It's Friday, the last day of the work week. The last day I will have to drive this way until next week. Listening to the radio as I always do came a song that Chad and I both love and one that explains just what my, Chad's and probably my siblings feelings were at different times while enduring the trenches of Chad's drug addiction and you guessed it, the tears began to flow.
It's a song by Slipknot titled Snuff and here's the lyrics. You can also listen to the actual song since it's in my play list at the very bottom of the page. Just click on the title.
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins.
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know.
My heart is just to dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know.
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss.
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.
So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go.
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul.
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself.
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same.
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago.
If you still care don't ever let me now
I can reflect back on many memories the words of this song bring to my mind. Memories of being so fed up that I didn't want to hear anymore of what Chad had to say. I didn't want to listen to his shame. At times I felt like he was punishing me when he used or relapsed for loving him so much because I would do anything to keep him clean, to save him. He and I, and "M" and him, had several one-on-one, heart to heart talks. There are things she knows about him, his pain, his anger that I don't know and vice verse. Sacred secrets buried in our skin. And on days when I want to hear his voice, I read his letters, some years old, and press them to my lips. When his body was soaked with heroin, his heart was dark and he didn't care. He ran rather than faced who he had become. Chad refused to fight! I did sell Chad out. I would call his probation officer at any hint of a relapse when he lived with me in 2008 after doing 2 years in the county jail for the robberies. But while I was selling him out, he out-witted me because he knew that I knew he was using again. He was always able to pull a fast one when he was called in to test. He would always pass.
I even wished MANY times he wasn't my friend...my brother. It would have been so much easier for me to hurt him if I didn't love him so damn much.
Until one can realize addiction is a disease, and it took me a LONG time too realize, it's easy too judge, too hate, too deny, too run and too ignore. I did them all. I thought Chad could just get over it. I felt like he was using it as an excuse, a crutch so he didn't have to do right, a reason for him to not be responsible or be accountable for his sins. I was wrong. VERY wrong.
On another note, my little brother "B" is very sore but hanging in there. I saw him Wednesday night after work. I got more of the story from him and after hearing what I heard, I believe he was set up.
When "B" told the girl not to come over, she said well we're going to anyways and they did. She came in with 2 of her girlfriends. "B" said he asked her why she came over and he had to go to bed and because so everybody was leaving. She said they wanted to come over and hang out for a while. There was another knock at the door. He answered it and it was 2 males that he had never seen or met. One of them, (the idiot who punched him) was the boyfriend to one of the girls that was there. When he walked in he introduced himself as "Snoop". "B" said he had told everybody nicely he needed them to leave. They kept telling him to relax and chill they wanted to hang out. "B" was getting irritated and becoming more insistent they leave. I guess when they finally gave in, they all walked to the door and that's when the "B" was hit and the guy ran out of his apartment yelling crip love.
"B" and I believe it was a set up because he has only known this twit (who by the way has a warrant herself) for a little over a month. She has come to his place a couple times hanging out with friends and he has been at his friends hanging out and she has been there. She had plenty of time to "case" "B's" place. She calls "B", asks to come over and when she's told no, she shows up anyways. Hint #1. And rather than all of them coming in together, the guys come about 5 minutes later, "B" was not expecting anybody else, let alone anybody that he didn't know to show up. Hint #2. When "B" kept telling them they had to leave, they were telling HIM to chill, to relax...they just wanted to hang out. Hint #3. That's why I think he was set up.
"B" doesn't have a lot but what he does have he has paid a lot of money for. Overtime, he has bought expensive household items and it would definitely not be easy for him to replace those items. I will be talking to my little brother about obtaining renter's insurance and I'll pay it to make sure he's covered!! There will be no debating that issue.
He is in pain and it took him over an hour to eat a bowl of c
cereal yesterday but he's part of our bloodline and with that comes strength. Just to prove his strength, he got up early this morning to take his care to get the emissions so he can get his registration. Honestly. As time heals his broken mouth, he's gonna come out shinin all over again.
Below is a picture of "B's" mouth. WARNING: it's gross.