Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Property pick-up & you've got "NO" mail!

I got a call Monday morning from a Deputy at the Davis county jail. He said Chad had listed me as the person to pick his property up and I could do so Monday through Friday from 10 to 3 in the afternoon. I kept meaning to contact the jail and find out how to go about doing this but as I explained before, I'm forgetting a lot of things and this is one of them. Thank goodness Chad took care of it before he was transported.

So today was the day I once again took a ride to the jail. I do a lot of thinking in my car just like I do in my bed. Yes cars are whizzing by, the heater's going and I've got the music up but it's my time to JUST THINK!!! I always try to put music in that Chad and I both loved when I'm alone in my car. Some of it makes me sad because so many of the songs are in relation to an overdose or somebody dying of their drug abuse. Just because you overdose doesn't mean you always die. Chad has overdosed several times. So many of the songs are that of a person who struggles or suffers and just can't find their way in this world just as Chad couldn't. Chad was able to relate to so much of this music as if those lyrics were written just for him.

I feel closer to him through the music and sometimes I will just belt out a lyric of the song because that's what used to make him laugh. Ya, I'm nut, I know. But I also love to do off the wall things like that just to make somebody laugh.
The property pick-up was just across the way from the court, the place I last I saw my brother. As I was walking towards building, I looked over at the court and saw in my mind the media van that was parked right outside those doors with one reporter and the camera man waiting to interview whomever they could the day Chad was sentenced. I saw the memory of my family coming out of those doors broken and dismantled. I thought that would be the last day I would be at this building but turns out maybe today is.

There always seems to be SOMEBODY around when I am doing these types of things. Like picking up property or making a visit or putting money on Chad's books. You always have to announce his name and your relation to him so I always wonder if those people around me remember who he is and what he's done and if so, what are they thinking. Are they afraid of me? Are they judging me? Are they whispering to anybody they are with "hey that's that guys sister that was all over the news. Remember the one who was involved in that homicide?" Homicide probably isn't the word they would use but I can't bring myself to say the "M" or "K" word. I KNOW what Chad did and I am facing it the best I can but those words are entirely to harsh for me to roll off my tongue. No you don't have to be afraid of me, I don't care what you're judgment might be and the answer is "Yes, I AM Chad's sister and yes he did do it."

I sat down waiting for Chad's property to come. My dad called me. He seemed in good spirits and wanted to know if I have received a letter from Chad. Unfortunately I haven't. The last letter I got from Chad was the one he wrote me the night he was sentenced. Dad got one letter from Chad that came from the prison but that's it. It's been a week since dad got that letter and naturally he's beginning to worry as am I.

His letter to dad said he was doing well. The food is a LOT better and he's happy about that. He was transported to the prison Friday, November 19th, 2010, the day after sentencing. I was shocked how fast he was transferred. I thought it would be a day or two, maybe even a week but it wasn't. It was the very next morning. He was transported with Wanda Barzee. Because she is doing federal time for her part in the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping, she was held at the Davis county jail because it's a federal holding jail. Chad said they had to drop her off at the federal courthouse and the media was EVERYWHERE. From there he was taken to Bluffdale where the prison is. He got there that morning and did not get into his cell until 10:00 that night. He had to go through administration, see a dentist and a doctor so it was an all day process. He said it's not where he wants to be but knows it for the best. UGH!!!! He also said he is thinking of us all and loves us and to make sure everybody knows he's doing fine.

An officer came out with a plastic bag of Chad's stuff. He asked for my I.D. and gave me what was in the bag. All I got were the letters that have been sent to him from all of us while he was in jail. "What about his wallet and his clothes?" Geezus, really Mindy, you're asking for his clothes??? He said Chad wore the clothes he had when he was transported to prison and there wasn't a wallet. He double checked and came back out and said the only things that were inventoried the morning he arrived were the clothes he had on and a set of earrings, no wallet. So I wonder if the Bountiful Police Department, which is where they took Chad for questioning the morning of his arrest, has it and it's in an evidence bag. Another call to make IF I can remember to do it.

On my way home from work I got a call from my sister "M". I wish I could squeeze her street and my street together. Right now, everything that separates our roads from crossing means nothing. I would give anything to have her that close to me right now or vice verse. She is struggling. She sobbed to me and of course my tears began to fall. I wish I could have just held her in my arms and rocked her to betterness. Is that even a word? She's alone with nobody to talk too. Yes she has her children..amazing they are, yes she has her husband and yes she has her mother-in-law, but this situation is so massive in pain and none of them besides the kids have a direct relation to Chad so feeling what she does or what we as a family do is impossible. And while the kids are a blood line of Chad and "M" has been very open with the 2 oldest, it is still difficult for them to comprehend the impact and tragedy this really is for their mom.

I love you sissy!!!!

So I talked to her for a few minutes and tried to calm her down. The only way I knew how to do so was just tell her that Chad doesn't want any of us to STOP living because of him. He wants us to keep going, he wants us to be happy. He wants us to be everything he couldn't be. And the most important thing I could tell her is how much I LOVE HER. She is the only sissy I have and I cannot lose her!!! Somehow, even with 450 miles of separation, she and I have got to get through this just as much as my family that is within a 25 mile radius here has too. I can't say that any of us will be okay. I can't say any of us will return to the way we used to be. The pain we have carried everyday for the last 10 years watching Chad suffer as a drug addict and what it ultimately succumbed him too eats at us and there is just no way to tell if we will recover from it. Yes time may heal our hearts but the sting is always present, at least it is for me.

I got home from work and went to the mailbox. Still no letter from Chad. It's disheartening and worrisome. As much as I would like too it's not like I can pick up the phone and call the prison and ask if he's ok. He's an adult and he's in a correctional facility housing thousands of men. It's not like jail. Maybe he doesn't know he has money on his books yet to order envelopes and paper. There are usually only certain days you can order commissary and maybe it takes a while for them to get what they've ordered. Not to mention the prison reads their mail. I'm not sure if they ready every piece of outgoing mail. I'm sure they do if there is probable cause but if they do have to read it, that's a LOT of mail to read and process so maybe it's just taking longer than we are used too. And maybe Chad simply hasn't written anybody yet. He could be tied up with other things going on out there, getting used to the system, maybe trying to come to terms with his reality. I don't know why none of us have received anything but there isn't anything I can do about it either. I just keep writing him in hopes for a letter one of these days.

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