Friday, November 5, 2010

32 days.

Today it has been 32 days since Chad was arrested. Not a day has gone by that hasn't been uneventful I guess you could say. OCTOBER, a month that is recognized for it's autumn colors, leaves falling from the trees, change in the temperature going from hot to cool and sometimes down right cold, winterizing the house, cutting back the foliage in the flower beds, and preparing to celebrate that exciting holiday we refer to as Halloween. Decorating yards and homes and throwing big Boo bashes with your closest friends and family and seeing those scary and cute little kids standing on your door step howling "Trick or Treat" while they are so excited to add to their quest of who gets the most candy.

Yes October is a month I usually embrace with excitement and open arms however, October 2010 was anything but that. The month in a year's calendar that I will never forget. Yes the leaves began to change to those beautiful autumn colors but it took place MUCH later in the month than usual. It has been UNUSUALLY warm for this time of year. Yes we did have a good cold front come through that dropped 4 inches of snow in my yard and required me to turn the heater on in my home. The snow was a heavy, wet snow so that meant breaking out the snow scraper and cleaning the car off. It was a refreshing change but didn't last and before I knew it, the temps were back in the mid-sixties which is unheard of. Yes we have winterized to an extent and that was draining and covering the swamp cooler and I have cut back my foliage in my flower beds. Yes I put up my fall wreath and a scarecrow and pumpkin on the porch but that was as far as it went this year with the el decorations. And again I didn't throw a boo bash with my friends or family. Yes, all of these things were part of my October days and they somehow managed to coincide with the unbelievable and incomprehensible fact that my brother has now been officially charged with a homicide.

So instead of throwing a Halloween party that I have always wanted to do but couldn't in the past due to Chad's probation stipulations, Vegas it was. I needed to get out of town, away from all that has gone on. I needed to come up for some air so Vegas was the perfect opportunity. It was my nieces Sweet 16 and a chance to spend some time with my baby sister and her family and my 14 year old. The trip down and back was the longest I ever remember road trips to Vegas being. I had a LOT of time to think of the events that have occurred in our lives these last few weeks. I asked my already hammered brain so many questions, the what if's, the how comes and what now and HOW!! Can you say slow motion?

The trip for the most part was PERFECT to say the least. I was loving being around family. Pedicures with the girls, cosmic bowling with the whole family, hugs from my Doughboy and niece and nephews. Yes it was a good time and a much needed mini-vacay for sure. But truly, my life is not the same right now and it never will be quite the same again.

I hope one day I will one day be "back to normal" if there is such a thing. I am the wild one in my family. I can laugh like there is no end. I can rise to any occasion (except this one). I have experienced hurt like everybody else has and the older I have become and the more I have let go of my past, I try to live by the saying Live, Laugh and Love and if you ain't laughin, you ain't livin. But that spark in me, the spit-fire, that little wild hair that can get everybody going in a nano second has been tucked away at the present time. My mind and heart are focused elsewhere and most of it is so blurry that I simply just can't rationalize. I get caught up in my thoughts and some days it has taken all I have to put myself to sleep and pull myself up the next day. In fact by the 2nd day in Vegas I started stressing out inside a little bit because I wasn't home. I know it sounds so strange to say that. The feeling itself was strange. I didn't really know what was going on at home and I got scared. I fell asleep that night and had a horrible dream about Chad and it caused me to have a panic attack in my sleep. I have NEVER felt that way before and I really feared for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME and I hope I never feel it again!!!

Along with the above, these are just SOME of the events that have happened in this not so exciting by ANY means October.

  • Chad jumped FEET first (not head first) from the 2nd balcony at the jail in what was suggested a "suicide attempt". I found out about this on the news.
  • He was able to make that first court appearance even after jumping.
  • I got an email from a Tribune reporter asking if I would be willing to talk to him about Chad. Because it was an ongoing investigation, no was my answer but I did tell him if he wanted to talk to somebody about Chad, he might be able to find our mother at either the Busy Bee bar or Chuckles.
  • She was layed to rest, God rest her soul.
  • My dad and I were able to get our first visit with Chad. Such an easy visiting process compared to that of the SL County metro jail.
  • I drove all the way to my dad's house out of fear and concern because he didn't answer his phone only to find he was at Strawberry with B fishing. Phew!!!! I don't think my heart can be stimulated much more by fear or the "unknown" or it might just pounce right out of my chest.
  • My sweet friend Nana who I have known since we were weee little ones took me to dinner at Chili's to give me a break.
  • I went WEEKS without plucking my eyebrows. I simply didn't have the want, need or strength to pluck them. COMPLETELY out of character for me.
  • I got more texts and phone calls than I ever have in a month's time and I text a lot.
  • After 3 weeks since Chad's arrest, our mom decided to call me to "see how Chad is doing" and what was happening with him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's been THREE WEEKS. Needless to say while it seemed to be the most sober she has been in years, I was able to say just what I thought and felt about her and her lack of motherhood in the last several years and felt alright with it.
  • I received my first letter from Chad.
  • The evidence came back from the state crime lab. Another event we found out in the news. Chad was arraigned during his 2nd court appearance and officially charged with the "M" word. A word I have yet been able to release from my tongue.
  • Sleeping or lack of for a better term has become an issue for me. I either sleep for hours uninterrupted or can't sleep but a few minutes and I wake to several hours of open eye.
  • I have entered his room only twice. A room that is straight across from mine but the door remains closed. Nothing has been moved, nothing has been touched. Everything remains just as it was the last morning my brother was in my home. A day I will regret for the rest of my life.
  • I wrote a letter to my oldest son practically begging him to never let this lifestyle enter his. I told my youngest while I was in Vegas face to face. His little heart was broken about his Uncle Chad.

As the days have passed, I have tried to keep some "normalcy" in my life but it isn't easy, that's for sure. Things that have always been so important to me or a priority have gone by the way side for now. I'm more tired than I have been in a long time and still under such a shock wave. I just can't seem to come to terms that this is what it is, Chad actually did this. He took anothers life at his own hands and there isn't a damn thing any one of us can do to change it. I am so devastated for her family. I worry what they may think of us. I can only imagine what they think about Chad but what about the rest of us. We have had no contact with her family. I wouldn't even know how to make contact unless it were through the media and I wouldn't want to do it that way. I just want her family to know that while there is not ONE SINGLE word that can bring a bit of peace to any of them I'm sure, I am so sorry their lives have been changed forever as well because of Chad and his addiction. I am so sorry she and they were brought into this and if there was anything I could do to change it, I would!!!! I sometimes think I wish it were my life he took, not somebody who really had nothing to do with it. I hope their hearts will heal from this tragic and absolute senseless train wreck that has run us all over. I hope they may one day be able to forgive enough so they might move forward but if they can't, I understand. I whole heartedly UNDERSTAND.

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