Friday, January 28, 2011

Running on empty.

Since Wednesday, 1-26, my life has been anything but calm and collective. It's been an absolute rat race. I had been anxiously waiting for Chad to call me back all afternoon. I got a call alright, but it wasn't the call I was waiting for and it wasn't Chad. Let me give you a run down!!
*3:15-the boyfriend calls and says "babe, meet me at the hospital, I think I cut my finger off." Because he's such a joker I didn't believe him so I said"ya right." "No babe, I'm serious, here talk to "J" (co-worker)." Sure enough, they were taking him to the emergency room.
*3:45-I arrived at the emergency room. There he was....tears gently falling from his eyes when he saw me. Finger had been numbed with whatever that stuff is...Lidocaine maybe?
*Taken for x-rays.
*Surgeon comes in, looks at his finger. I had to remove myself from the room to prevent myself from fainting. Some things I can handle but not a table saw injury. EW!
*Form signed for surgery, (it's gonna be a long night). E.R. staff comes in and says it's time to get you prepped for surgery.
*Phone rings. It was a 435 number so I almost didn't answer thinking it might have been work, but I did anyways. IT WAS MY CHAD!!! :):):)
*Left the room to talk to my brother who's voice I haven't heard in 2 months besides earlier today when I heard him say his name. He is doing wonderful. He has been transferred to another facility. He sounded so, so good. He said he is doing good, he's fine, no problems and much to my surprise, he sounded "happy." He was happy, he is happy. Sigh. It seems like such an oxymoron to me....prison...happy. We talked for over 20 minutes. He loves us all, he thinks of us and hello to you all from Chad.
*O.R. nurse comes to get me. I walk with her to the O.R. I kissed him, I told him I loved him and I'll be waiting when he's done.
*5:45 in the waiting room. Phone is almost dead. Here comes "D's" brother and kids. Kinda nice to have somebody to talk too. He showed me the picture of "D"s finger that he sent to him thinking I had already seen it. NOT!!!! So pukingly gross!
*8:00 phone is completely dead. Surgeon comes to tell me what he did. The blade of the saw went all the way through his bone longitudely, from the tip of his finger all the way through the top and hit the knuckle on his hand. Bone graft, tendon & ligament repair, 2 pins and about 20 stitches on the outside (not counting those on the inside.) Thankfully it was a new blade on the saw and and a dull one. A dull one could have ripped his finger apart rather than the nice cut he got from the new blade. Icing on the cake is this day full of this traumatic event was also my loves birthday. :( NOT a happy birthday for "D" at all.
*8:45 in his room. Sick from anesthesia he was. Pin sticking out of his finger and his arm in a spongebob looking apparatus.
*7:00 am, 1-27, waking up. I shouldn't stay that since I never really slept and neither did "D" for that matter.
*9:00 am, visit from the surgeon. Discharged from the hospital and off to his work to make the accident report AND take a drug test. Uhhh just a little worrisome being that he underwent emergency surgery and of course has pain medication going through his system. Assured he will be ok.
*Off to get the drug test. Back to work to drop off the copy of the drug test request and proof it was done. And of course everybody wants to talk to him and see how he is which I so understand but hello people, I am tired, I am hungry...I have had nothing to eat since yesterday at lunch...I am running on NOTHING and it is not a pretty sight to see me without sleep or food so please let us go home so he and I can both get some rest AND FOOD in our bellies. I mean the two of us have only been up since 5:30 the morning before. Ya and of course it's all about me. I know that's what is sounds like but I was really thinking for both of us haha.
*Stopped at the store. Went STRAIGHT to the bakery for a good ol' fashioned donut. Reams are the BEST! I love the crunch as you bite into it. Yummmmmmy!
*On our way home. Dropped him off. SWALLOWED my donut. Off to get prescriptions filled. Man I am so tired. I just want to lay down.
*45 minutes later back home. Pills popped, in my jammies and on the couch. Yippy, so I thought. Lacey was having nothing to do with letting me relax. She wanted to play. No no no no no no. And how could I be mean to her? She hasn't seen us at all for many hours. How could I expect her to just let me lay down after all I've been doing. Headache kicks in.
*Try to take a nap. Not happening. Lord it's going to be another long night.
*Chad called again. Had a good 20 minute conversation, not so rushed this time. He was getting ready to go to the yard. Things are on the up & up for him which I still just can't grasp. Prison...happy. Hmmmm. BUT, I'm easing with less hurt I guess you could say. Maybe not. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
*Dinner cooked. Laundry in. "D" is fed. The night is settling and I will soon be to sleep.
*9:00 done for the night. It's time to finally, FINALLY go to bed. "D" is set up downstairs so Miss. Lacey doesn't jump all over him. Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.
*4:30 this morning, phone rings. It's "D" asking for some water. Oh how I feel so bad for him and damn I am still so tired. I can't wait for it to be Saturday morning so I can sleep in. Water taken, pills popped, bathroom run, and back on the couch he went.
*Back in bed for me. Alarm goes off 30 minutes later and I hit snooze for the next hour. It's going to be a long day.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

