did we walk through my door and put our stuff down when her phone began to ring. It was our dad. He was calling to let us know what to be ready for. You see, Chad's FIVE minute hearing that took place yesterday was actually handed over to another judge because Chad was actually going to plead and be sentenced at the same time. That's right, no preliminary hearing and no trial. Chad knew there would one, be no chance he could fight these charges, two, he didn't want too and three, he wanted to face what he has done, move on with his life and let everybody get on with theirs and do his time. We were warned her family would be talking and that lovely little cohort of jerks, the media, were going to be there so count on a fiasco. We were told by dad who was advised by Chad's lawyer to just ignore the media and not approach her family.

Melanie was somewhat pale when she hung up with dad. I think I lost a little color too and could do nothing but hold to silence and let the emotions come to head. This was it. This would be done and over in just a matter of hours. What must be going through Chad's mind and heart I wonder. Is he scared? Is he nervous? Is he ready for this? I know it really doesn't matter, it's going to happen anyways, but is he??????? I can't even answer that.

I didn't sleep much last night after knowing what we were all ready to face at 4:00 this afternoon. I went to work for half a day. I knew if I stayed home I would probably go half way insane within my own walls so it was best to just go do what I had to do. I had to pick my brother "T" up at his mother-in-law's home. I left at 2:00 INTENDING to pick him up by 2:30 and head north. Those that know me really well know that I'm a very punctual person. A trait that was drilled into me over and over again by my dad as a young girl. Not all of us are that way and it's definitely a trait I inherited from him. There is NO SUCH THING as being fashionably late. If you're going to be late, call and let them know. It's just respect.

Getting out of downtown is such a joke anymore but I figured because I was leaving early enough, I would totally beat the traffic getting onto the freeway. Ha, not today. The 4 lane, one way street I always take to the freeway was moved to ONE lane for construction. I couldn't believe it. I was so irritated and antsy, freaking out that I wasn't going to make it in time. Of all days UDOT did it have to be TODAY? Don't they know I have an extremely urgent matter that I MUST attend and they won't wait on me or my brother. I kept praying to God, please Lord please let me make it on time. Please don't let them start without us. Nothing ever runs on-time in court but my luck it would today.

After what seemed to be 20 minutes was really only 7-10 that I was held up in traffic. I punched my gas pedal to make up for some time. Picked "T" up and we were on our way. Phew!!!!! It's been a long time since he and I drove anywhere together. We talked a lot and listened to some 80's rock. He was just as nervous as I was. Butterflies in our belly's, palm's sweating, body jittering. We were all in the same boat. We made it to the court house maybe a half an hour before 4. Dad and his wife were there and we walked to the court room where the hearing would take place. There were 2 women sitting on the little couches outside of the room. I wondered if they were there for Chad's case. Turns out they were. My sister "M" showed up and two women our family has known for YEARS, Chad's babysitter (who babysat all my brothers including my oldest son) and her daughter. They are the sweetest ladies I tell ya. I forgot to bring a toilet paper roll with me to dry my tears and anybody else that might have needed it so I made a TP run in the bathroom at the court. No I didn't steal the roll but I took a LOT off of it and stuffed it in my pant pocket.

Chad's lawyer came to talk with us. This was the first time I actually got to meet her. CLASS ACT!! She took us in a open room that you go through before you actually go into the courtroom itself. You can see in there. His lawyer said the judge was finishing up with the previous cases for the day and would be taking a short break than proceed with Chad. When the judge left the podium is when we would be allowed to go into the room. The room looked like there were quite a number of people in there. She explained that she "thought" her family was there but wasn't sure yet. She mentioned a couple in the front that seemed very upset so she was assuming it was her parents but wasn't sure. I asked her if any of us as Chad's family would be allowed to speak. Unfortunately we wouldn't be allowed as it is only the victim's family that is given the opportunity to do so. I had a letter typed up just in case (I will publish at a later date) but I understood and was fine with not being able to read it. She assured us Chad is fine. She has spoken to him and he is ready to get this over with and she really thinks he is ok. She told us the media is beginning to show up and again just gave us a head's up to not approach the family, not shout anything out during the hearing and not give into the media's "BS" tactics. Can I just say, I like her. REALLY like her.

The judge took his break and in we went. His lawyer had us sit in the 2nd pew. My sister "M" was the first to be seated so Chad's lawyer whispered in her ear the lady at the end of the pew was a reporter so to ignore her. OH,OH,OH and guess who was sitting next to that reporter?? Camera man Joe from yesterdays hearing. Remember Mr. snappy fingers himself? Let me remind you real quick, the media has NO idea that Chad is pleading and being sentenced today. They believe he is being bound over for trial at today's hearing.

I didn't dare look around too much. It was a pretty "cold" court room. The walls might have been white but in my head they reminded me of an institutional green. It seemed so dreary in there. Bailiffs, sheriffs, lawyers, district attorney's, and clerks all over the place. People kept coming in and out. Then a lady came up and sat right behind the reporter next to my sister. She was also a reporter. They were having their "Hi how are you?" conversation when I felt a tap on my leg from my sister. She whispered in my ear "The reporter behind me asked the one sitting next to me if we were Chad's family and she said she thinks so but didn't know. Then she asked her if her family was there and she said she didn't know. Then the reporter that was sitting behind the other reporter said I can't believe his family is here. They should have enough respect for her family and not be here." Oh dear God you just might see my sister jump over this pew and mop this court room with the reporters head.

I CANNOT believe, no I take that back, I DO believe she would have the audacity to say such a thing because that is how the media is. They are in their own little bubble and all they are there for is a story. Plain and simple. They don't care who they hurt in the process as long as they get what they came for. I wanted to so badly to turn to her and tell her just what I thought and that I as well as MY family had EVERY RIGHT to be there and really chic-a-dee YOU should learn the definition of respect and ask yourself WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE because it certainly isn't in the best interest of any of us who are directly involved. But I held my tongue and kept my cool. If it weren't so important that I see my brother for what might be the last time for a while believe me, it would have been on and I myself may have been detained.

"All rise" came next. While I stood up, my heart went to the floor. Again, THIS WAS IT. I am in a court room with my family and hers and we are facing along with my brother sentencing for a homicide that he committed. "You may be seated." The judge than stated the case that had come forth and asked his lawyer if Chad was ready. She went to get him and he entered in. He didn't look at any of us but I know he knew we were there. Snap snap snap goes camera man Joe. The hearing began. Chad plead guilty to 1st degree homicide and 3rd degree desecration/abuse of a body. SURPRISE. I bet the media was like "whooooa" wait a minute. Chad then requested to the judge he be sentenced today. SURPRISE again. Those little fingers on those women just couldn't write fast enough on their little tablets.

Her family was given the chance to speak. Chad and his lawyer remained standing at the podium. This is something me, my dad, my sister and brother were all terrified of. This was the part I wasn't sure if I could take. I wasn't sure I would be able to listen to what they had to say. Only because I know who my brother is and the family he was raised in. But they were entitled to their feelings and they deserved to feel however they felt and Chad deserved to hear what ever they had to say. You just don't commit a crime like this and not expect to hear the words of the family who's life you took from them. Not only that but if you are man enough to stand up and face your charges and request sentencing that very day, than you are man enough to hear what the family has to say.

My sister grabbed my hand as her father approached the district attorney's side first and gripped it as hard as she could without pain. He didn't look at any of us as he walked by. A gentle soul he seemed to be and I couldn't imagine the race his heart is running. He stood up and looked at the judge and the very first two things he said as he opened was "I'm not mad at Mr. Mecham and I have forgiven him." My eyes wept with tear drops and I looked to the ceiling and said thank you Jesus. I had hoped one day they would be able to forgive Chad and her father has. He then went on to speak about his daughter and the joy she brought to his and her families life. The conversations they had, the things he could turn to her and ask if he needed help with a country song or about NASCAR and just the sweetness that she was and had. You could tell they had a very strong bond. He then went on to say that while he has forgiven Chad he does not feel he should receive any leniency. He believes that when someone does wrong, they should be held accountable and asked that Chad be sentenced to the maximum amount the law could allow. He was absolutely right. Chad DID do wrong, WAY WRONG, and had to be held accountable for his actions. Chad knew this and that's exactly why today went as it did. Too face his punishment and move forward.

Her brother than stood up as her dad did and talked briefly of his relationship with his sister. How much he misses her and what she meant to him. His words were not nearly as long as his dad's but it came down to the same point, he wanted Chad to be held fully accountable and asked that the court give him the maximum sentence allowed.

