Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Needless to say.......

I thought being off for two weeks over the holidays would be just what I needed to catch up on some "home projects" that I have repeatedly failed to do and keep my blog updated. Obviously neither happened, hence the three weeks it's been since I've blogged. Trust me, it's not because I have nothing pouring from my heart. In fact, there is so much bottled up inside me, sometimes there isn't enough paper to etch my feelings on. I just couldn't bring myself to do much of anything during my holiday break and I think rather than a "hinder", it was a "remedy" for my over exhausted self. There was no guilt sleeping in until after 9 some mornings and staying up way late in the evenings. I welcomed the change.

My oldest made it home for his winter break as they call it in college. Man is he handsome and growing so much. Not just in height but as a person in general. I wish my little one were here this year but as a typical divorce goes, I have to share. Next year he'll be here though and it's something I look forward too.

I got a BEAUTIFUL Christmas card from Chad. Can I just say when I saw the odd but very familiar and typical card shaped envelope I was stumped? I say odd shaped and stumped because I was hardly expecting to receive an actual Christmas card from my brother. At the very least, I thought if he found it in his heart to send anything in regards to a holiday that he pretty much despises, it would be a picture of something he drew or a home-made card. I was surprised to see otherwise and I hold it so close to my heart. It is a very special card for me and one to be cherished for a lifetime!

Christmas Eve held the traditional festivities at dad's house. He and his wife always have the family from both sides over. Home-made chicken noodle soup in bread bowls is the menu for the evening with LOTS of dishes and trays full of chips, dips, and sweet stuff. I learned how to play a new card game with the girls called Blitz and I loved it. It was something new for me to do with the other girls in the family, dad's wife's side of the family that is. You see, the relationship with us kids and dad's wife has been nothing to rave about in any sense of the word. Yes they have been married now for 9 years but it wasn't an easy transition for ANY of us, including her. It's been a rocky and difficult road to travel and one that had something to do with Chad's destruction. But, as time has gone and experience has slapped me here and there, I have learned it is what it is and for me, for myself, for my heart and my peace of mind, I need to make every situation the very best it can possibly be and be happy with it. Life is way to short, to fragile and changes drastically in the blink of an eye to take ANYTHING for granted. What was there today, may very well not be there tomorrow.

So I opened myself up and played the fun game of cards and laughed myself silly along with the others in the family. Grand kids were running around, sometimes 15 different conversations took place amongst us all and the guys watched football. It was good to laugh, to hug, to smile and BE A FAMILY. Yes there was hollowness in my heart wishing Chad was there with us. I find myself internally whispering that I shouldn't be at these family gatherings because of the guilt I carry for him but on the other hand I know he would want me to be there for both of us.

Christmas morning we all slept in. It tears me to a point realizing I no longer have "little" boys waking me up at the crack of dawn with big eyes and ear to ear smiles with unexplainable excitement to see what Santa Clause delivered to their sweet souls. I guess I should be grateful for the additional sleep I get at this time in my life. One day I will be a "Nana" and it will start all over for me with my grand babies. Of course those are days I can wait for but when they do come there will be no such thing as cloud 9. Can you say cloud 12, or 13 and on and on.

When we finally decided it was time to meet the day, we opened our presents. Everybody was happy with what the old, round man in the red suit brought us. Even Lacey, the dog, got presents. Bones, bones and bones. She acted like a kid in a candy store. We visited more family throughout the day and evening as we usually do. It was good to see everybody and talk to those not so close to us geographically.

Love is important and while I have always tried to let everybody in my family know how much I love them and how much each and everyone of them mean to me, I tried even harder this holiday season and will carry on doing so. I hugged tighter, I smiled bigger, and I enjoyed more! A bitter lesson that 2010 handed me. If there is such a thing as loving too much or loving too hard, I'm guilty in the third degree and will gladly face my own sentence for this conviction.

I have yet to receive notice that I have been cleared to visit Chad. I'm waiting patiently as I tap my fingers on any surface they touch. He wrote me after he sent his card and he is doing well. He should be moved into population this month...eek. I'm a little nervous about that but again, I have to believe when Chad says he is okay, he really is. Otherwise I'm going to drive myself insane thinking about all the "what ifs". Realizing I can no longer be there to help him is quite daunting and not an easy pill to swallow. He is doing a lot of reading to pass the time and asks for me to tell you all hello.

Going back to work wasn't exciting nor a simple task, however, while I will miss the morning show, Good Things Utah I became so fond of, I know whole heartily staying home is not an option for me. Two weeks was wonderful but was also enough. It's apparent I get more done out of my home than I do in it. So the list of "home projects" continues too idle for now. Yes I will get my bedroom painted, yes I will get my laundry room organized and yes I will get my storage room cleaned out. And while I have not yet been able to bring myself to packing Chad's belongings and securing them in a safe place, I will also do that...one day...in due time.

When I walked outside this morning to warm my car up, tiny pieces of ice flakes were fluttering in the freezing, dark air. The kind that glisten.....twinkle....as they gracefully fall from above. "Her name" instantly came to mind. There she was, with all the other spirits, casting her sweetness on the new day as it was ready to open. I hope and pray her family were well for the holidays and the new year too come will give them happiness and peace, as I also wish for my family.

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