CRAP, just my luck!

Seven o'clock this morning I got a call from a 1-800 number. I get a ton of solicitation calls on my cell, EVEN after I have put my number on the "do not call list" so as usual, I hit the REEEEJECT button.

When I got to work I called the number back. It was to the company that sets up accounts for inmates and those of on the outside to receive collect calls on our cell phones since none of us have land lines anymore. A representative must have been trying to reach me from the company to get my account up and going. I went ahead and set up the account on the website but left my debit card at home so I couldn't put any money on it.

A couple hours later, another call from the same number but when I answered, it sounded like the connection didn't go through. I didn't call back because it's an automated system. I am so busy at work so I figured if they call back again, I will get it taken care. it comes again, that same number. I answered it and the recording says "you have a collect call from".......CHAD!!!!!! Gasp! But I couldn't accept the call because I didn't have money yet on my stupid account that I set up online this morning to receive these calls. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!! It was the first time I have heard my brothers actual voice in over two months. It's the first time in two weeks for communication and I was NOT prepared and ON TOP of things and because of my slacking, I missed his call. Not just one call but all four of them....didn't answer the first two, the third one didn't connect and the fourth one, where I heard him say his name, couldn't be accepted because of the almighty $. Hopefully he heard me say on the other end of the line I would put money on the account for him to call me, I doubt it though. Did I say CRAP!!!

I scurried to call my dad. I asked him for his debit card information so if Chad called back, I would get the call. He hasn't written in two weeks and I KNOW he's been moved to general population so I have too do this. As usual my dad comes through and all I keep saying to myself is "call back....please call me back." My phone will NOT be out of my sight for sure now.

It will be just my luck that there is now money on the account to accept his call and he won't call again today. ~My head has just hit my desk with such disappoinment with myself and nausea in my gut.~

Pleeeeeeease Chad, please please please call me Please!!!!!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Aren't they beautiful?

Monday mornings are hardly my favorite! I hate having to detach myself from my warm, comfy pillows and blankets, away from the man I love and my sweet, but very heavy dog who somehow finds a way too wiggle her way through both of our bodies in the dead of night.
But THIS Monday morning was different than the rest because I got a call from my sissy at 7:02 a.m., which is 6:02 a.m. her time. It was strange to see her calling so early. Early morning communication is a rarity with the two of us, especially on a weekday morning. It has been a super, duper long time since I have had pillow talk with "M". Usually I would tell her I'd call her back so I could get on my way to work but not this time. Nope. I put all aside and lived with her in the moment, 450 miles away, laughing as if we were in the same room with each other. It was precious.
She and I both have dogs, however hers is a "rental" without having to pay, and my dog is actually mine. I say rental because the dog she has, Grrr is her name, actually belongs to her old neighbors. Because of the economy, they had to find another place to live and sadly weren't able to take Grrr with the time. So my sister and brother-in-law volunteered to take Grrr until they could find another home where she would be able to stay. It's been 3 months and I am told it will be soon when Grrr will go back with her original owners. :( Oh how I'm glad I won't be there to witness that farewell. Terrible it will be.....just terrible!!

