Sunday, October 23, 2011

365 +

The passing of another year has whisped right past my eyes. A year filled with a roller-coaster ride packed with emotions of the extreme. Relief, sadness, devastation, happiness, anger, confusion, disbelief and being lost and found, once again.

I remember at this time last year seeing nothing but black. The train ride we were on with Chad had finally hit a cement wall like no other. I felt like I had been smothered in a cloud of thick smoke with the train on top of my chest and no idea how too find my way out. I remember sitting on my front porch the days following "T's" death questioning who Chad really was. Did Chad have all of us fooled for all our years growing up as too who he really was? I asked myself silently over and over if I ever really knew Chad or was it all just make believe, and if so, how crazy it was to think that somebody can play charade's as well as he did for that many years. Who was he? Who was this person that I called my brother and where did he come from? My brain was so strained with agony that I had no idea what I was thinking at times. All I knew was he had committed the very worst he could have, murder, and I don't know anymore details than what I did, 365 + days ago.

I have convinced myself to believe that on or about September 29th, 2010, Chad was either out of his mind high or having a bad come down on heroin. Something happened and he snapped, doing something he knew would put him away for the rest of his life. I've seen Chad many times but I don't care to ask for details that I might regret having asked him for. I don't even know if he remembers much. And even if he does, what's the point anyways? It changes nothing for today, tomorrow and the future.

For several years now, I have seen the saying Live, Laugh, and Love. Sometimes you can't even go to the bathroom without seeing those words posted SOMEWHERE! And I have to admit, I have two plaques in my house with the same saying & trust me, there won't be a third. But in those three "L" words lies the true definition of life, at least for me. It seems as if our society has lost value in the meaning of living life to it's fullest, laughing until you damn near pee your panties, and really loving as we should. It's all about technology, speed, money, drugs, and politics. We live in a cut-throat world and we are losing everything that really meant something. I have faced lots of ups and downs in my life but it was Chad's drug addiction and the train wreck it caused for me to sit back and seriously Live, Laugh, and Love.

I have always cared for my family and friends the very best I could. But now, everything and everybody means more. I cannot say enough how short life really is. In the blink of an eye, two families were destroyed. Mine and "T's". An angel was given her wings sooner than anticipated and the demon of heroin that lived inside my brother, finally put him where he is today, prison for a lifetime. With life being as short as it is, we have all made it so much harder than it needs to be. I guess what I'm saying is we should all keep a little simplicity in our lives and look at life the way so many such as Chad couldn't.....that it's beautiful. If you feel like breaking out in a dance in the middle of the store aisle, do it. If you want to build a pyramid with girls or guys between the ages of 12 and 60, do it. If you want to go to heaven with the intentions of sliding in head first, than by all means DO IT because I sure the hell am. You don't always have to be your serious self. Laughing and loving is part of life and life is laughing and living. Don't wait for something so tragic to happen, as it did with my family, to finally let loose and give in a little bit. Realize it now with the very breath you take.

Chad has been sober (as far as I know) for 365 + days. Our family hasn't had to worry about the state Chad is in for 365 + days now. And for 365 + days, I haven't been scared or drained out of my mind figuring out what was too come. My heart beats as it should, I'm not grasping for air and I'm not walking in hell's haze. I'm finally seeing color again!!!

1 comment:

  1. Just noticed your blog, and I must say this was really nice written and sorry to hear about your brother.