I was amazed at how calm these two men were. I was grateful for what they said. I know it could have been so much worse, but it wasn't. My dad thought they would for sure shred Chad to pieces and they very well could have, but they didn't. They said what they had too and somehow by the Grace of God spared all of us anymore hurt I guess.

Now the time had come. Sentencing was here. The judge talked to Chad in a calm but authoritative voice. It was nothing like you see or hear about in other cases when the families are lashing out, acting like fools in the court room and a judge ripping into the person standing before him for a crime he/she committed. It was nothing like that at all. He just simply stated the facts. That what Chad has done can never be restored, he can never fix what he has done, he can never take it back. But what he can do is make himself a better person in prison and possibly one day be able to apologize to her family for what he took from them. It all made perfect sense. "So on the count of 1st degree felony murder, I sentence you to the maximum time allowed of 15 years to life and on the 3rd degree felony desecration/abuse of a body, I sentence you to the maximum time allowed of 0-5 years at the Utah State Prison and they shall run concurrent." The judge went on to say that while he will have the opportunity for parole, when you have a sentence where life is on the end, it is usually closer to that time frame you do in prison rather than the minimum. After that, I don't remember what was said but when the judge was done, Chad was taken back to the holding cell by his lawyer.

I LOST IT. It was over. This all had come to an end. I bent over and put my hands over my face and just wept. Every emotion I had been carrying inside for the last 6 weeks just hit me. I KNEW it was coming and I KNEW "life" would be involved but actually hearing it from the judge and REALIZING this was the real thing, it just hit me so hard. I sat there for a few minutes and just cried, trying to catch my breath. I could feel my sister rubbing my back. I left the courtroom and went straight to the bathroom dodging every possible reporter I could. I put my elbows on the vanity and sobbed my heart out. I heard two people come in and thought my hell it's them. It's those reporters. It wasn't though. It was the babysitter and her daughter who rubbed my back and hugged me. I thanked them so dearly for being there for him and our family.

I composed myself enough to get out of the bathroom and who should I walk out too was my dad. He was waiting there for me with open arms. I grabbed him and hugged him so tight and told him how sorry I was. I told him I tried everything I could to keep Chad sober and on the right path and I really did. My dad was so upset. Crying himself, telling me he knew how much I did and how much I love Chad and still holding onto me. It was that daddy hug that you get when you're hurting so deep and nobody can make it better but him.

I looked back at the hallway I hope to never see again to find the reporters talking with the D.A. and I don't know who else. Dad wanted us to get out of there as soon as we could so we did. We walked out of the courtroom and walked past Chris Jones from Channel 2 and camera man Joe. I thought Chris was going to approach us but when he saw the tears on my dads face he looked as if he new better. After all, he was the one who called my dad the day Chad was arrested and my dad gave him a tongue lashing and hung up on him.

We all had parked our cars far away from the court. We all sat out there for a bit making sure we were all ok. Suddenly a lady approached us and asked my dad if he was Chad's dad. It was her, the victim's, best friend. She gave my dad a big hug telling him and the rest of us how sorry she was and they held no ill will towards any of us. We talked for about 10 minutes with her, well my dad did. I didn't know what to say. But she assured us all that there was no ill will and wow did that make my dad feel good. While he was torn up and his own tears were falling, he was so grateful to know that others cared from her side. As she was ready to leave I did ask her if she saw the victim's father often. She said once in a while but she sees the brother more often. I asked her if she would make sure that the father got a letter I had in my purse. I explained that if we would have been allowed to speak in court, this is what I would have said and to please make sure he received this and not the media. She assured me she would.

It's ironic. Today was EXACTLY 2 months to the day that Chad made the first withdrawal of $240.00 from my checking account to buy heroin and cocaine and 6 weeks from his arrest he has been sentenced for murder. Just three short months ago all seemed so good. Chad and I laughed together, we went to work together, we drove home from work together, we ate together, we hung out with each other, we lived together. I was so proud of him and the effort he was making to stay sober. I thought his life was finally changing. And now today, I along with my family, watched and heard the words said by a judge that my brother's life would now be a life sentence at the Utah State Prison. Life in prison. We have all been handed a life sentence. Just like his addiction became all of our addiction, the same stands for his 15 to life sentence.

In a months time (August to September) something went wrong. He lost hope, he lost faith and he lost his will to fight and he began to use his cocktail of choice again, speedballs. I don't know what happened the day he snapped and our lives including her familes lives hit a tailspin and I don't know if I ever want to know what happened, but I will say this. I know who my brother is. Yes we all have dark sides as I'm reminded of everyday in the case of Chad, but I know him as the loving brother that would give the shirt off his back and anything else he had when he is sober just like I know him as a drug addict. There are two sides to him and I'm proud he stood up and faced what he should have today. It was very admirable and responsible for Chad to do but most importantly, the RIGHT thing to do. I'm proud that he didn't put any of us through an unecessary trial which would have meant most of us being called to the stand. While this is NOT the life I would have ever wanted anybody in my family to go through, least of all a sibling, Chad has stood-up and is taking responsibility and that is all he can do at this point and for that, yes I am proud of him and I love him!!!

Fortunately for our families, Chad's case got little media attention. Yes it was still on some, not all, of the news channels and in the paper but because of the media frenzy the Elizabeth Smart case was attracting since Brian Mitchell was on trial this week, our family story wasn't the "main event" for the news to talk about so it didn't get a ton of attention and for that I'm relieved.

M.E.D.I.A

2010-11-17T20:03:00.004-07:00

M=Malicious

E=Erroneous

D=Devious

I=Inconsistent

A=Assholes

Let me just tell you about the MEDIA!!! These people that we refer to as our local news reporters, reporters that we COUNT on to deliver us the current events that are going on in our cities, states and nation are for the most part the most arrogant and idiotic people to deal with!!!! When it comes to the term accuracy, they fail. When it comes to the term compassion, they fail. When it comes to the saying "Leave me alone", they fail. No is not a word they recognize well by any means. It all comes down to that almighty story and who can break it first REGARDLESS that there are families involved. HEARTBROKEN families mind you.

Chad has made the headlines twice now. When he robbed the pharmacies for Oxycontin years ago, he was all over the news and then of course with the new charges he made the news as well. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to contact the newspapers AND the stations themselves and just let them have it. I mean when the manhunt was on for Chad this last time, one station had the car he was described as being in as a completely different vehicle than what it was. I mean really, if you are going to report on a manhunt and you expect the public to keep their eyes open and report any suspicion to their local authorities THAN HAVE THE CORRECT INFORMATION TO DO SO MORONS!!!!

Then there were the stories in the newspapers in reference to me, his sister, and that he stole $200.00 from my account to purchase heroin. I KNOW they got this information from the police report and or witness statement I had to fill out so head's up reporters, if you are going to report on a breaking news story and discuss what you found in these reports THAN READ THE WHOLE REPORT AND REPORT THE CORRECT INFORMATION IDIOTS!!!! It wasn't $200.00 that he took, it was $440.00 and it cleeeearly stated that in my reports. Yes it looks much worse for Chad but if you are going to write such a story and put your name on it than have the decency to know what the hell it is you're reporting on. In other words, GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!!!

Chad jumped from the balcony inside his housing unit at the jail on Thursday, October 7th. I was at my desk on Friday morning working when my cell phone began vibrating over and over again with text messages. I was being asked if I was ok and most importantly if Chad was ok. What struck me and I realized that I didn't have a clue what they were talking about is when somebody asked me if I saw the news that morning. So I pulled it up on my computer and there you have it. "Person of interest in Bountiful homicide placed on suicide watch." Tears fill my eyes and once again my stomach flips over as I continue to read the story that our reliable media reported on. They said he jumped head first from the 2nd balcony in the pod he was in and suffered head injuries and was taken to the local hospital. He was unconscious but responsive. When my brother jumped from the 2nd balcony at the jail, do you think anybody in his family was notified? Nope. Not one. Not even our dad!

So of course I pick up the phone to call my dad who didn't know either. He hadn't watched the news yet that morning so he had no clue of the current event. I then made a call the Davis county jail and left a message for the Chief asking one, was my brother was ok because the story stated he had head injuries and two, why did the media know about it before his own dad knew of it? To say the least, I was PISSED annnnnd not sure how much more I could stand or take!!!!!

