Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dear Lord please don't let it be him.

When my brother goes AWOL and there is a story in the news of a robbery the first thing that comes to my mind is "Dear Lord please don't let it be him". You see, my brother robbed 6 pharmacies 4 years ago. He made away with hundreds of Oxycontin's at the time. He also served 2 years time for this as well. I never, EVER believed my brother could ever do something so drastic but he did. But I also know when my brother is on drugs, he is a COMPLETELY different person than any of us know. That's why it just blows us away...those that know who he really is. It's unbearable at times to realize what addiction does to him.

There were two stories on the news last night. One, a smoke shop had been robbed and two, a man was shot while he entered his apartment to find a burglar stealing his personal belongings. Now my brother has never used a weapon but I have learned over the last 9 years of his on and off again drug use that anything is possible when you are an addict chasing a high. ANYTHING!!! So when I hear these reports of these crimes that have taken place, all I want to know is the description of the suspect or see a picture that was captured. If I can at least see the picture and realize it's not him, I feel my heart begin to pump again and I take a deep breath.

My brother and I had two conversations the night before last. Of course they come from withheld numbers. He was high. I could tell with his crackly voice. I think he was actually coming down but he is miserable. He is a miserable human being who is on a very different level of thinking than the rest of us in his family, well except his mom (my step-mom) of course who her herself is an out of control alcoholic and has been all of her life. But as time goes on, as is the case with my brother, their addiction just gets worse and worse. Getting high is the only way he finds happiness. I know it's sick and sad but it is what it is for him. He is so conquered with pain and anger that getting high is his way of not dealing with the very reality of who he is, what he has done and what has happened in the past. Being high keeps him comfortably numb.

He has convinced himself if he turns himself in he is going to prison. This may very well be the case. I asked him "are you afraid of going to prison?" He said he is not but he is afraid of the time he will do. That totally confuses me. He has no desire to live, does not want any responsibilities so really unless this addiction to kills him first, he has nothing but time. Eventually he will be apprehended and the longer he runs the worse off he will be, unless of course he dies. He can't run forever but convincing him of this is a whole other issue. So unfortunately, there is no possibility at this point of him turning himself in.

After 53 minutes and 11 seconds of our phone conversation, he promised he would call me everyday or at least every other day letting me know he is ok and safe. Really I just want to hear his voice so I know he is still alive. I told him no matter who he is, what he has done or what happens, I love him with all of my heart, UNCONDITIONALLY. Yes that's right, I love my brother who is a heroin/cocaine addict. I love my brother who has robbed pharmacies and stolen from me and others in the family and is now a convicted felon. I love my brother who has made a complete mess of his life over the last 9 years and caused us all a HUGE amount of pain and worry. Yes that's right....I still love him and always will.

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