These dogs of ours are quite clever and VERY smart. They know just where they fit in the household. For instance, my Lacey has learned how to open the dish-towel drawer in the kitchen and pull one out, running off with it in her mouth. I was STUNNED when I realized what she had done. Lord help me. Before I know it she will be opening the front door and making a beeline for the streets. YIKES! My Lacey also knows how to twist off the caps to the plastic bottles that contain our water, soda-pop, and any other drink we carry around. She hides her raw-hide bone when she's tired of chewing she did in one of my plant's. I couldn't understand for the life of me WHY she kept messing with that plant. Little did I know she had planted her own plant, her bone, in my plant. I had NO idea until I re-potted the damn thing and found the end piece of her bone in the dirt. No wonder she kept digging in it.
If she sees that you are watching you her "hide her bone", she removes it and finds another safe place for it. REALLY Lacey? Like we are really going to gnaw on her soggy, dirty, gross bone the very minute you are tired of it. El wrongo!
It was an amusing conversation with my sissy. Great to laugh so early in the morning. She told me to check my email when I got to work. She sent me pictures of Grrr.

Look at those faces. Are these two girls beautiful or WHAT? Yes, Grrr sleeps with "M" and my brother-in-law as well, even under the covers. "M" informed me during our comical phone conversation that Grrr "spoons her". See what I mean when I say how terrible it will be to let her go? I mean look at the smile on that dogs face. I have never wanted to breed Lacey. I don't want to bother with it and I don't want to deal with squealing puppies once again. I might just have to face the music and do it so "M" can have a new puppy she can call her own. I don't know...that's a LOT of music to face. Maybe I'll just let her rent Lacey for a short, very short, period of time.
What an amazing way to start my work week. I hope the rest of the week goes as great as this morning did. Thanks "M". You are the best sister one could ever have and I'm proud and so honored to say you are my baby sister. I heart you like crazy and miss you tremendously!!!! I can't wait to laugh with you face to face.
I haven't heard from Chad now in 2 weeks. I was sure I would get a letter from him last week but I didn't. I'm thinking...more like reeling, that he has been put in general population. I so hope, if he has, he is ok and "adapting" to the situation. And I also hope he knows how very much he is loved by me and the rest of us, no matter the circumstances.
"B" is doing much better. I visited with him yesterday and the swelling and redness on the outside are gone. He is starting to eat solid foods and able to talk better. They haven't caught the guy who did this and "B" is leaving it in the hands of the detectives. He's a pretty amazing kid! It was so good having time with him, laughing with him, and being sister and brother. Kindred moments they are. I'm blessed!!

Friday, January 21, 2011


It's Friday, the last day of the work week. The last day I will have to drive this way until next week. Listening to the radio as I always do came a song that Chad and I both love and one that explains just what my, Chad's and probably my siblings feelings were at different times while enduring the trenches of Chad's drug addiction and you guessed it, the tears began to flow.
It's a song by Slipknot titled Snuff and here's the lyrics. You can also listen to the actual song since it's in my play list at the very bottom of the page. Just click on the title.
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins.
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know.
My heart is just to dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know.
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss.
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.
So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go.
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul.
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself.
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same.
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago.
If you still care don't ever let me now