Some who might read this would think "who cares if he jumped and was hurt, he gets what he deserves" or even harsher statements and I completely understand where they are coming from. The fact is, in a case such as this where a life has been taken, it is very easy and expected for people to judge and throw their opinions in the wind, even if they do know the facts. That's just how we the people have become. Most of us never think before speaking or most of us don't care what we're saying, as long as we get to say it.

Well here are a few facts about his "jump" or "leap":

Chad didn't jump head first as stated NOR did he have head injuries! He jumped feet first.
He stood up on the top railing of the 2nd level of the tier, 20 feet high NOT 10 feet, in the pod and jumped FEET first!
He was taken to a local hospital and was found to have a broken lumbar vertebrae!
The Chief didn't know the news already had the story and he didn't call our dad because it wasn't considered a "life threatening" incident and if it would have been then his family most definitely would have been notified.

So there ya have it on the jump story.

Then came November 17th. A status hearing for Chad. My dad, "M" and I went to this hearing. The court doors didn't open until 1:00 so we stood in the hall way hoping to dodge anybody media related. We sat on the little couches conversating about other things and acting non-shalant. A reporter was there and I knew he was so because he had a little tablet, pen and a badge around his neck and looked at the docket on the outside of the court door and Chad's name was the very first one. Then he walked straight towards us and all I could think in my head was "shit, please don't ask me a single thing. NOT ONE!!!"

Soon after a man came whipping around the corner with his turbo zoom camera and scopes that looked like they belonged in a Star Wars movie. Out of breath, he professed to the other bystanders waiting around the halls that he was there for the "Mecham" case. GREAT!!!! He was frazzled and rushed being that he was "at lunch" when he got the call and had to rush from Ogden to get to the court in time to snap his pictures for yet another story about Chad.

We sat in the back of the courtroom as far away from the reporters as possible. "M" said she heard the bailiff had ask him who he was there to take pictures of because camera's aren't allowed in the courtroom. He responded he had a warrant signed by the judge allowing him in to take pictures while Chad was in the court room. Really????? Does he look THAT different during each court appearance that you find it so intriguing to continue taking snap shots of him for your story? The public has no clue what he looks like right? Let's just keep twisting the knife through all of us, after all, he is no relation to you RIGHT? PRICK!

Chad was the first case. His lawyer wanted him in and out of there as soon as possible. When the courts announced Chad's name, "The State of Utah vs. Chad Mecham", camera man Joe went into action. The door opened and Chad walked into the courtroom, not knowing we were there, and snap, snap, snap, snap his camera went. The hearing was a FIVE minute hearing and I'm exaggerating the word "FIVE". Chad waived his right to a preliminary hearing and it was requested by his lawyer and Chad that it be turned over for arraignment to Judge so and so for tomorrow, November 18th at 4:00 p.m.. The judge asked Chad if he concurred with this, "yes sir" he said AND THAT WAS IT!!! Chad went back to the jail and voila, it's over.

Do you think the reporters stayed to take pictures or notes of the other cases. Nope. Those people aren't interesting enough. They don't have a story to tell. So they left. We stayed behind giving those vultures time to leave before we did.

The lesson I have learned through this entire ordeal and our media is that I will never pre-judge, judge or believe a single thing they report on. I mean for God's sake half the time the weather isn't even right, why would I ever believe anything else could be remotely right? Yes something may have happened but the facts or I should say the so called facts that are reported on the T.V., in the newspaper, or on the radio should be left for those at the core of the issue to tell once they can. Ever heard the saying "don't believe everything you hear?" Live by it!!

A visit among all walks of life.

2010-11-15T09:37:00.012-07:00

My dad, my sister "M" and I were granted a visit with Chad yesterday. He is in a maximum security unit at the jail so he isn't allowed visitation or phone privileges. Being that "M" was in town and we weren't sure when she might be able to see Chad again, gratefully the Chief approved an hour visit with Chad for the three of us. I haven't seen Chad since my first visit with him at the beginning of October so I was excited to see him and be able to share it with my dad and sister.

Walking through the parking lot and up to the building you can't help but look at the people entering and leaving the jail for visitation. Jails carry a stereotype in my opinion and I understand why. But if you have never been to or in as a visitor, it's easy to think the worst of the worst are their to visit the very worst of the worst. Not so. Not so at all!!! There are all different walks of life with different stories that enter through for visitation with an inmate. People dressed in their Sunday best, grandma's, grandpas, mom's, dad's, friends, aunt's or uncle's taking little one's into visit THEIR mommy's or daddy's or another relative. Upper, middle, and lower class NORMAL looking individuals all walking in and around the jail. Some look as if they are worried beyond belief and holding on with all their might. Some who you can tell it must be their very first time experiencing such a thing and they aren't sure of the process and there are those who have done this many, MANY times and it is just routine. In fact when you visit enough times, you begin to see the same people from time to time and if either of you are inclined to talk, you realize how many of us really are in the same boat....... just for different reasons, and you quickly realize, a bond has been created. Then you see those looking at you with the look that asks through their eyes "who are you here for and what did your inmate do?" I'm sure I have had that very same look on my face a time or two. Different walks of life making a jail visit to a loved one as part of their everyday lives JUST....LIKE....US!

We were put in a room with cold, cinder-block walls, two stainless steel stools and a huge window to separate us from Chad. An empty, sterile appearance best describes the room. We waited for maybe 10 minutes while they transported Chad from his pod to the area we were in. He arrived; red scrubs accessorized with a chain around the waist with Chad's hands handcuffed and attached to the chain in the front of him and his ankles shackled with handcuffs. I hate seeing him like this but I have so many times before that while I really never get used to it, I know what to expect. He looked great. He looked at me and I looked him and just smiled and said hi. He was a little dark under the eyes and thin but it is NIGHT and DAY from his mug shot.

He is doing as good as can be expected under the circumstances he endures. He is locked up for 23 hours a day in his own cell. They aren't the type of cells that have bars. They have doors that have holes in them to circulate the air. The inmates can't see each other unless they are being escorted outside of their cells. They only way they communicate is by talking through the doors. He said they memorize each other's voices and that's how they know who they are talking too. Because of his security level, the only commissary he is allowed is hygiene, envelopes, paper and pencils. He said this jail is a lot different from SL County and it has its pro's and con's but he is adapting and doing what he must do.

Having that much time in a cell with NO T.V. and no "out" time other than his hour to shower and exercise, he has a LOT of thinking time and it sucks he says. It's hard on the mind but he's getting used to it. He reads when he is able to get a book and writes letters and that helps him. He is anxious to leave the jail. He is ready to face sentencing and just wants it to be done and over with so he can be moved and start his new life and begin facing what he must, his punishment! I have no idea what is going on in regards to that part of things. That is something for Chad and his lawyer to know and when sentencing comes, that is when I will know, unless he decides to tell me before that.

I'm so happy my sister got this time as well. It is excruciating for her because she lives so far away. The miles of distance and the "not knowing" get to her and she has had many breakdowns because truly at times, this is unbearable to live with. I have had one breakdown thus far. It happened last week. I have avoided his room at all costs as I have mentioned before. I feel like he has passed away, therefore it's so hard for me to walk in a room with his belongings and scent. Remembering him in his room, cleaning it or folding his clothes or just walking in there while he slept, making sure he was ok and telling him I loved him. It's unbelievably raw!! But with "M" coming up, I had to put the comforter on the bed after the bedding had been cleaned.

What an eery feeling to confront. A room in my very own house that I have to become reacquainted with. I picked up the white T-shirt he last wore before he changed and left Sunday, September 19th. I held it with both hands, squeezing it to my face and breathing him into my heart and mind. The uncontrollable tears welled out of my eyes and I just let them flow. They drenched my eyes and face and it felt so good to let them go but man I was and continue to be SO heartbroken. I want my brother back damn it!!!!!! I want her to be alive!!!! I want all of this to go away, not be real, be that nightmare I'm still begging to be shook out of. But sadly, it's not. It's no longer what I want anymore, it's what it is and what it is is what we will all have to learn to live with as we continue to breathe and live on.

It's been 4 days since "M" has been here and she has yet to sleep in his room. It was difficult enough hanging her clothes next to his in the closet and just being in there. We both do the same thing when we go in there, go in quick and get out quick. It's straight up HORRIBLE!!!!

