Monday, January 17, 2011

My own relapse!

In my last post I mentioned that my heart is beginning to ease. No sooner did I say that and I myself, relapsed into a puddle of hurt feelings all over again. And it was happy news that triggered my hurt and even stirred up a little anger. Now mind you, I have yet to experience any feelings of anger at this point. I guess for all intensive purposes, my emotional roller-coaster has fired up.

I know you must be wondering "what was the happiest news" that got my pot boiling. I got a text last night while making dinner. It was from a friend of Chad's who he himself, has struggled with addiction. He and Chad were in the CATS program at the county jail and became REALLY good friends. They had so much in common besides their drug addictions. And while they were not supposed to be in contact with one another when they were released from jail, a stipulation of their probation, they broke that rule and did so anyways. It was a "good" friendship these two had and they both tried hard to support the other one through their road to sobriety.

Well his friend has had his own issues fighting sobriety after Chad went away and was consequently jailed. So in his text last night, he put my curiosity to rest and told me he was jailed until a spot opened at a local rehab here in the city. That spot opened and he was released.

Of course I was elated for him. I was happy to hear he was "being set up for SUCCESS", not failure, and he's happy. A word that is hard for an addict to admit..."happy". Support is imperative and easy IF you're willing. They can't do it alone and certainly can't do so without support, so I definitely want to be there for those facing this uphill battle. He promised he would keep me informed of his progress and I look forward to good news from him. Then suddenly, I crashed. My feelings started to whirl-wind. I again found myself smiling.... for him.... and crying inside for my brother.

WHY was my brother not given the chance at rehab? WHY did the system put him through the same program, TWICE, when it was obvious he needed SO MUCH MORE? WHY were we, his family, told when we called hospitals, rehabs and detox centers over the years they wouldn't take my brother because he had no insurance, no job, and wanted THOUSANDS of dollars to enter him into a program that might not even prevail to his benefit? Drug addicts for the most part don't have insurance or money because they don't have a job!! They can't hold a job!! And a drug addict certainly doesn't have thousands of dollars stuffed away for when they decide, if ever, that they want to enter rehab and get clean....once and for all.

Chad was put through the CATS program in the county jail as I said, twice. It's a 6 month program that teaches substance abusers life skills and I don't know what else. And when Chad's most recent relapse began to reak havoc, when he took the money from my checking account to get high, I called his p.o. in a panic and he PROMISED me he would get Chad help, he would put him through the CATS program again. Well sorry to inform you....but CATS was NOT enough for Chad. He didn't just need to be rehabilitated, he needed serious and intense counseling. He needed to receive extremely intense treatment for a raging drug addiction to a drug that is one of the hardest to overcome, heroin!

I'm not solely blaming the system for Chad's failure, I'm just simply asking why! I hear of so many people who are court-ordered to a treatment facility that is "inpatient" for their abuse, whether it's alcohol or drug or whatever the addiction may be. Naturally they have the option to walk out, and if they do, they may risk going to prison for doing so if it's because of drugs that got them there. But Chad was NEVER even given the opportunity. NEVER given the chance!!!

I can't say that had he be given those chances at an INTENSE rehab program or felony drug court (that seems to be very popular and successful) that he wouldn't have relapsed once again, but why was he never placed in these successful programs like so many others are to at least try? Please don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to hear the success stories of those who are able to overcome their addictions and live sober lives. Staying sober is a very difficult task to achieve, so it's ALWAYS good to hear the Cinderella stories. Addiction is the disease, sobriety is the fight, and it's a fight they must face everyday for the rest of their lives so when they succeed, they deserve a standing ovation like no other for making it through the hell this disease dishes out. I guess I'm just super envious and maybe even jealous of those families who are able to see their addicts recover and stay recovered. Sigh!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I found myself looking through my haven again, my bedroom window, asking myself over.... and over.... and over again....WHY? Why was his addiction not worthy of what others seems to be? What would it have taken to get him into an intensive treatment program? Would my brother have been able to overcome the need to live high and receive his standing ovation? All those words that begin with the letter "W", why, what, where, when, would that ask my questions. Questions I will never have the answer too and I'm struggling to understand.

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