I can reflect back on many memories the words of this song bring to my mind. Memories of being so fed up that I didn't want to hear anymore of what Chad had to say. I didn't want to listen to his shame. At times I felt like he was punishing me when he used or relapsed for loving him so much because I would do anything to keep him clean, to save him. He and I, and "M" and him, had several one-on-one, heart to heart talks. There are things she knows about him, his pain, his anger that I don't know and vice verse. Sacred secrets buried in our skin. And on days when I want to hear his voice, I read his letters, some years old, and press them to my lips. When his body was soaked with heroin, his heart was dark and he didn't care. He ran rather than faced who he had become. Chad refused to fight! I did sell Chad out. I would call his probation officer at any hint of a relapse when he lived with me in 2008 after doing 2 years in the county jail for the robberies. But while I was selling him out, he out-witted me because he knew that I knew he was using again. He was always able to pull a fast one when he was called in to test. He would always pass.
I even wished MANY times he wasn't my brother. It would have been so much easier for me to hurt him if I didn't love him so damn much.
Until one can realize addiction is a disease, and it took me a LONG time too realize, it's easy too judge, too hate, too deny, too run and too ignore. I did them all. I thought Chad could just get over it. I felt like he was using it as an excuse, a crutch so he didn't have to do right, a reason for him to not be responsible or be accountable for his sins. I was wrong. VERY wrong.
On another note, my little brother "B" is very sore but hanging in there. I saw him Wednesday night after work. I got more of the story from him and after hearing what I heard, I believe he was set up.
When "B" told the girl not to come over, she said well we're going to anyways and they did. She came in with 2 of her girlfriends. "B" said he asked her why she came over and he had to go to bed and because so everybody was leaving. She said they wanted to come over and hang out for a while. There was another knock at the door. He answered it and it was 2 males that he had never seen or met. One of them, (the idiot who punched him) was the boyfriend to one of the girls that was there. When he walked in he introduced himself as "Snoop". "B" said he had told everybody nicely he needed them to leave. They kept telling him to relax and chill they wanted to hang out. "B" was getting irritated and becoming more insistent they leave. I guess when they finally gave in, they all walked to the door and that's when the "B" was hit and the guy ran out of his apartment yelling crip love.
"B" and I believe it was a set up because he has only known this twit (who by the way has a warrant herself) for a little over a month. She has come to his place a couple times hanging out with friends and he has been at his friends hanging out and she has been there. She had plenty of time to "case" "B's" place. She calls "B", asks to come over and when she's told no, she shows up anyways. Hint #1. And rather than all of them coming in together, the guys come about 5 minutes later, "B" was not expecting anybody else, let alone anybody that he didn't know to show up. Hint #2. When "B" kept telling them they had to leave, they were telling HIM to chill, to relax...they just wanted to hang out. Hint #3. That's why I think he was set up.
"B" doesn't have a lot but what he does have he has paid a lot of money for. Overtime, he has bought expensive household items and it would definitely not be easy for him to replace those items. I will be talking to my little brother about obtaining renter's insurance and I'll pay it to make sure he's covered!! There will be no debating that issue.
He is in pain and it took him over an hour to eat a bowl of c
cereal yesterday but he's part of our bloodline and with that comes strength. Just to prove his strength, he got up early this morning to take his care to get the emissions so he can get his registration. Honestly. As time heals his broken mouth, he's gonna come out shinin all over again.
Below is a picture of "B's" mouth. WARNING: it's gross.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

So much for enough.

God must really think our family can carry a LOT of weight on our shoulders. Things keep happening and we have no choice but to face it, in other words we're FORCED too, ugh!
I missed a call from my dad this morning while on my way to work. Not only did I miss his call but he left a message, which I didn't bother to listen too, instead I just called him back. Right away.....something was wrong and I knew it. His voice is a dead give away and for once it didn't involve Chad but did involve my youngest brother "B".
Dad says, "I'm over at "B's" house there was an incident here last night and he has been in the hospital all night." I said, so much for enough and my bitch alarm has JUST GONE OFF!!!
This is the scoop:
"B" had a couple friends over last night at his place. He received a call from a girl whom he met a few weeks ago through other friends. She wanted to go to "B's" house but he told her no, he didn't want anybody else coming over. SHE SHOWED UP ANYWAY, with two male friends that my brother doesn't know. According to my dad, "B" kept telling them he wanted them to leave, he had to go to bed because he had to go to work. They wouldn't leave after he kept telling them.....really.....who does that?
I guess they finally gave in so one of the "punks" who was with this girl, walked up to my brother to give him a high five and instead of doing so, cold-cocked him right in the face.
By 10:30 in the evening, "B" was in the emergency room. Thankfully the friend who was at his house with him was smart, thoughtful and caring enough to ONE, make sure "B" got to the hospital and TWO, make sure our dad was notified.
Here are the results of this idiots fist....ONE PUNCH by the way:
*Surgery...had a bridge put in his mouth.
*Broken bones in his jaw area.
*Two (I think) teeth knocked out.
*SEVERAL stitches.
*Swollen lips about 10 times the size they should be.
There is extensive damage but they don't know how extensive yet and won't know until the swelling goes down. BUT it is extensive enough that the surgeon kind of thinks the punk had something in his hand such as brass knuckles or an object of some sort to create that type of damage with one hit. "B" doesn't know if he had anything or not...he wasn't expecting THIS!
The police were called and since "B" had her phone number, they are going to trace the cell number and hopefully be able to find her. She however, must be willing to cooperate and give his information so he can be found, arrested and charged with assault. This punk is apparently gang affiliated and has a street name as well. When you're labeled gang affiliated you have been in trouble with the law. So hopefully this piece of shit has outstanding warrants and is an easy catch.
Dad and "B" got back to his apartment around 5 this morning. Several hours later, I got another call from dad. He had taken "B" to back to the hospital because he's bleeding profusely and can't get it to stop.
Can I just say that yes my emotion level is extremely high right now and I would love to get a hold of this girl, who just SHOWED UP after being told no ANNNNND brought two guys to my brothers house he didn't know who ended up bashing my brother's face in, and "mop her ass up!!!!!!" As you can imagine, his 2 older sisters and older brother "T" are just a tad impossible to tame right now. All hell could potentially break loose. YOU DON'T MESS WITH OUR FAMILY and for most families, I think the same applies to them as well!!!
"B" is a really good kid who has his own apartment, his own car, works 2 jobs and just lives life as it goes day by day. He is the "cork" in our family, Chad gave him that nick-name. He is hysterical, comical, UNBELIEVABLY independent, and just an all around loving and FUN kid. Doesn't take much seriously just rolls with the punches. Ew...that's not a good analogy considering the latest....sorry "B". I will be visiting with him tonight and taking Friday off to watch him and take him to the surgeon's office.
Well Dear God, if you're listening. I know you have given me and the rest of my family really strong shoulders to carry situation's such as this (along with so much else). And while I can't speak for the others, I'm really kind of getting tired of the weight. I'm kind of tired of the emotional roller-coaster I've been on this week. Sometimes it's just unbearable and I'm kindly asking for a break some time in the really near future. So while I trust you will work on that for me as well as hit the "be nice" button on my bitch alarm, please help my brother get better, please put your hand on mine and everybody else's "STRONG" shoulders and keep us from dishing out too those that hurt our little man "B" what they so rightfully deserve :). ~Amen~