Our visit came to a bittersweet end. We said our good-bye's and turned to leave. I had yet to take my first steps to walk out of the room when I looked back for a quick look at him only to find my brother lying flat on his back on the floor laughing. I shouted out "are you okay, what happened?" as we all looked back at him. The shackles around his feet somehow got stuck on the stool I guess and he lost his balance and fell backwards. Of course we were laughing to because he was but I was so scared for him. When he jumped off the 2nd floor balcony a few nights after his arrest, he broke his L5 vertebrae and now he has fallen backwards on his already injured back. GOOD HELL!!!! The laughing among us all after we realized what happened and as we watched him pull himself up definitely lifted the heavy hearts we began to have as our visit came to an end but I still had to take those steps to leave. I kept looking back for one more look. I don't know when I will see Chad again but I thank you Deputy Chief Yeaman from the bottom of my heart for giving me, my sister and my dad today!!!

A midnight email.

2010-11-11T11:45:00.004-07:00

I get SO many emails and I decided while things are quiet in the office I would go through them and get rid of the ones I don't need. I stumbled on this email I received from Chad on August 11, 2010, just a month before he relapsed. This is just a small example of who Chad is when he is free from heroin.

From: Chad Mecham
To: garzamindy@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, August 11, 2010 12:14:39 AM
Subject: Hi

Mindy,
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for me. I hope you know how grateful I am to have you as my sister. You have done so much for me that words can't express how greatly appreciated you are. You've stuck by my side through thick and thin, yes we have had our problems and issues, but we've worked past them and I hope we can continue to build our relationship. I feel like I can talk to you about anything and you'll keep an open mind regardless if it's wrong or right. Thank you so much for being the person that you are, I look up to you more than you will ever know. I know if I ever need to talk, you're the first one I would go to. Thank you far all your help with my bullshit, you don't have to do what you do, but you continue to do it. Why? I don't know, I can't answer that. All I know is that I love you tremendously and always will, you mean so much to me, you've impacted my life in so many ways that it would be impossible to list them...You are an amazing person, sister, mom, daughter, aunt, and so on...You have so many great chracteristics about you. I love having you as my sister. I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am, I don't think I tell you how really grateful I am...Thank you so much Mindy, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you. I love you so, so much and always will...Thanks for keeping me positive during my low times and your constant motiviation to try and keep me positive...You are loved so much by me and others, I love you sis...Have a good day...
Your little bro,
Chad
aka "cabana boy"

I love you

The black out

2010-11-08T15:56:00.031-07:00

This weekend was a HUGE rival game for our Utes. It was the black out game against TCU. Chad and I went to the same game a couple of years ago. Their were a couple different things from that game vs. this one. The game a couple years ago was on a weeknight, this one was on a Saturday so needless to say I was exhausted when I woke up and had to go to work. The game Chad I went too was an evening game and FREEZING cold, but this game was during the day and it was a very abnormal 70 degrees. The Ute's won at the game Chad and I went to but this year the Ute's unfortunately got their tail-feathers stomped. I am extremely thankful for this memorable time I had with Chad. I almost didn't go it was on a weeknight and I hate dragging ass to work because I haven't had my many hours of sleep but I had a little somethin somethin nudging me and I went. Must have been my sweet grandma up above pushing me knowing one day I might not have another opportunity with Chad. She was right, thanks Grandma. The story of our college game night is a funny one. Here is how it rolled:

My big little brother got tickets from his boss for the TCU vs. UTAH Utes game. For anybody out there that knows anything about college football...this was a VERY important game for the Utes and I hate so say their name but the BYU Cougars as well. TCU is known to be a REALLY good team and that they are. They are fast....extremely fast and their QB is allowed, way, way WAAAY to much time in the pocket. So Chad wants to know if I want to go to the game with him. Why not? It's football which I love, spending time with my brother which is a rarity, and being out in the cold for some reason just made the game sound more fun. So I went and we had a BLAST!!!! Paid $4.00 each for a cup of hot chocolate that was oh so yummy and $8.00 each for a smothered burrito that was cold by the time we got to our seats but who cares...it was football stadium food.

Kickoff started and the game began. There was a cool breeze that kind of chilled you to the bone if you didn't dress appropriately which by the way, was the case of my brother. DUH!!! How do you go to an OUTSIDE football game that starts at 6:00 at night the day after a snow storm not to mention the fact that your stadium just HAPPENS to sit under the snow packed mountains????? Once again can you say DUH?? He wore thin socks, Levi's, a T-shirt and a hoodie. That's it!!! Can you say a tad under dressed for the occasion. MOOOORRRROOON!!! I swear while he was getting ready for his favorite color had to have been clear. Again, I was the smart one...I wore three shirts, doubled up on socks and had a coat!

The game went on, the cheers went on and after 3 hours of wondering if we could pull it off...we did. The bad thing thought. My brother was so cold that we left the LAST 4 minutes of the game, Utes were down by 4. I had a gut instinct we shouldn't leave but feeling bad for my freezing brother, I gave in. What a sucker. Walking through the cold air, knees and toes aching from the cold after sitting so long we suddenly hear "TOUCHDOWN" Utah and a ROARING crowd that we should have been in. Can I just say my brother is lucky to be alive. How could he be so cold that he couldn't stick out 4 more minutes? And if he really was that cold, it was his own fault for dressing like all he was going to do was walk through a parking lot to get into a warm store. UGHHHH!!!! I missed the best part of the game because of his stupid shivers.

Oh well, I am thankful I got to go. It has been a long time since I spent time like that with Cheek. We had awesome seats that mind you were free AND I got a free towel. Yep Yep. It was all worth it. At least for me it was. I was warm!!!!

So, so glad I can look back on this night. Thanks Chad for the free tickets and thanks for thinking of taking me. I know you could have taken anybody but you chose me. Thanks again!

32 days.

2010-11-05T15:11:00.014-06:00

Today it has been 32 days since Chad was arrested. Not a day has gone by that hasn't been uneventful I guess you could say. OCTOBER, a month that is recognized for it's autumn colors, leaves falling from the trees, change in the temperature going from hot to cool and sometimes down right cold, winterizing the house, cutting back the foliage in the flower beds, and preparing to celebrate that exciting holiday we refer to as Halloween. Decorating yards and homes and throwing big Boo bashes with your closest friends and family and seeing those scary and cute little kids standing on your door step howling "Trick or Treat" while they are so excited to add to their quest of who gets the most candy.

Yes October is a month I usually embrace with excitement and open arms however, October 2010 was anything but that. The month in a year's calendar that I will never forget. Yes the leaves began to change to those beautiful autumn colors but it took place MUCH later in the month than usual. It has been UNUSUALLY warm for this time of year. Yes we did have a good cold front come through that dropped 4 inches of snow in my yard and required me to turn the heater on in my home. The snow was a heavy, wet snow so that meant breaking out the snow scraper and cleaning the car off. It was a refreshing change but didn't last and before I knew it, the temps were back in the mid-sixties which is unheard of. Yes we have winterized to an extent and that was draining and covering the swamp cooler and I have cut back my foliage in my flower beds. Yes I put up my fall wreath and a scarecrow and pumpkin on the porch but that was as far as it went this year with the el decorations. And again I didn't throw a boo bash with my friends or family. Yes, all of these things were part of my October days and they somehow managed to coincide with the unbelievable and incomprehensible fact that my brother has now been officially charged with a homicide.

So instead of throwing a Halloween party that I have always wanted to do but couldn't in the past due to Chad's probation stipulations, Vegas it was. I needed to get out of town, away from all that has gone on. I needed to come up for some air so Vegas was the perfect opportunity. It was my nieces Sweet 16 and a chance to spend some time with my baby sister and her family and my 14 year old. The trip down and back was the longest I ever remember road trips to Vegas being. I had a LOT of time to think of the events that have occurred in our lives these last few weeks. I asked my already hammered brain so many questions, the what if's, the how comes and what now and HOW!! Can you say slow motion?

The trip for the most part was PERFECT to say the least. I was loving being around family. Pedicures with the girls, cosmic bowling with the whole family, hugs from my Doughboy and niece and nephews. Yes it was a good time and a much needed mini-vacay for sure. But truly, my life is not the same right now and it never will be quite the same again.

