Dark eyes, tracked and bruised & $5.00 in gas.

Withheld again tonight. It's hard to describe the feeling that comes over me when I see that word pop up on my phone as it's singing "Boom" by P.O.D. In one breath I am relieved. In another I think to myself "shit, what now?" The phone he uses is a piece of shit so it usually takes him calling me back four or five times before we have a solid connection and we can both hear each other talk.

He sounded good!!!! I was surprised. REALLY surprised. But then it came. The question, "Can you do me a HUGE favor?" I immediately think he is going to ask me for money which I would not have given him and thankfully I was wrong. It did involve money and the HUGE favor was him wanting to know if I would put $5.00 of gas in the car he is driving around. "Where do you want to meet" was my question to him. My boyfriend has been so AMAZING and full of support through this last go around with my brother. We have been together for five years so this is nothing new to him. So when I told my boyfriend what I was doing I didn't expect to see the look on his face that came. He asked me if I should be helping my brother. All I could say was "I don't know." I don't question my boyfriend for asking me that question. Of course I know in my heart and mind I should not help my brother in any way, but if I can see him once again and it's reasonable for me to do than I will. $5.00 and a five minute drive didn't seem so unreasonable tonight. I undeniably understand my boyfriends frustration and concern. But he knows how I am and leaves it at that. Yes I'm enabling, I know this!!!! But I also know if my brother asks for something that I am not down to do, he will be told no. I know I am weak at many things when it comes to him but I also know as does my brother and everybody else in my family that I am very strong and can hold my own when the time comes.

When I saw my brother drive next to me in the parking lot, what I saw was completely different than that "good" sound I heard on the phone. I knew by the look on his face he was spracked out of his mind. As I put the gas in the car I asked him if the person who owns the car he drives knows he is a heroin addict and he said "yes". I asked him if this person who owns the car does heroin and he said "yes". My brother was in complete paranoia. Looking all over the place, barely saying two words, dark circles under his eyes, pale and almost disoriented. I told him he should not be driving around while he is as high as he was. I mean seriously, he won't turn himself in because he is scared and because of the new charges that I filed against him for stealing money out of my account which by the way are only misdemeanors, but he will drive around higher than a kite risking everybody's lives who are around him as well as his own. No that's not another charge if he were to get pulled over? UGH!!!! But it's another senseless choice addicts make.

He was wearing the same exact outfit he had on yesterday. I made him show me his arms. Tracked and bruised all the way up. His veins are visibly depleted. Tiny puncture wounds where he has poked himself. I could play dot to dot on his arm, a game I loved as a little girl . There was black residue on his shorts. I know that was the black from the bottom of the spoon where he cooks his dope. It was easy to see he wiped his hands on his shorts and that is how the black got there.

Two seems to be his magic answer when I ask how many balloons he did for the day. I know it's more than that. He isn't fooling me. He said he's stressed out. I don't understand why and even asked why he's stressed out. He just said he is, he's afraid. He's drugged out is what he is. Maybe he is stressed because he's trying to find a way to get his next high and as he explained to me once before, it can be quite a pain in the ass trying to figure out how you're going to get your next hit.

He gave me a hug. Not as tight as yesterday but I won't complain. It still smothered me and I loved it. After all, only God himself knows when those hugs wont be around anymore. His back was sweaty. Another result of the drugs. I asked if he was going home. HOME.....I can't believe I referred too his new place of residence (which I have NO idea where it is) as HOME. When I picture this place that he stays, now knowing the person he is with is also a heroin addict, I can only see darkness with drug paraphernalia lying around. Dark and dingy. No life, no true happiness, just a pit of utter hell with the company of strung out addicts. Definitely not a place to call home.

I got the license plate number and stored it in my phone. When I left my brother I called my dad. "What should I do?. For now, I will hold onto it. Dad's advice. I hope my brother made it back and made it back safely. He is alive but what I saw tonight in him was anything but life. It was more like death standing right at his toes. A paranoid ghost with a tiny bit of life in him. Just enough to keep him breathing.

I returned home. My boyfriend was waiting for me on the porch while his two nephews were running on the grass. Oh how they are so innocent and full of laughter and happiness. Not a care or worry in the world. I remember my brother when that was him. My boyfriend said to me "I'm surprised with the way you are, that you have been able to go on as long as you have with your brother and do what you do for him." All I could say is "sometimes love is your enemy."

WITHHELD

After two days of not hearing from my brother, not just me but the 3 of us he keeps in contact with, he FINALLY called. I as well as my dad and sister have been stressed out and at times my stomach as done a 360 because I haven't heard a THING. Then yesterday afternoon at 3:50 he called. I knew it was him because it said WITHHELD. He again was high. I asked how many balloons he did today. "Only two" he said. The reason for his call was to ask if I would give him his DVD's.

I went home and packed up his thirty or so DVD's. Also three pair of shorts, four shirts, socks, under ware, flip flops, and his toothbrush. I know I shouldn't hand over any of his belongings after all he has stolen from me and our dad but what am I going to do with his DVD's and clothes. At least I know he has some clean clothes with him for hell sake. He called me and asked me to meet him at Smith's down the street and asked "you wouldn't be setting me up would you?" I told him the truth, "no I am not setting you up". So for the first time since Sunday, September 19th I saw my brother in person and honestly, as I pulled out of my driveway I couldn't WAIT to see him. He gave me that HUGE, tight hug he is known for. He practically smothers me into his chest but it was just what I needed from him. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. I believe he is so full of shame not to mention high and maybe a little agitated so he withdraws from conversation and eye contact. He's thin in the face and pale but not the "pasty death gray" he has been before and he was clean and "seemed" okay. I was relieved.

It was a hot day yesterday so like I expected he was wearing shorts. He also had a long sleeve pull over shirt on. He wears them to hide the track marks that consume his arms/wrists from shooting all the time. I gave him another hug and told him I loved him and to call me. He said "okay, love you too" and off we went. A sighting of less than two minutes. I know his DVD's eventually may end up in the pawn shop to feed himself another high but that's his choice. At least I know for today he is alive and okay and that's enough for me at the moment.