Monday, January 17, 2011

My own relapse!

In my last post I mentioned that my heart is beginning to ease. No sooner did I say that and I myself, relapsed into a puddle of hurt feelings all over again. And it was happy news that triggered my hurt and even stirred up a little anger. Now mind you, I have yet to experience any feelings of anger at this point. I guess for all intensive purposes, my emotional roller-coaster has fired up.

I know you must be wondering "what was the happiest news" that got my pot boiling. I got a text last night while making dinner. It was from a friend of Chad's who he himself, has struggled with addiction. He and Chad were in the CATS program at the county jail and became REALLY good friends. They had so much in common besides their drug addictions. And while they were not supposed to be in contact with one another when they were released from jail, a stipulation of their probation, they broke that rule and did so anyways. It was a "good" friendship these two had and they both tried hard to support the other one through their road to sobriety.

Well his friend has had his own issues fighting sobriety after Chad went away and was consequently jailed. So in his text last night, he put my curiosity to rest and told me he was jailed until a spot opened at a local rehab here in the city. That spot opened and he was released.

Of course I was elated for him. I was happy to hear he was "being set up for SUCCESS", not failure, and he's happy. A word that is hard for an addict to admit..."happy". Support is imperative and easy IF you're willing. They can't do it alone and certainly can't do so without support, so I definitely want to be there for those facing this uphill battle. He promised he would keep me informed of his progress and I look forward to good news from him. Then suddenly, I crashed. My feelings started to whirl-wind. I again found myself smiling.... for him.... and crying inside for my brother.

WHY was my brother not given the chance at rehab? WHY did the system put him through the same program, TWICE, when it was obvious he needed SO MUCH MORE? WHY were we, his family, told when we called hospitals, rehabs and detox centers over the years they wouldn't take my brother because he had no insurance, no job, and wanted THOUSANDS of dollars to enter him into a program that might not even prevail to his benefit? Drug addicts for the most part don't have insurance or money because they don't have a job!! They can't hold a job!! And a drug addict certainly doesn't have thousands of dollars stuffed away for when they decide, if ever, that they want to enter rehab and get clean....once and for all.

Chad was put through the CATS program in the county jail as I said, twice. It's a 6 month program that teaches substance abusers life skills and I don't know what else. And when Chad's most recent relapse began to reak havoc, when he took the money from my checking account to get high, I called his p.o. in a panic and he PROMISED me he would get Chad help, he would put him through the CATS program again. Well sorry to inform you....but CATS was NOT enough for Chad. He didn't just need to be rehabilitated, he needed serious and intense counseling. He needed to receive extremely intense treatment for a raging drug addiction to a drug that is one of the hardest to overcome, heroin!