I hope one day I will one day be "back to normal" if there is such a thing. I am the wild one in my family. I can laugh like there is no end. I can rise to any occasion (except this one). I have experienced hurt like everybody else has and the older I have become and the more I have let go of my past, I try to live by the saying Live, Laugh and Love and if you ain't laughin, you ain't livin. But that spark in me, the spit-fire, that little wild hair that can get everybody going in a nano second has been tucked away at the present time. My mind and heart are focused elsewhere and most of it is so blurry that I simply just can't rationalize. I get caught up in my thoughts and some days it has taken all I have to put myself to sleep and pull myself up the next day. In fact by the 2nd day in Vegas I started stressing out inside a little bit because I wasn't home. I know it sounds so strange to say that. The feeling itself was strange. I didn't really know what was going on at home and I got scared. I fell asleep that night and had a horrible dream about Chad and it caused me to have a panic attack in my sleep. I have NEVER felt that way before and I really feared for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME and I hope I never feel it again!!!

Along with the above, these are just SOME of the events that have happened in this not so exciting by ANY means October.

Chad jumped FEET first (not head first) from the 2nd balcony at the jail in what was suggested a "suicide attempt". I found out about this on the news.
He was able to make that first court appearance even after jumping.
I got an email from a Tribune reporter asking if I would be willing to talk to him about Chad. Because it was an ongoing investigation, no was my answer but I did tell him if he wanted to talk to somebody about Chad, he might be able to find our mother at either the Busy Bee bar or Chuckles.
She was layed to rest, God rest her soul.
My dad and I were able to get our first visit with Chad. Such an easy visiting process compared to that of the SL County metro jail.
I drove all the way to my dad's house out of fear and concern because he didn't answer his phone only to find he was at Strawberry with B fishing. Phew!!!! I don't think my heart can be stimulated much more by fear or the "unknown" or it might just pounce right out of my chest.
My sweet friend Nana who I have known since we were weee little ones took me to dinner at Chili's to give me a break.
I went WEEKS without plucking my eyebrows. I simply didn't have the want, need or strength to pluck them. COMPLETELY out of character for me.
I got more texts and phone calls than I ever have in a month's time and I text a lot.
After 3 weeks since Chad's arrest, our mom decided to call me to "see how Chad is doing" and what was happening with him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's been THREE WEEKS. Needless to say while it seemed to be the most sober she has been in years, I was able to say just what I thought and felt about her and her lack of motherhood in the last several years and felt alright with it.
I received my first letter from Chad.
The evidence came back from the state crime lab. Another event we found out in the news. Chad was arraigned during his 2nd court appearance and officially charged with the "M" word. A word I have yet been able to release from my tongue.
Sleeping or lack of for a better term has become an issue for me. I either sleep for hours uninterrupted or can't sleep but a few minutes and I wake to several hours of open eye.
I have entered his room only twice. A room that is straight across from mine but the door remains closed. Nothing has been moved, nothing has been touched. Everything remains just as it was the last morning my brother was in my home. A day I will regret for the rest of my life.
I wrote a letter to my oldest son practically begging him to never let this lifestyle enter his. I told my youngest while I was in Vegas face to face. His little heart was broken about his Uncle Chad.

As the days have passed, I have tried to keep some "normalcy" in my life but it isn't easy, that's for sure. Things that have always been so important to me or a priority have gone by the way side for now. I'm more tired than I have been in a long time and still under such a shock wave. I just can't seem to come to terms that this is what it is, Chad actually did this. He took anothers life at his own hands and there isn't a damn thing any one of us can do to change it. I am so devastated for her family. I worry what they may think of us. I can only imagine what they think about Chad but what about the rest of us. We have had no contact with her family. I wouldn't even know how to make contact unless it were through the media and I wouldn't want to do it that way. I just want her family to know that while there is not ONE SINGLE word that can bring a bit of peace to any of them I'm sure, I am so sorry their lives have been changed forever as well because of Chad and his addiction. I am so sorry she and they were brought into this and if there was anything I could do to change it, I would!!!! I sometimes think I wish it were my life he took, not somebody who really had nothing to do with it. I hope their hearts will heal from this tragic and absolute senseless train wreck that has run us all over. I hope they may one day be able to forgive enough so they might move forward but if they can't, I understand. I whole heartedly UNDERSTAND.

The First 24!

2010-11-05T14:39:00.008-06:00

There is a show on cable called the First 48. A reality program of homicide crimes that have taken place and the how the first 48 hours mean everything in a case when it comes to leads, tips and ultimately an arrest. After the first 48 are gone and you don't have a suspect, the chances become harder of trying to solve the crime. Well the chaos (for lack of a better word) that ROCKED, JOLTED, and RIPPED the life of me and my family today happened in the First 24. In my last posts, I have never given the names of my brothers or sister. I have posted a picture and those who know my family knows which one in the picture is the addict. But after today's events there is no reason not to give names, especially now that every news station has released his name. Instead of releasing EVERYBODY's names I will refer to them with the initial of their first name. Of course there is me, Mindy and Chad, my brother who is the heroin addict. I will refer to my sister as "M" the brothers as "T"and "B".

I returned to work today from a pretty uneventful weekend. The season is finally changing so I clipped back my perennials and ornamental grasses. Did a little bit of housework and just chilled. Nothing exciting that's for sure. I hadn't heard from Chad since Friday when I saw him at the gas station. I didn't really talk to anybody all weekend. To say the least, my brain was once again pretty fried from all the shit that goes on with him when he relapses and I just wanted to do NOTHING if I didn't HAVE too.

My morning was of the norm. I was asked early on this morning by a co-worker who I consider a dear friend if I could go out for lunch and while I'm strapped for cash I needed it. And when I found out it was at Chili's, no was not an option. Not today anyway. Chili's is a favorite of mine and usually I can choke my whole plate back but with the events going on the last two weeks and the lack of sleep I have had, a side salad and bowl of soup was all I ordered. VERY out of the norm for mu'ah and if you saw my ass you would understand what I mean.

Returned to the office and back to the grind I went. I had been back for mayyybe a half an hour when my life literally began to unravel piece by piece. "T", the oldest of my younger brother's called me. It was weird to see his name on my phone because I usually don't hear from him. He usually only texts me. I answered. He said two detectives had just shown up at his work asking if he knew where Chad was. They wanted all of the families information like phone numbers and addresses. They wouldn't tell him why or what was going on, they just wanted information and possibilities of where Chad could be. In the midst of my call with "T", I get another incoming call from Chad's probation officer. I hung up with Travis and answered the new call. Here is how it went:

ME: "Hello" P.O. "Mindy, I need you and your dad to get down here to AP&P right away. Something serious has happened and you both need to get here just as fast as you can so I can tell you what's going on." ME: "What's wrong, just tell me." P.O. "I don't want to tell you this over the phone." ME: "(His name) I have been waiting for this call for a long time, just tell me". P.O. "Chad is being investigated in a homicide." ME: "WHAT, WHO, WHEN?" Then it clicked, the breaking news that broke this morning of a woman found dead in her apartment.

My arms and legs began to melt with that hot feeling you get whenever something terrible has happened. At least that's what happens to me. I began shaking uncontrollably and could barely say another word. His P.O. said "get a hold of your dad and you guys get down here as soon as you can." I hung up and immediately called my dad. Another call to my dad that when he heard my voice more than likely thought I was calling to tell him Chad was dead. I told my dad what was going on and of course it was like I hit him with a boulder. I told him to get down to AP&P right away and I would meet him there. I then called my boss in, told him what little I knew and asked him to please shut my stuff down.

The drive was on. I was so overcome with emotion and absolute panic and disbelief that making the 15 minute drive, a drive that for the most part is my daily routine, seemed so foreign to me. I don't go to AP&P everyday but I still take the same way everyday to the freeway and get off on the same exit everyday which is near the AP&P office but this was simply too much for me to remember. I made the wrong turn, almost ran a few lights, was in the wrong lane at times all the while tears just streaming down my face and thinking to myself dear God Chad where are you, what happened? This could not be true. What, what, WHAT in the hell happened? There is no way possible that my brother is capable of HOMICIDE. NO WAY!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! This is a HUGE mistake!!

This poor family who along with our family has been shattered and torn to pieces...... who are they? In a matter of hours, her family's lives have been turned upside down and I don't have a single idea of the details, just that my brother may be involved. Somewhere in the mix of this dreadful nightmare, I spoke with a detective from Bountiful and for the life of me have no clue what the conversation was about. I can't even remember his name. And I believe I spoke with my brother "T"and told him why they were looking for Chad but again, I can't remember.

