That's how I feel today. It's how I've felt the last couple of weeks. Just blah. I have so many things to get done, so many tasks to do, so many "I need to do this and I want to do that's" but I have no "umph" to get to any of them. I just feel like one big sludgy puddle of mud. I'm sure it has a great deal to do with the cold weather and I'm so over it already. It's time to take on another season...spring. Yes spring, that will put some bounce back in my steps, I'm sure of it.
I haven't spoken with Chad again since the afternoon of January 27th. I dropped a letter in the mailbox last Friday and hope I get a letter sometime this week. Good news is though......I am heading his way in two weeks to visit him. I actually get to see him, in his flesh, for the first time since November of last year when he stood in front of the judge, admitted his guilt to his crime and we all listened as he was sentenced to his fate. I'm sure my visitation will be a much needed remedy for my melancholy.
It's been 5 months since all hell broke loose. Five very short months when you really think about it. Three months since he was sentenced. Two weeks since he's been transferred. The realization of it all I still struggle with. It's SO unbelievable to comprehend Chad....prison, Chad....life sentence, Chad....and what he did. I sometimes just shake my head because I still am overwhelmed and SO mind boggled over the fact that it's true. I'm confused when I hear the happiness in his voice. I haven't heard Chad so happy in a number of years and yet he's serving a life sentence for a homicide. He's in prison but he's doing "good". Believe me, I'm given great relief to hear the "up" in his voice, I would be scared to death if I heard anything different but it's strange. How can prison make anybody sound happy?
I laid in bed the other night and was immediately thinking of Chad's foot steps. Memories that triggered my mind out of the complete blue. Chad was a HEAVY walker and as I laid my head on my pillow, I could hear his footsteps through my head. While at times it was annoying at how heavy of a walker he was, I would trade where we are today to hear him walk once again.
Him being gone has taken a chunk from my heart. I miss my brother so much!! There is no other way to describe it, I just miss him. I miss the Chad before these drugs ruined his life, I miss the Chad when he was clean from his addiction, I even miss seeing my brother on the couch sound asleep full well knowing he was in a high that I couldn't even come close to relate too. He was there, in my presence. I could see, hear and feel him breathing. I could brisk his hair with my fingers...rub my hand on his arm.
Still haven't put his belongings together. The door is still closed. I go in there as little as possible because his clothes are still on the floor, his shoes are still in the closet. It bugs me to know those are my brothers clothes. They are empty assortments of shirts, pants, socks, jackets, hats and everything else he owned that I can see him wearing. I know it's getting time for me to pull myself together and do what I need to do but I just haven't made it there yet. All that is Chad, is in that room. It's all that is left that I have of Chad and I can't let go.
There is one thing that's for sure. Yes I'm in a funk right now and everything is just there. BLAH!!! But it doesn't stop me from thinking of all the wonderful Chad was. It doesn't stop me from remembering all the shit I've traveled through with him because of his drug addiction. It doesn't stop me from hoping "her name" is safely in heaven pouring her radiant spirit over her family. I have good memories, I have awful memories but they are exactly what they are, memories and gratefully, NOBODY can take those away from me.