I'm not solely blaming the system for Chad's failure, I'm just simply asking why! I hear of so many people who are court-ordered to a treatment facility that is "inpatient" for their abuse, whether it's alcohol or drug or whatever the addiction may be. Naturally they have the option to walk out, and if they do, they may risk going to prison for doing so if it's because of drugs that got them there. But Chad was NEVER even given the opportunity. NEVER given the chance!!!

I can't say that had he be given those chances at an INTENSE rehab program or felony drug court (that seems to be very popular and successful) that he wouldn't have relapsed once again, but why was he never placed in these successful programs like so many others are to at least try? Please don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to hear the success stories of those who are able to overcome their addictions and live sober lives. Staying sober is a very difficult task to achieve, so it's ALWAYS good to hear the Cinderella stories. Addiction is the disease, sobriety is the fight, and it's a fight they must face everyday for the rest of their lives so when they succeed, they deserve a standing ovation like no other for making it through the hell this disease dishes out. I guess I'm just super envious and maybe even jealous of those families who are able to see their addicts recover and stay recovered. Sigh!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I found myself looking through my haven again, my bedroom window, asking myself over.... and over.... and over again....WHY? Why was his addiction not worthy of what others seems to be? What would it have taken to get him into an intensive treatment program? Would my brother have been able to overcome the need to live high and receive his standing ovation? All those words that begin with the letter "W", why, what, where, when, would that ask my questions. Questions I will never have the answer too and I'm struggling to understand.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Hand to Hand

I am beginning to get frequent updates from my Chadly now. Phew!!! Seems as though I get a letter at least once a week and each one is just as heart stopping for me as the very first one. I still drop EVERYTHING to unseal the envelope and hear his voice speak the words he has written to me. My heart is easing!

It was a rather short letter. He is in the progress of writing a more detailed one, but wrote and sent this one as fast as he could just to say happy birthday. My brother remembered my birthday. I'm not saying this in a way to belittle his gesture at all and if he did forget it, I would have been completely okay with that. With all he has done, all he has put himself through and all he faces daily and will continue to do so for many more years of his life to come, he went out of his way to make sure me, his big sister, got a happy birthday wish from him. And on top of all that, my birthday is still a week away.

With his letter was his version of a "high five". It was his hand, outlined. My heart ached and smiled at the same time. I was holding my brother's hand right in the palm of my very own. I remember when he was in jail a few years back I had done the very same thing for him. I wanted him to know that anytime he needed a hand, mine was right there for him, whenever he needed it.

I put my hand inside his. My brother really is a caring and sensitive person. He is kind hearted, even if he's dying slowly inside. Yesterday, this day, and tomorrow, my brother Chad is as I know him, sober. A COMPLETELY different person than the one who's existence was fueled by heroin.

Am I selfish I ask, to be happy I get these letters. Is it totally selfish for me to be happy that I, still in a way, have my brother and "her name" family doesn't have her. Is it wrong for me to even be talking about him because of what he did? He still exists, she does not. He can write, he can talk, he can love, he can interact, he can still live...she cannot. And it was him, my brother, who took her soul away.

I know we are in for a very, very long road. I know it is not going to be easy. I know there will be days of what feels like an emotional roller-coaster for many of us. I know there will be days ahead of me where I will be so angry and torn because this should have NEVER happened, it didn't HAVE to happen this way.

Once again, I know what he has done and I'm facing it the very best I can, as I'm sure he is. And I know Chad and I will get through this....a world apart but together....hand to hand.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Needless to say.......

I thought being off for two weeks over the holidays would be just what I needed to catch up on some "home projects" that I have repeatedly failed to do and keep my blog updated. Obviously neither happened, hence the three weeks it's been since I've blogged. Trust me, it's not because I have nothing pouring from my heart. In fact, there is so much bottled up inside me, sometimes there isn't enough paper to etch my feelings on. I just couldn't bring myself to do much of anything during my holiday break and I think rather than a "hinder", it was a "remedy" for my over exhausted self. There was no guilt sleeping in until after 9 some mornings and staying up way late in the evenings. I welcomed the change.

My oldest made it home for his winter break as they call it in college. Man is he handsome and growing so much. Not just in height but as a person in general. I wish my little one were here this year but as a typical divorce goes, I have to share. Next year he'll be here though and it's something I look forward too.