I must have been taking more time than anticipated because Chad's P.O. called me back. That is when I made the wrong turn down the wrong street but told him I'm almost there. I made it before my dad, went in to hear a lady behind the desk abruptly yells out to me "who are you here for." I told her his name and again just as abruptly as they ALWAYS are, she asked if he was expecting me. Not unless somebody is going to slap me out of this nightmare that just begun than yes he is expecting me.

His P.O. came for me and took me down a hallway and into a room where they conduct interviews. Dad hadn't made it there yet. People are walking everywhere in the halls gathering information for this new case on hand plus others I am sure. I felt almost like I was in the middle of an episode of Law & Order myself but this is the REAL DEAL. His P.O. told me he is waiting for an investigator from the prison who is on his way. He asked me if I had any idea who Chad might be with, how to get a hold of him and who this woman was that had passed away. Of course I had no idea the answer to the first two questions but did to the third. Chad knew her from a previous job they both worked together at. When I found out he was using heroin again and kicked him out, she is who he moved in with.

Dad had finally made it. I don't remember the last time I saw my dad cry, but today would be a day I would never forget seeing him cry and break down the way he did. His eyes were bloodshot and filled with tears. His heart is broken. Just like me, he couldn't even think straight. We have definitely been blown right out of our reality. To make things even harder for him, I asked if he called his wife "G". "She's in India." She had to go to India for a month for work but I didn't know that she had already left. Now I'm thinking good hell, now my dad is by himself. Shit will somebody just tell me this is NOT HAPPENING????

The investigator from the prison made it. By this time as well, Chad's name and previous mug-shot were all over the news. My brother"B" and sister "M" had just gotten word and called my dad on his cell phone. Dad lost it when as he tearfully explained as much as he could in about a minute's time. My phone was blowing up with texts from my boyfriend who still had no idea what was going on. I texted him back telling him where I was and what had happened. "WTF!" was all he could text.

We were questioned for about an hour, hour and a half. We went over scenario's of what Chad's next move may or may not be. Who he might contact, where in the valley he might be and who he might be with and ultimately how we can go about setting him up. By this I mean he knows the route my dad takes home everyday after work. There is a Cyprus Credit Union along the way that my dad will meet him occasionally when Chad needs money. The plan was if Chad were to call, dad would meet him there, make all the contacts exactly as he was told too and they would try to get him that way. I was also instructed that if he were to show up at my house who to contact. I had asked if I could make a civil arrest. If I or my boyfriend were able to get a hold of him and hold him down would I be ok in doing so. "Only if you feel if you will be safe doing so." Of course safety is their biggest concern and I totally get that. I also got that there was no way Chad would come to any of our homes or make contact with any of us once he realized how much heat would be on him. I mean if ANYTHING the very last person I know he would make contact with IF he were going to do so would be our dad. The goal was to get him off the streets tonight. He had been officially listed as ARMED & DANGEROUS. Ugh!

We left AP&P with our plans in place. I am scared to death, sick to death, and just want to find my brother. Leaving my dad was NOT what I wanted to do. I didn't want to leave my daddy's side. I just didn't know what to do. Neither on of us did. The whole world is going on with their day. People are out riding their bikes, walking their dogs, driving from point A to B. The wind is still blowing, the clouds are still moving in. LIFE IS STILL GOING ON and I and my dad are just in caught in a freeze frame not having a damn clue what foot to put forth first to continue on. I hugged my dad, got in my car and put my hands and head on my steering wheel and just sobbed. I called my boss and God bless him, he was so supportive. I told him I would be back in tomorrow unless something were to happen through the night.

Picked my boyfriend up and went to the credit union so I could replace my debit card as it wasn't working right. Cops were crawling out of the streets in West Valley. I figured they were on the look out. Ya they were on the look out....for him. It was because a home had just been burglarized in the neighborhood where I once lived, by the credit union, WHICH explains why the cops were everywhere. I found this out through text by a person that knows me and Chad and said it was on the news. The car matched the description of the car that Chad was in. My brother has definitely gone off the deep end and that is putting it VERY lightly.

I got home from the credit union, sit on the couch as nervous as I could be and turned the news on. I received a call from his probation officer. It was a call to prepare me for the worst. A call telling me the actions he, meaning my brother, is showing are those type of actions that seem to be leading to a "suicide by cop" and if Chad does anything to resist or show danger, they will shoot. My eyes welled with tears and my lips began to fidget. I took a deep breath and said to his P.O., "I understand that you will all have to do what you have to do and at this point in this sick hell I'm in with his addiction, I am ready and have been ready for years for that call that he is gone so you do what you have to do." He promised would get Chad off the streets tonight and that he would call me no matter what and I told him it didn't matter what time it was, just call me.

The night went on and all I could do was run scenarios in my head of how this could end. I asked myself if I should start looking for him on my own. I was numb. More numb than I have been in a very long time. My phone has been blowing up with text messages from everybody that knew of the situation going on and every time it rings I'm startled out of my skin. Suddenly I saw an unrecognizable car drive up to my house. I had no clue who it could have been so I put Lacey up and opened the door. It was two Bountiful detectives. I let them in, and asked them to sit down. One of them said "no you go ahead, you need to hear this." Oh hell what now I asked myself. So I sat down and the detective pulled out a tape recorder and asked me if I could identify the voice. It was the message left at her work that by the way was all over the news, stating she wouldn't be in to work because she was ill and the person taking care of her is taking her to the insta-care. The detective asked me if it was my brother. It honestly didn't sound like him to me at first so he played it again and at the end of the message I could then tell it was Chad because of the "wording" he used. Could my stomach flip anymore times today? Could my body take anymore internal hot flashes for the day? Could my body take another blow today and if it could, please let it be hard enough to wake me up from this tragedy.

The detective had a notepad with several names in it asking if I knew any of them. One of them I did. I told the detective what I knew about this person. He asked if I knew where he might live and of course I did. So I found myself crawling into an undercover detective vehicle with scanners, batteries for laptops and a GPS system with windows so dark there was no way I or anybody could be identified in the car. I showed them where this person lived, they dropped me back off to my house and I was left just waiting for that phone call.

I finally gave in and layed my body on my bed. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping much if ANY. All I could think is "Chad please don't run, please don't do anything to cause a huge shoot-out. Okay well if you do, I hope you go quickly and don't suffer anymore than you already have. Where are you at? Will you please call me?" I mean the thoughts just reeled in my head of all the ways this could go down.

At 2:02 am "that call" came. "Mindy wake up, listen to me. We got him." I asked if he was okay. "He's fine, he was asleep in a car. He didn't resist or fight and he is okay." "Okay, THANK YOU SO MUCH for calling me." I hung up and wasn't sure how to feel. Was I happy he was alive knowing what he will be up against for the rest of his life or did I wish that maybe in a way when they found him asleep that he would have been beyond asleep. That his spirit/soul had finally been taken from his already lifeless body and none of us, including Chad would have to struggle in this no win situation of heroin and cocaine addiction anymore. It would be over for Chad, for my dad and for the rest of us. He would FINALLY no longer have to be high to be happy. He wouldn't have to do the unthinkable things he does to get his drugs. He wouldn't be a danger to himself or anybody else. FINALLY it would just be OVER. I wasn't sure how to feel. I just knew that from this very moment our lives will surely never, EVER be the same. Two families lives have been forever broken and I don't know which step to take when I put my feet on the floor tomorrow, IF, God willing, I can pull myself from this bed of mine.

Dark eyes, tracked and bruised & $5.00 in gas.

2010-10-01T19:27:00.010-06:00

Withheld again tonight. It's hard to describe the feeling that comes over me when I see that word pop up on my phone as it's singing "Boom" by P.O.D. In one breath I am relieved. In another I think to myself "shit, what now?" The phone he uses is a piece of shit so it usually takes him calling me back four or five times before we have a solid connection and we can both hear each other talk.

He sounded good!!!! I was surprised. REALLY surprised. But then it came. The question, "Can you do me a HUGE favor?" I immediately think he is going to ask me for money which I would not have given him and thankfully I was wrong. It did involve money and the HUGE favor was him wanting to know if I would put $5.00 of gas in the car he is driving around. "Where do you want to meet" was my question to him. My boyfriend has been so AMAZING and full of support through this last go around with my brother. We have been together for five years so this is nothing new to him. So when I told my boyfriend what I was doing I didn't expect to see the look on his face that came. He asked me if I should be helping my brother. All I could say was "I don't know." I don't question my boyfriend for asking me that question. Of course I know in my heart and mind I should not help my brother in any way, but if I can see him once again and it's reasonable for me to do than I will. $5.00 and a five minute drive didn't seem so unreasonable tonight. I undeniably understand my boyfriends frustration and concern. But he knows how I am and leaves it at that. Yes I'm enabling, I know this!!!! But I also know if my brother asks for something that I am not down to do, he will be told no. I know I am weak at many things when it comes to him but I also know as does my brother and everybody else in my family that I am very strong and can hold my own when the time comes.

