Friday, February 18, 2011

Check, Check, Check Check

This weekend I will be seeing Chad for the very first time since November 2010. Excited is an understatement. I'm so anxious to visit with him and see for myself how "good" he really is doing. He called me last Sunday. I was in the middle of putting shish-ka-bobs together when his ring tone went off. And damn it, my phone being the fancy touch screen phone that I SOOOO had to have, got stuck when I tried to accept his call and rather than accepting the call, it ENDED the call! FOR THE LOVE OF.......!!!!! But 5 minutes later, Chad called back and my fingers and touch screen went hand in hand, like they should have the first time.

He is doing really well. He is enrolled in a couple of college classes and will be taking more as they become available. He does a lot of reading and goes into the yard. They aren't allowed to do "nothing". They have to be busy and productive and that is something that helps Chad tremendously with his time. It makes it go by fast he says. It's amazing to hear from him. It's so relieving as well.

I have said before how confused I am when I hear his voice and hear how happy he is. It's SO difficult for me to comprehend just like it was so hard for him to comprehend living on the outside. Then the light bulb went on. Duh Mindy, he sounds SO good because his mind and body are dry from heroin. He isn't self-destructing. He isn't destroying himself bit by bit, or should I say hit by hit?. He is clean, he is sober, he is free from his drug addiction. There are two very different Chad's. The sober Chad vs. the high Chad. The person he is now, is the brother I can relate too. All because of two words, drug free!

And here I am, in my kitchen, hearing the happiness in our conversation and thinking to myself how "her name"'s family can NEVER do this again. If they read my words they would probably be furious that I dare speak of the happiness I have when I talk to my brother or read his letters or how excited I am that I get to see him. They will NEVER be able to do this with her again. They can visit her, but it's at a cemetery. They can speak to her, through the air. They will never have the opportunities with her that I have with Chad because she is gone. Chad still walks, breathes and most of all, he lives, even though he lives in prison. She does not. So I feel so selfish for being happy to hear his voice. I feel as if it is the ULTIMATE betrayal to a family I know nothing about except that my brother took one of theirs. But he is my brother and I still love him unconditionally. I would totally understand their animosity, anger and hurt knowing that what I can do with him (while limited), they can't do with "her name".............because of Chad.

So I will be hitting the road for what will be my first ever visit to a prison and I'm not afraid. This is my life and it's something I must do and even if I were afraid, I'd have to get over that pretty quick. I have a lot of visiting to do in a building made of cinder block walls, fences with razor wire, and guard towers not to mention guards with loaded guns and rattling equipment they carry on themselves.. Check-list for my visit:

All 5 earrings OUT---check
Belly button ring OUT---check
Wireless bra ON---check, check
I don't recall tattoos sounding off security alarms, and I don't think mine contain any type of metal, I sure in the hell hope they don't, so I think I might just make it through.
The best part of it all will be making the trip with my dad. Oh what a man he is and I hope he knows how much his oldest daughter, being me, loves him and does so with all her heart. These are not necessarily the memories you want to make with loved ones, memories of this magnitude, but it's where we are in this thing we call life and like everything else, I'm going to ride with it and take it all in the very best I can.

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