I got a BEAUTIFUL Christmas card from Chad. Can I just say when I saw the odd but very familiar and typical card shaped envelope I was stumped? I say odd shaped and stumped because I was hardly expecting to receive an actual Christmas card from my brother. At the very least, I thought if he found it in his heart to send anything in regards to a holiday that he pretty much despises, it would be a picture of something he drew or a home-made card. I was surprised to see otherwise and I hold it so close to my heart. It is a very special card for me and one to be cherished for a lifetime!

Christmas Eve held the traditional festivities at dad's house. He and his wife always have the family from both sides over. Home-made chicken noodle soup in bread bowls is the menu for the evening with LOTS of dishes and trays full of chips, dips, and sweet stuff. I learned how to play a new card game with the girls called Blitz and I loved it. It was something new for me to do with the other girls in the family, dad's wife's side of the family that is. You see, the relationship with us kids and dad's wife has been nothing to rave about in any sense of the word. Yes they have been married now for 9 years but it wasn't an easy transition for ANY of us, including her. It's been a rocky and difficult road to travel and one that had something to do with Chad's destruction. But, as time has gone and experience has slapped me here and there, I have learned it is what it is and for me, for myself, for my heart and my peace of mind, I need to make every situation the very best it can possibly be and be happy with it. Life is way to short, to fragile and changes drastically in the blink of an eye to take ANYTHING for granted. What was there today, may very well not be there tomorrow.

So I opened myself up and played the fun game of cards and laughed myself silly along with the others in the family. Grand kids were running around, sometimes 15 different conversations took place amongst us all and the guys watched football. It was good to laugh, to hug, to smile and BE A FAMILY. Yes there was hollowness in my heart wishing Chad was there with us. I find myself internally whispering that I shouldn't be at these family gatherings because of the guilt I carry for him but on the other hand I know he would want me to be there for both of us.

Christmas morning we all slept in. It tears me to a point realizing I no longer have "little" boys waking me up at the crack of dawn with big eyes and ear to ear smiles with unexplainable excitement to see what Santa Clause delivered to their sweet souls. I guess I should be grateful for the additional sleep I get at this time in my life. One day I will be a "Nana" and it will start all over for me with my grand babies. Of course those are days I can wait for but when they do come there will be no such thing as cloud 9. Can you say cloud 12, or 13 and on and on.

When we finally decided it was time to meet the day, we opened our presents. Everybody was happy with what the old, round man in the red suit brought us. Even Lacey, the dog, got presents. Bones, bones and bones. She acted like a kid in a candy store. We visited more family throughout the day and evening as we usually do. It was good to see everybody and talk to those not so close to us geographically.

Love is important and while I have always tried to let everybody in my family know how much I love them and how much each and everyone of them mean to me, I tried even harder this holiday season and will carry on doing so. I hugged tighter, I smiled bigger, and I enjoyed more! A bitter lesson that 2010 handed me. If there is such a thing as loving too much or loving too hard, I'm guilty in the third degree and will gladly face my own sentence for this conviction.

I have yet to receive notice that I have been cleared to visit Chad. I'm waiting patiently as I tap my fingers on any surface they touch. He wrote me after he sent his card and he is doing well. He should be moved into population this month...eek. I'm a little nervous about that but again, I have to believe when Chad says he is okay, he really is. Otherwise I'm going to drive myself insane thinking about all the "what ifs". Realizing I can no longer be there to help him is quite daunting and not an easy pill to swallow. He is doing a lot of reading to pass the time and asks for me to tell you all hello.

Going back to work wasn't exciting nor a simple task, however, while I will miss the morning show, Good Things Utah I became so fond of, I know whole heartily staying home is not an option for me. Two weeks was wonderful but was also enough. It's apparent I get more done out of my home than I do in it. So the list of "home projects" continues too idle for now. Yes I will get my bedroom painted, yes I will get my laundry room organized and yes I will get my storage room cleaned out. And while I have not yet been able to bring myself to packing Chad's belongings and securing them in a safe place, I will also do due time.

When I walked outside this morning to warm my car up, tiny pieces of ice flakes were fluttering in the freezing, dark air. The kind that they gracefully fall from above. "Her name" instantly came to mind. There she was, with all the other spirits, casting her sweetness on the new day as it was ready to open. I hope and pray her family were well for the holidays and the new year too come will give them happiness and peace, as I also wish for my family.