When I saw my brother drive next to me in the parking lot, what I saw was completely different than that "good" sound I heard on the phone. I knew by the look on his face he was spracked out of his mind. As I put the gas in the car I asked him if the person who owns the car he drives knows he is a heroin addict and he said "yes". I asked him if this person who owns the car does heroin and he said "yes". My brother was in complete paranoia. Looking all over the place, barely saying two words, dark circles under his eyes, pale and almost disoriented. I told him he should not be driving around while he is as high as he was. I mean seriously, he won't turn himself in because he is scared and because of the new charges that I filed against him for stealing money out of my account which by the way are only misdemeanors, but he will drive around higher than a kite risking everybody's lives who are around him as well as his own. No that's not another charge if he were to get pulled over? UGH!!!! But it's another senseless choice addicts make.

He was wearing the same exact outfit he had on yesterday. I made him show me his arms. Tracked and bruised all the way up. His veins are visibly depleted. Tiny puncture wounds where he has poked himself. I could play dot to dot on his arm, a game I loved as a little girl . There was black residue on his shorts. I know that was the black from the bottom of the spoon where he cooks his dope. It was easy to see he wiped his hands on his shorts and that is how the black got there.

Two seems to be his magic answer when I ask how many balloons he did for the day. I know it's more than that. He isn't fooling me. He said he's stressed out. I don't understand why and even asked why he's stressed out. He just said he is, he's afraid. He's drugged out is what he is. Maybe he is stressed because he's trying to find a way to get his next high and as he explained to me once before, it can be quite a pain in the ass trying to figure out how you're going to get your next hit.

He gave me a hug. Not as tight as yesterday but I won't complain. It still smothered me and I loved it. After all, only God himself knows when those hugs wont be around anymore. His back was sweaty. Another result of the drugs. I asked if he was going home. HOME.....I can't believe I referred too his new place of residence (which I have NO idea where it is) as HOME. When I picture this place that he stays, now knowing the person he is with is also a heroin addict, I can only see darkness with drug paraphernalia lying around. Dark and dingy. No life, no true happiness, just a pit of utter hell with the company of strung out addicts. Definitely not a place to call home.

I got the license plate number and stored it in my phone. When I left my brother I called my dad. "What should I do?. For now, I will hold onto it. Dad's advice. I hope my brother made it back and made it back safely. He is alive but what I saw tonight in him was anything but life. It was more like death standing right at his toes. A paranoid ghost with a tiny bit of life in him. Just enough to keep him breathing.

I returned home. My boyfriend was waiting for me on the porch while his two nephews were running on the grass. Oh how they are so innocent and full of laughter and happiness. Not a care or worry in the world. I remember my brother when that was him. My boyfriend said to me "I'm surprised with the way you are, that you have been able to go on as long as you have with your brother and do what you do for him." All I could say is "sometimes love is your enemy."

WITHHELD

2010-10-01T11:33:00.004-06:00

After two days of not hearing from my brother, not just me but the 3 of us he keeps in contact with, he FINALLY called. I as well as my dad and sister have been stressed out and at times my stomach as done a 360 because I haven't heard a THING. Then yesterday afternoon at 3:50 he called. I knew it was him because it said WITHHELD. He again was high. I asked how many balloons he did today. "Only two" he said. The reason for his call was to ask if I would give him his DVD's.

I went home and packed up his thirty or so DVD's. Also three pair of shorts, four shirts, socks, under ware, flip flops, and his toothbrush. I know I shouldn't hand over any of his belongings after all he has stolen from me and our dad but what am I going to do with his DVD's and clothes. At least I know he has some clean clothes with him for hell sake. He called me and asked me to meet him at Smith's down the street and asked "you wouldn't be setting me up would you?" I told him the truth, "no I am not setting you up". So for the first time since Sunday, September 19th I saw my brother in person and honestly, as I pulled out of my driveway I couldn't WAIT to see him. He gave me that HUGE, tight hug he is known for. He practically smothers me into his chest but it was just what I needed from him. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. I believe he is so full of shame not to mention high and maybe a little agitated so he withdraws from conversation and eye contact. He's thin in the face and pale but not the "pasty death gray" he has been before and he was clean and "seemed" okay. I was relieved.

It was a hot day yesterday so like I expected he was wearing shorts. He also had a long sleeve pull over shirt on. He wears them to hide the track marks that consume his arms/wrists from shooting all the time. I gave him another hug and told him I loved him and to call me. He said "okay, love you too" and off we went. A sighting of less than two minutes. I know his DVD's eventually may end up in the pawn shop to feed himself another high but that's his choice. At least I know for today he is alive and okay and that's enough for me at the moment.

Dear Lord please don't let it be him.

2010-09-29T08:58:00.001-06:00

When my brother goes AWOL and there is a story in the news of a robbery the first thing that comes to my mind is "Dear Lord please don't let it be him". You see, my brother robbed 6 pharmacies 4 years ago. He made away with hundreds of Oxycontin's at the time. He also served 2 years time for this as well. I never, EVER believed my brother could ever do something so drastic but he did. But I also know when my brother is on drugs, he is a COMPLETELY different person than any of us know. That's why it just blows us away...those that know who he really is. It's unbearable at times to realize what addiction does to him.

There were two stories on the news last night. One, a smoke shop had been robbed and two, a man was shot while he entered his apartment to find a burglar stealing his personal belongings. Now my brother has never used a weapon but I have learned over the last 9 years of his on and off again drug use that anything is possible when you are an addict chasing a high. ANYTHING!!! So when I hear these reports of these crimes that have taken place, all I want to know is the description of the suspect or see a picture that was captured. If I can at least see the picture and realize it's not him, I feel my heart begin to pump again and I take a deep breath.

My brother and I had two conversations the night before last. Of course they come from withheld numbers. He was high. I could tell with his crackly voice. I think he was actually coming down but he is miserable. He is a miserable human being who is on a very different level of thinking than the rest of us in his family, well except his mom (my step-mom) of course who her herself is an out of control alcoholic and has been all of her life. But as time goes on, as is the case with my brother, their addiction just gets worse and worse. Getting high is the only way he finds happiness. I know it's sick and sad but it is what it is for him. He is so conquered with pain and anger that getting high is his way of not dealing with the very reality of who he is, what he has done and what has happened in the past. Being high keeps him comfortably numb.

He has convinced himself if he turns himself in he is going to prison. This may very well be the case. I asked him "are you afraid of going to prison?" He said he is not but he is afraid of the time he will do. That totally confuses me. He has no desire to live, does not want any responsibilities so really unless this addiction to kills him first, he has nothing but time. Eventually he will be apprehended and the longer he runs the worse off he will be, unless of course he dies. He can't run forever but convincing him of this is a whole other issue. So unfortunately, there is no possibility at this point of him turning himself in.

After 53 minutes and 11 seconds of our phone conversation, he promised he would call me everyday or at least every other day letting me know he is ok and safe. Really I just want to hear his voice so I know he is still alive. I told him no matter who he is, what he has done or what happens, I love him with all of my heart, UNCONDITIONALLY. Yes that's right, I love my brother who is a heroin/cocaine addict. I love my brother who has robbed pharmacies and stolen from me and others in the family and is now a convicted felon. I love my brother who has made a complete mess of his life over the last 9 years and caused us all a HUGE amount of pain and worry. Yes that's right....I still love him and always will.

She said some pretty mean things to me.

2010-09-23T13:27:00.002-06:00

Today is my baby sister's birthday. Happy birthday Thana. I was at Chili's today for lunch with my hilarious southern belle friend whom I work with. While digging in my purse, I realized my phone was ringing. I looked at the screen and it said "Withheld" meaning the number was blocked. I knew who was calling; my brother. I answered it but answered too late. He hung up and never called back. He also didn't leave a message. This heroin addict doesn't leave messages for those that have been involved in the very thick of his disease.

On my return to the office I tried to call my dad to no avail. So I called my sister to wish her a happy birthday. I told her I got a call from a withheld number. She told me it was my brother. She talked to him earlier and she told him needed to call me. When he asked her why, she told him "because she loves you and is worried about you." He said "well she said some pretty mean things to me." My sister explained to him how I was pissed and rightfully so, and when people are pissed at that level, they say things they don't mean. So in light of his hurt feelings because of my out of control tongue on Sunday, September 19th, 2010 let me go back and explain just what happened.

This is the THIRD time my brother has lived with me in the last 9 years. I am unfortunately what is referred to as a "mother hen" or a "nurturer" and I have been so since I was a baby girl. When my sister was born, she was MY baby. It's a trait that the good Lord gave me and as hard as I have tried to strip myself of it....it never goes away. UGH!!!!! I opened my home to my brother again after his last "THIRD time served" (THIRD seems to be the lucky number) in the county jail. It wasn't supposed to happen for a third time, him moving back in with me, it was only supposed to be for a few days.

I however, don't have the stomach or conscious to willfully live in a warm home with food in my stomach knowing somebody in my family, especially somebody so close to me as he is, lives on the streets or in a homeless shelter. Not at the ripe, young age of 27. I know all about the "tough love" and I KNOW I shouldn't care after all we have been through but it's just not who I am. It's just not me. I have TRIED to change, I have TRIED to walk away and I have TRIED to be hard and say noooo way but at the end of the day, he is still my brother. A brother I have taken care of along with my dad for a number of years.

It was a very cold day. Extremely overcast. I believe it even snowed that day. He was released early that morning but I couldn't get too him until I got off work. So my amazing dad picked him up from jail, gave him his heavy work coat, got him something to eat and gave him a few bucks and he took the bus to the mall. He watched movies all day at the mall until I was once again able to swoop him up and carry him under my wing.

He has been living with me since April. On Sunday September 19th, I got up early that morning. My oldest son had texted me late the night before. He is out of state completing his second year of jr. college. I'm so proud of him. He had a friend in town and wanted to know if I could get him some food and send him a little money and his friend would be at the house later in the day to pick them up. Of course I would do this. He is my son. While drinking my cup of Joe and going through the grocery ads, my brother with his EXTREMELY heavy feet plowed up the stairs sounding like a herd of elephants like always. He asked if he could use my card to get a refill (Big Gulp). I reached into my purse and handed him my change and said "here, use this." He said well I want to get some breakfast taquitos. So off he went with my debit card.

I haven't felt right the last couple of weeks with him. His daily routine had changed. He wasn't looking or feeling well. Things just weren't right once again. So I went downstairs while he left for his "refill and breakfast taquitos." I got on the computer and looked up my account and immediate confusion and fear embraced my body. My account was approximately $600.00 short from what it was on Friday the 17th. I got this hot, hot rush over my body. I felt like I was suffocating and couldn't find air anywhere. "My house payment hasn't cleared, oh my hell it's going to bounce. I have no money to buy what my son needs. I have no money for groceries." These thoughts just literally racing through my mind and I couldn't turn them off. "What am I going to do?"

I ran upstairs. I yelled for my boyfriend gasping for air. I was crying the hardest I have cried in a long time. I was fighting my way through heavy air trying to climb my staircase in my home. I made it to the top, held onto the railing and again gasping for air, yelled for my boyfriend's name. I went around the corner and ran into his arms. I said "he has taken $420.00 out of my account." My boyfriend COULD NOT believe it. He just couldn't believe it. You could see the color slowly run from his face. I cried in the pit of his chest telling him my house payment was going to bounce and I have no money for groceries. I was so confused and in such a daze, as if I had been punched or drugged myself. I had to ask my boyfriend if I was the one who took that money out. I knew in my heart I didn't but my mind wouldn't register the same feeling. Money is tight right now so I'm watching what I spend. I have never withdrawn that kind of money "just to have" and not remember what I've done with it. I let go of him running for my phone STILL gasping for air. I frantically tried calling my brother and of all times for my phone to freeze up it was at that very moment. I pushed and pushed every button I could but the damn phone wouldn't cooperate. My boyfriend grabbed his phone and said "here." At the very moment I pushed the green call button on his phone, my brother pulled up.

I ran outside screaming at him. Screaming "where is my money". I will NEVER forget the look on his face. He knew exactly what I was talking about and he knew he was caught. I went down the stairs of my porch and over to him. I yelled at him the same words I cried to my boyfriend over my mortgage payment. I was SO disappointed, hurt, angry and ashamed again and my body just let go. I started hitting him. I pushed him, I slapped him and even punched him. I was in such a darkness that I couldn't even think straight. All the while asking him how he could do this again. "How long have you been using again" I asked. He said "a week." Another lie from his mouth. It's been longer than that.

I ran in the house to call my dad. My niece answered the phone and as I'm crying hysterically, I told her I needed to talk to grandpa. He got on the phone and I KNOW his heart must have stopped dead in its beats the moment he heard my voice. I know he thought I was making the call we have all waited for so many times. He thought I was trying to tell him I found him...I found him dead in my house. Overdosed on heroin. Fortunately I didn't have to one, find his dead body anywhere in my home and two, I didn't have to make the most horrifying call a parent dreads to ever get. The call that their child is dead.

My dad told me "calm down, tell me what's goin on?" I did. He dropped everything he was doing and drove to my house. My brother came in the house, went in his room, locked the door and came out with his phone and wallet. I said "how could you do this. Why do you think I am your bank? I have children I have done everything I can to help you when nobody else wouldn't or couldn't. I let you take my car when you had your classes and for anything else you needed. I have done SO MUCH." He said "because I'm a piece of shit drug addict. I don't care about anything, whether I live or die." At that moment I grasped what air I could and said "oh God just do it then." He looked at me and said "you remember what you said because it will be on you when I do it" and he left.

This is what he means when he says "She said some pretty mean things to me" to our sister. I know what I said and this is nothing I haven't said to him before. For me, after all these years of going up and down with this addiction, years of him threatening he will take his life, I almost wish he would finally just pass away. Please just take enough and finally let go. He will no longer have to suffer from the demons that ravage his body. He will no longer have to run from the very reality that he can't stand to face. He can be free of the pain that eats him alive and he won't have to open his eyes every morning and face another day. His addiction, our addiction, will once and for all be over. It will have come to a stop with no chance of relapse. We can all somehow move forward hoping the heaven's have embraced your soul and you are happy, safe and most of all, clean.

I KNOW it's terrible. I KNOW I will have to answer to these thoughts but I am so tired of my brother being an addict. I am so tired of fighting for his sobriety when he won't fight himself. I'm so tired of supporting him even when he is working and paying to live with me. I'm so tired of him taking the life out of our dad. I'm tired, I'm TIRED, gosh damn it I'm TIRED!!!!!

I hate heroin and don't even have my own love affair to brag about it because thankfully I have never used it. I say love affair because that's how he describes it. It's a love affair that takes over every piece of functionality you have and it seduces you in a far different way than an actual love affair with a human does but provides the very same excitement you get when you are with that "other" person. Your warm, your fuzzy, your caught up in the rush and you are loving every minute of the feeling it gives you.

I did say some mean things Sunday morning and I'm sorry. Things I probably shouldn't have said but I did and can't take them back. But you also stole money from my checking account for the brown tar in a syringe to shoot through your already fragile veins so you can escape the reality that haunts your soul and mind. I'm sorry if you feel what I said was "mean" or "hurtful". They were meant to be. I wasn't going to sugarcoat the fact you are using my home, my car, my son's car AND my money to feed your addiction. YOU hurt me too and I still love you more than you will ever know.

An opening.

2010-09-22T14:52:00.004-06:00

My name is Mindy. I am their first born, sister to four siblings, aunt to 5 nieces and nephews, friend too and with MANY and most importantly, blessed beyond belief to be a mother to two AMAZING children of my very own. I am surviving a life riddled with guilt and pain over my sweet brother's drug addiction. A brother who's soul is owned by a spoon, balloon and a needle. An addiction that has carried on with its gut-wrenching ways for approximately 9 years.

Typing is so much easier for me than writing in a journal so I started this blog to put my feelings on a board. To help me open up and let go of the feelings that grip my heart sometimes so hard that I feel like I have to pinch myself to make sure I am still breathing.

At times my posts will be depressing I know. Maybe to much information to be given. But I say it as it is because that's the way it is and if it isn't something you want to read, than please don't read my blog. The fact is, my brother is a HEROIN addict and I along with those closest to him in our family are impaled by his addiction just as much as he is. This is just not his addiction. It has become all of ours.